Cleanse
by RedHeadedFlame
Summary: Katniss Everdeen has made a lot of bad decisions in the past 3 years. It is only now she has someone else to protect does she realise the consequences of her actions and the need to cleanse her soul. A task that is made even harder as she is in love with the person behind so many of her wrong choices and who seems resistant to change.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm back on Mondays! Excited to share my latest story with you all. It is going to be a long road for Everlark in this story but they are very much the end goal even if things do not start well for them in this story. I hope you enjoy it.**

**As always I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters.**

* * *

Chapter One

_Katniss_

I reach into Ivy's car seat and adjust her blanket to make sure she is comfortable. I fuss over her socks and smooth down her dark hair as she sleeps peacefully in the small café. She is only 4 days old but my heart is already bursting for love for her. My love for her is even greater than I have for my little sister Prim. She has tethered her heart to mine. I know I will do anything to protect her and ensure she is happy.

I have to remind myself that she is why I am doing this. I am doing this for my daughter. To ensure she gets what she deserves.

I'm agitated and anxious though as I sit and wait in the cosy café. The café is not one of those up market places that are so common in London and where it costs you £8 for a coffee. It doubles as a book shop and the vintage leather sofas are surrounded by shelves stacked with books. It is reasonably busy with friendly staff that gives the place a nice buzz. But the warm atmosphere is doing nothing to calm my nerves.

My foot jiggles on the ground. I braid and unbraid my head. I tuck and untuck Ivy in. I unbuckle and re-buckle my watch strap. I may have initiated this meeting but I don't think I am prepared for it. I order an Earl Grey tea and gulp it down so quickly that I burn my tongue. I place the empty tea cup back down and pour another one. I'll need something in my hands when she arrives.

After 15 minutes I finally see her. She steps into the warm café and scans the room cautiously. Only she could look so put together in the middle of a crisis. Her blonde hair has been neatly styled into a high pony tail and she wears a smart, high necked floral dress that shows off her post-pregnancy curves. With her pearl necklace and blue sapphire earrings she looks a bit out of place amongst all the checked shirts and scarves of the hipsters that make up the majority of the customers here.

I look down at my own appearance and immediately feel under dressed. With a new born baby she is lucky that I even showered to come and meet her. I wear a baggy green shirt and leggings which I am pretty sure have some spit up after Ivy threw up in the car. But that has always been the difference between Madge and I. She is the polished housewife while I am messy twenty something.

Her eyes finally find me amongst the crowd of tables and she stops and freezes for a moment. Then her eyes zone in on Ivy sleeping beside me. Instinctively I reach in to Ivy to nervously tuck her blanket close in around her. This is not going to be any easy conversation.

Slowly Madge makes her way over to us and stops at the end of the table. She doesn't look at me. Her eyes have been fixed on Ivy since she has arrived. She stares at my daughter as if she is a hallucination. Like she can't believe she is real.

I notice she hasn't brought any of her sons, even if Max is only 5 weeks old. Probably left them with the nanny. I try not to resent her for the fact she has extra help when I have to struggle by on my own.

She doesn't say anything for a long time. I look up at her awkwardly and bite my bottom lip. What do you say to the woman whose husband you have been sleeping with?

Ivy squirms and stretches her arms out before she lets out a small cry. This startles my attention and I immediately bend over to soothe her. Madge just watches me with shocked eyes as I stroke Ivy's hair and whisper soothing words.

Ivy soon stops her mewling and lies quietly staring up at me with her big blue eyes. I smile down at her, momentarily forgetting Madge, as I look at my daughter's adorable face. I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at her.

"She has his eyes," Madge states before she pauses. "And his nose."

I pull my eyes away from Ivy to look at Madge. I can see the pain in her eyes as she looks down at me with my daughter. I can't imagine what she is going through right now.

I still don't know what to say to her. I didn't know what to say to her when I finally called her yesterday and told her the truth. She is the one that wanted to meet today and I am still not sure how she is going to react. I know if I was in her situation I would want to lunge across the table to take a swipe at me.

"Do you want anything? I've ordered tea," I say.

Madge drags her eyes away from Ivy and takes a deep breath.

"Do they have anything stronger?" she asks.

I let out an awkward laugh. Madge shakes her head as she finally takes a seat opposite me.

"Tea will be fine," she says.

She gestures for a waitress to come over and orders a green tea. Once the waitress is gone she resumes her staring at Ivy.

"How old is she?" she asks.

"She was born on Monday," I reply.

Madge lets out a strangled sob.

"I assume that's where he was when he said he had that work conference this week," Madge says.

I nod my head lamely. Her husband had been there for Ivy's birth. He had been there to hold my hand and cry when our daughter finally made her appearance into the world.

"She's only 4 weeks younger than Max. He didn't even have the decency to not sleep with anyone while I was pregnant," she continues bitterly.

Max Mellark had been born 4 weeks before his half sister. I had been furious at him when he first told me Madge was pregnant. Ivy's conception wasn't far behind that of his son's.

"I didn't plan on getting pregnant. I never wanted children," I reply.

Only part of this is true. It's a lie to say the closeness of Max and Ivy's conception is a coincidence but I did never want to have children until I fell pregnant. I had never even wanted to fall in love. My own mum loved my dad deeply and she couldn't cope when he died in a car crash when I was 11. She broke down and now spends her days in a depression clinic. I swore to myself then that I would never get like that. Never love someone so much that they had the power to break me.

But then I met Peeta.

"But you knew he was married. You work in the office. You knew he had a family. And you still slept with him. How old are you anyway? You look like you have come straight out of school," Madge says.

"I'm 24. Heavensbee and Coin has been my first job since leaving university," I reply.

Madge sighs and shakes her head.

"It's such a cliché. The attractive young accountancy student and the office partner. It's not even original," she says. "How long has it being going on?"

I chew on my bottom lip as she waits for me to answer. I can see she is desperately clinging on to the hope that it was just a fling. That our affair meant nothing.

"3 years," I admit sheepishly.

This shocks her. She had clearly not been expecting the affair to have lasted so long. But it started about 4 months after I started my accountancy traineeship at Heavensbee and Coin. Peeta was the youngest partner at the company and I was instantly taken with him. I had wanted him the moment I saw him. Knowing he was married had only made him more attractive to me.

"You must think me so stupid. How could I not know my husband was having an affair? And there I was babbling onto you about pregnancy and childbirth at the Christmas party. The whole time you knew that it was my husband you were sleeping with," she says.

I look away from her now. Her last words make me feel guilty. Guilty for having an affair with her husband.

"The truth is that I know he has had his affairs in the past. It's not exactly hard to figure out when he comes home smelling of coconut shampoo even though he was supposed to be at a work meeting. No one showers after a work meeting," she says.

She takes a pause as she turns to look me straight in the eye.

"But I was always content with the knowledge that it was me he came back to. I am his wife. I am the mother of his children. I am the person who puts his dinner on the table every night. Peeta likes the stability of family life. I knew he couldn't let it go. So I turned a blind eye and allowed him to have his fun knowing it would always be me he came back to in the end. But I never imagined this happening" she adds waving her hand at Ivy.

I don't know what to say. I know it's true Peeta wouldn't leave her unless forced. He loves his sons too much. But he has another child now. I don't want my daughter to be his little secret. That's why I phoned Madge yesterday and told her the truth about Ivy's paternity.

"None have lasted this long. None have resulted in a child," she says.

Another pause as she looks at me carefully. I can see the stress in her eyes. This news has devastated her but she is trying desperately hard to keep it together. She knows her marriage hasn't been perfect these last few years but it still hurts her to know she has been betrayed so deeply.

"You're in love with him," she states.

It is not a question. It is a fact. She can see it on my face. Against all my better judgments I fell for him. I nod my head in confirmation.

"Does he love you?" she asks.

"Yes," I reply.

Part of her breaks now. She hadn't planned for him to have fallen in love with me. She could have forgiven him for everything else but not that. She knows her world is falling apart.

She nods her head before taking a deep breath.

"I don't think I can forgive this. I don't know why you went after my husband. Though I am well aware of his charm. I suppose you are not the first. Probably not the last. I never imagined he would screw up so badly," she says.

The waitress comes back with the tea but Madge just turns it away and gets up to leave.

"I don't have anything else to say to you. I don't need any more details about your sordid affair. I have to go home and sort out my family. Find a way to tell my sons that their daddy isn't going to be living with them anymore. This is going to destroy my family," she says.

I keep quiet. There is nothing I can say that will make things better for her. Nothing that will stop me looking like a slutty bitch.

Madge gathers up her bag and takes out a pair of sunglasses. She turns to take one last look at Ivy before departing.

"I can't believe you gave him a girl," she states sadly before turning and exiting the café.

I watch her sweep out of the café and into the hot summer afternoon. I know how much she wanted to give Peeta a girl. That's why she fell pregnant with Max. She wanted to give him a little girl he could take to ballet lessons and paint fairies with. But she has given him 4 boys. It must hurt to know I have finally given him the little girl he craved.

Ivy squirms in her car seat and I reach over to comfort her.

"Are you hungry Bug?" I say picking her out of the seat. "How about Mummy gives you some lunch?"

Ivy cries a bit longer as I unbutton my shirt to let her get her milk. She greedily latches on to my breast as she suckles her dinner. I hold her close and feel a little relieved that my meeting with Madge didn't end in a shouting match. I admire her slightly for being able to keep her cool. I know I wouldn't have been able to.

But as I watch Ivy eat her dinner a new sense of nervousness over takes me. I may have dealt with Madge but I still have to deal with Peeta. He won't be happy with what I have done and he is a lot more confrontational than Madge.

I grab a slice of cake at the café before taking Ivy back home to my house in Islington. I bought the house after I found out I was pregnant with Ivy and moved into it with my friend Johanna a couple of months before she was born.

It is a modest 3 bedroom red brick house with a small back garden that will be perfect for Ivy to play in when she is older. Peeta wanted to buy me something bigger. He feels it is too small and could be in a better neighbourhood. But then he is used to the multi-million pound townhouses in South Kensington. Not all of us need to live that way.

I told him no. I didn't want to owe him anything and it would have been hard to explain to his wife. My house may not be big but I have already filled it with all my photos and memorabilia that make it feel like home. The photos on the stairways will only grow in numbers as Ivy grows.

Johanna is home when we get back. She works as a junior doctor in one of London's city hospitals and is currently on her A and E rotation at the start of her second year after her graduation. She has only been in the department a week but already loves the pace and intensity of emergency medicine.

We met at university and were placed in the same halls. We bonded over the fact we were the only girls on our floor who preferred beer and rugby to cocktails and shopping. We are brutally honest with each other but have a great sense of loyalty towards one another. Johanna hasn't judged me for my decisions in the last 3 years.

I take Ivy out of her car seat and Johanna takes her off me to allow me to sort out my things. She sits with Ivy on the sofa, pulling silly faces at her as I pack away my stuff.

"How did it go then?" Johanna asks. "Was she mad?"

"No. She was eerily calm about it. But I could see the pain in her eyes. Particularly once she saw Ivy was a girl," I reply.

Johanna nods her head as Ivy stares up at her curiously.

"You are doing the right thing. For Ivy's sake. You couldn't let Peeta fit her in when it pleased him," Johanna says.

I finish putting away my stuff and turn to Johanna with a grateful smile. She wouldn't lie to me and I am grateful for her support. Not many people will see my side once this all comes out.

I take a seat wearily opposite Johanna and lean back against the sofa.

"He's not going to be happy about it," I say.

Johanna laughs.

"Have you even warned him that you have told Madge? He's in for a shock tonight if you haven't," Johanna says.

I shake my head.

"Let him be shocked. He's had control of this situation for way too long now. It is about time someone ruffled his feathers," I say.

Johanna shakes her head before looking down at Ivy and wriggling her fingers.

"You two have a fucked up relationship you know. Most people wouldn't want to see their lover squirm," she says.

I shrug my shoulders.

"I didn't want any of this to happen. I only got involved with him because I wanted something casual after the whole Gale debacle. If he had wife and kids he wouldn't want those things from me and I wouldn't have the drama of "where is this going?" talks. I just didn't factor him to be so damn impossible not to love," I grumble.

Johanna rolls her eyes.

"Like I say fucked up. I may not be Miss Commitment myself, but even I know that is a screwed up reason to start a relationship," she replies. "Your mum fucked you up bad."

I scowl at her now. I don't want to think about how my mother screwed up all relationships for me.

Ivy lets out a cry and Johanna gets up to give her to me. I rock her in my arms and hum a soft lullaby as Johanna sits back down and I try and soothe my daughter.

"Still can't get used to you having a kid. I thought hell would have frozen over before you popped one out," Johanna says as she watches Ivy and I.

I smile at her and continue to hum to Ivy. I never envisioned motherhood in my future but now Ivy is here I can't imagine a life without her. I only hope I can give her everything she needs.

"Do you want me to stay tonight? I can call in sick to work. You might want some moral support if Peeta comes round," Johanna says.

I continue to rock Ivy back and forth as her eyelids start to droop. The chances of Peeta coming round and shouting at me are high. He's going to be angry at what I have done and we often say nasty things to each other when we get worked up. I've already begun to prepare my defences for when he comes over.

"No. I'll be fine. I need to deal with him on my own," I say.

"Are you sure? The last time you two had an argument you flushed all your birth control pills down the toilet," Johanna replies.

I sigh as Ivy eyelids finally close. I don't need a reminder of my bad choices.

"I can handle him. I did it for Ivy. I will do anything to protect her," I say.

Johanna shrugs her shoulders and tells me to suit myself before getting up, placing a kiss on Ivy's head and going upstairs to get ready for work.

The butterflies in my stomach begin to grow as I think about what Peeta will say when he comes round. I know it won't be pleasant and I hate it when he shouts at me. And then there is the fear that my actions will have pushed him away for good. It would hurt to hear that he doesn't love me anymore but it would be devastating to hear him disown Ivy. She deserves so much more than what she is currently getting.

As the evening grows longer and the hours tick away I know the prospect of Peeta coming round grow higher. I know he gets home from work around 7, just in time to read his boys a story, and if Madge confronts him straight away he could be round here at any time after 8pm.

I watch the clock constantly as the evening wears on and I dress Ivy for bed. I feed and change her while every 10 seconds looking at the clock and wondering if he is going to turn up.

Eventually, just after I have settled Ivy back down, I hear the shrill ringing of the doorbell and a few angry bangs against the door.

I take the baby monitor with me as I go downstairs to answer the door. I open it to find a very angry and disheveled Peeta standing on my doorstep. He is still in his suit from the office but his tie has been loosened and hangs askew down his chest. His normally freshly pressed navy suit is all rumpled and crinkled. His blond curls look like they have been electrocuted as they stick out at odd angles suggesting he has being running his hands through them.

He doesn't even wait to be invited in before he pushes his way past me and rounds me to go into the living room.

"What the fuck did you do Katniss?" he yells at me. "I get home tonight to find my bags packed and Madge chucking me out! What the hell made you decide to tell her?"

I take a deep breath as I follow him through to the living room. I am not going to let him make me feel guilty.

"I did it for Ivy. You weren't even here for 3 hours before you left to go to your other family. I don't want her to be some little secret that you keep hidden away," I reply.

"It was Jamie's sports day! You know how important that is for me. How important that is for my son. I had to go!" he yells.

"But you have another child now!" I shout. "It's not fair on her to only get a few hours of your time when they get you all week. It may be okay now when she is young enough to not notice when you are not here but it is going to hurt her when she is older every time you go to be with your "real" family."

"I love Ivy. I will do everything to make sure she is happy and safe. How do you think having her father chucked out of his own house is going to be good for her?" he demands.

The situation is quickly spiralling out of control. Neither of us are going to admit we are wrong. Neither is willing to forgive the other for their actions.

"You are so selfish," I say with a bitter laugh. "You will only do things for Ivy if they are in your best interest."

Peeta shakes his head fiercely. His cheeks have gone pink with all his shouting. I only hope his words don't wake Ivy.

"You have just ruined my life. And not just mine. You are saying you did this to protect Ivy but did you even stop and think what this is going to do to my sons? I have to go back tomorrow and tell them that I am moving out. This is going to devastate them. They are going to lose their father because of you," he says poking me roughly in the chest.

This causes me to stop and think. I didn't think about his sons. I have never stopped to think how my relationship with their father was going to affect them. I realise that they and Ivy are the innocent victims in this story.

But I am still angry and don't have it in me to stop and apologies for the hurt I will cause his sons. And it irks me that their pain is more important to him than my daughter's.

"News flash for you Peeta. You ruined your own life. You were the one that asked me to dinner that first night. You were the one to suggest we go back to mine. You were the one who told me you loved me after we ended things those 2 months. This relationship has been all you," I shout back.

I am not going to take the blame for all this. I didn't seduce him and make him do all these things. He was equally responsible for the start of the relationship and all the bad decisions we have made since.

Peeta lets out a bitter laugh and runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

"I didn't think you would do this to me. You say you love me," he says a lot more calmly.

My heart clenches at his words. I do love him. Even now, after we have screamed the living daylights out of each other, my heart still pounds at the sight of him. I still want to reach out to him and kiss away his pain. I still want him to take me in his arms and hold me. To tell me that Ivy and I are all he needs.

But I don't because now I have someone more important in my life and I can't be weak for her.

"I do," I reply. "But I love my daughter more."

Peeta huffs and runs another agitated hand through his hair.

"I can't be around you right now. I don't think I can forgive you," he says coolly.

My heart drops at his words of rejection but I know it is the right thing to let him go now. It is not good for Ivy to hear her parents shouting.

As if on cue she starts screaming and both Peeta and I snap our heads in the direction of the noise. Peeta is moving past me before I have time to think and heads up the stairs to her room.

"I'll get her," he says gruffly as he brushes past me.

He bounds up the stairs 2 at a time in a rush to get to our daughter.

I follow him shortly after and push the door slightly to peek in and see them.

He sits on the rocking chair with Ivy cradled in his arms. He rocks back and forth on the chair as he recites some nonsense poem about a zoo. Ivy's big blue eyes look up at him as he speaks, transfixed by the sound.

I have always loved the sound of his voice. Deep and velvety. It can calm even the grumpiest person. My heart clenches at the sight of them together. It amazes me how his eyes can be clouded with anger one minute and full of love for our daughter the next. He may have many faults but loving his children is not one of them.

Soon Ivy's eyelids drop and she is snoozing softly in her father's arms. Peeta rocks her for a few more moments before leaning forward to place a kiss on the top of her head and placing her back in her cot.

He brushes a bit of hair off her face as he looks down at her lovingly as she sleeps.

"I love you sweetie. I'll be back real soon," he says before leaning down to give her another kiss.

I can see the torment in his eyes at the prospect of leaving her. Even after having Madge chuck him out the hardest part for him in all of this is leaving his children.

However his eyes turn cold as he turns and sees me. He clenches his bottom jaw as he makes his way towards me.

"I'll be in touch about when I can next see Ivy," he says coldly. There is a brief pause before he says the next thing.

"I hate you for what you did today."

I flinch a little at his harsh words but in my heart know I did the right thing for my daughter.

He walks past me and lets himself out without looking back.

* * *

**A/N: I know things are bad at the moment but bare with me. It will become apparent soon that both Katniss and Peeta have a lot of issues and it will take them a while to figure them out.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to everyone that followed and commented on the first chapter. This is a very different version of Katniss and Peeta than I normally write and they are not the most likable people at the start of this chapter but they will start to see the error of their ways and try to become better people. It's just going to take them a long time to get there.**

* * *

Chapter 2

_Peeta_

The small round circle on my ipad screen spins around as I wait for it to connect with my boys. The screen stays black for a moment before the picture flickers onto the screen and I am greeted with the sight of my 3 eldest sons. I catch a glimpse of Madge as she props her ipad up so that they are in the centre of the frame and she tells them they have some time to talk with Daddy. She disappears from shot soon after and I am left alone with my 3 smiling boys.

They sit in age order on the plush red sofa that sits in what was my living room. The youngest at 3 years old, Charlie, sits to the right chewing on a chocolate bar with chocolate smeared all over his face. 5 year old Harry sits excitedly in the middle and leans in closer to peer at me through the screen. He gives me an enthusiastic wave once he sees me. I smile back at him broadly and wave back at him as he bounces up and down on the sofa. My eldest, Jamie who is 7, sits stoically to the left. He doesn't smile at me like his 2 younger brothers and sits quietly while he lets his 2 brothers talk. The youngest, Max, isn't on screen at all but at 10 weeks old it is impractical for him to be sitting with his older brothers.

All the boys look so alike. All with blonde hair and blue eyes. Jamie resembles me the most. He is the only one to have inherited my unruly curls and square jaw. Both Harry and Charlie have the more delicate features of their mother but all 4 have the same brilliant shade of blue eyes that I have. The same shade that I am certain their sister is going to have too.

"I had a play date with Oscar today. Mummy took us to the park and we went on the swings. And not the baby ones that Charlie and Max go on. The big ones! I went as high as space!" Harry declares.

I smile as I listen to him jabber on about his adventures in the park. It's the middle of the school holidays and the warm weather has meant that all 3 boys have spent a lot of time outdoors. Harry is definitely the most talkative of the lot and won't be satisfied until he has told me about every minute of his day with his friend Oscar.

Charlie still sits sucking on his chocolate bar and I can see that he is getting bored. His eyes roam around the room as he struggles to sit still while his brother dominates the conversation. Jamie just sits silently next to them.

"And I found a caterpillar and told Oscar that they turn into butterflies but he said I was lying. So I told him he was stupid and we got into a fight and Mummy said if we didn't play nicely then Oscar would have to go home," Harry says. "But they do, don't they Daddy? Caterpillars turn into butterflies. That's what _The Hungry Caterpillar_ book says."

"That's right Bud. But you can't call your friends stupid. How would you like it?" I reply.

Harry frowns and bows his head.

"I suppose," he grumbles.

I smile at the dramas of a 5 year old. I then turn my head towards Jamie.

I have always had a special relationship with Jamie. Maybe it is to do with the fact he is was my first child or that I see so much of myself in him but when I was living at home he and I would have lots of adventures running round the house. We would pretend to be spies and make mud pies in the garden as he told me everything that came across his mind. It is strange to hear him so quiet.

"How's mini rugby camp? I heard the England captain came to talk to you," I say.

Jamie just looks at me and shrugs his shoulders.

"It's okay," he replies.

My heart clenches at his limited response. He used to tell me everything but since Madge threw me out he's be distant with me. I suppose with him being the eldest he understands what is happening the most. I hate that I am the reason for making him so sad.

I don't get a chance to ask a follow up question because Harry has cut in to ask another question. Charlie by this point has finished his chocolate bar and begun crawling up the back of the sofa in an effort to amuse himself. It seems a conversation with his dad is not interesting enough.

"When are you coming home Daddy? Jamie and I have built a fort in the garden and we want to show you. Charlie wants to play too but we don't let him because he's too little," Harry says.

"He's not coming home. He doesn't love Mummy anymore. He has another baby and lives in a hotel now," Jamie replies.

I am shocked by the straightforwardness of his reply. He sounds about 10 years older as he says it. He is perfectly aware of what is going on and I can sense he hates me for it.

Harry's eyes fall as he burrows back into the cushions after Jamie's remark. My heart aches as I see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes.

Telling the boys that I was leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Madge was insistent that I was the one to explain why I wouldn't be living with them anymore. I had to explain to them that I had done things to hurt their mum which meant I couldn't live with her anymore.

Madge stood in the corner with her arms crossed as she watched me tell them. She wouldn't let me go until I had told them about Katniss and Ivy. Harry and Charlie didn't really understand and asked why Ivy didn't come home like Max did. Everything at that age is so black and white for them and I was at a loss of how to explain to them that I had cheated on their mother.

Jamie understood though. He went very quiet when I told him and wouldn't look me in the eye. It was him in the end that made his brothers understand what was happening.

I had tried to keep my tears at bay as I got up to leave, placing a kiss on each of their heads. Charlie started crying as I got ready to leave and Harry clung on to my leg begging me to stay. It took all my strength and will power to pry myself away from them.

I had never wanted this.

It may sound stupid but I never thought about them when I was with Katniss. They were 2 completely separate parts of my life. My relationship with her didn't affect the time I spent with them. I still went to every school concert and rugby practise. I still chased them round the house and read them bedtime stories at night. They always came first and Katniss knew that.

Being away from them is torture. Since Madge threw me out I have been staying at the Savoy hotel and I hate how quiet is. I miss the sounds of my sons' laughter and the mess they make with their bubble baths. I miss their smell of baby shampoo and tucking them in goodnight. And I hate that I know I have caused them pain because of my actions.

I let out a heavy sigh as I lean in closer to the camera.

"I wish I could be with you guys. I miss you all so much. It's too quiet here without you. But I'm taking you out this weekend. We're going to the zoo. We'll have lots of fun," I say.

Harry nods his head despondently and the pain in my heart gets tighter. The chatter dies after that and Madge comes back through holding baby Max and tells the boys to say goodbye and go upstairs to wait for their bath.

They mumble their goodbyes before they hop of the sofa and I am left alone with my wife. She takes a deep breath before speaking.

"Are you picking the boys up at half nine on Saturday?" she asks briskly.

"Yes. I'll have them home by 5," I reply.

Madge nods her head as she rocks Max to sleep. We have nothing to say to each other that won't hurt the other.

"I've booked an appointment with my lawyer this week. We might as well get the whole divorce process started," she says after a moment.

I nod my head in agreement.

Being away from Madge has been the easiest thing through this whole ordeal. I have not been in love with her for a long time. After we got married she became this whole other person. She became determined to become the perfect housewife and gone went our afternoons spent cycling to different pubs in Kent and lazy Sundays where we didn't get out of bed. She was constantly dragging me to boutique furniture stores and spending hours in the kitchen all to make me the perfect steak. She is no longer the fun and carefree girl I fell in love with.

I love her for giving me my sons but I feel no longing or desire when I look at her. We just drifted apart. And as much as I know a divorce will hurt the boys I can't say that I am sad to separate from her.

"Okay. I'll let my lawyer know. I want this to be as painless as possible," I reply.

Madge gives me a pained look.

"No divorce is painless," she replies before saying goodbye and ending the call.

I cringe a little when I see the pain in her eyes. I may no longer love her but part of her still loved me. And I betrayed her in the worst possible away. I am not heartless enough to feel no guilt over the pain I have caused her.

I am left alone in my silent hotel room wondering how I managed to make such a big mess of my life.

* * *

The next day I sit in my office looking over the set of accounts for a potential new client and trying to decipher if they are a viable enough cooperation. Things at the office aren't any better than they are at the hotel. But I suppose that is what you get for sleeping with one of your students.

Things at the office have been tense since it all came out about me and Katniss and that I was the father of her baby.

The affair started a few months after she started working for us 3 years ago. She was one of the students working in my team and I was instantly taken by her smoky eyes and smooth curves. I normally avoided affairs with people in the office but I couldn't stop myself from being drawn to her.

At first it was the perfect arrangement. She didn't want a relationship and all the commitments that came with it. I just wanted a good shag every now and again. But then a year down the line she had to blurt out she loved me while we were having sex and everything changed.

I tried to distance myself from her after that. I normally ended things before things got to that point and I cursed myself for getting attached. As much as I craved female attention I didn't want to leave my wife and sons.

But I couldn't stay away from her. I realised I had done the unthinkable and fallen in love with her too. I needed her in my life and went crawling back to her. The affair has lasted ever since.

I was shocked when she told me she was pregnant and the timing of conception was a little suspicious but I couldn't suppress the thrill at knowing we had created something together.

We had been pretty successful at keeping the affair quiet at work and the majority of people at Heavensbee and Coin accountancy were surprised by the revelation. Only the senior partner, Haymitch Abernathy, knew about the affair.

People don't know how to talk to me now. I walk past them and immediately their whispering stops as they watch me walk by. I know they have been talking about me. Most of the women in the office look at me with contempt. Many, like Annie, are friends with Madge and hate what I have done to her. The men just look at me with a pitying look. I'm not the only one to have an affair but they pity me for getting caught. I hate them for it.

At least Katniss is on maternity leave so I don't have to put up with people watching and gossiping about our interactions. It is bad enough as it is.

The phone on my desk rings and I reach over to pick it up.

"Mr Mellark, your mother is here to see you," my secretary tells me.

I let out a weary sigh as I run a hand through my hair. This is the last thing I need.

"Tell her to come in," I reply and my secretary tells she'll let her im.

I put away the accounts I was looking at and prepare myself for my mum's arrival.

She enters my office 5 minutes later with her giant Mulberry handbag slung over her arm and Channel sunglasses perched on top of her head. For a woman pushing 70 she is remarkably well put together. Her dyed blonde haired is tied together in a fancy knot and she wears an expensive looking pair of cream trousers with baby pink blouse. A strand of pearls hang around her neck and her and her leathery face is caked in make-up.

She scrunches her nose a little as she scrutinises the room. Her eyes settle on the desk in front of me.

"I see you didn't take my advice about the mahogany desk. Dark wood conveys more authority than this oak desk you have got," she says.

Not even a hello. Just another criticism. I take a deep breath through my nose to try and compose myself.

"Hello Mum. The colour of my desk is the least of my problems," I reply.

Mum raises her eyebrows as she continues to stand staring me down.

"Indeed. You can't believe how angry I was to discover 2 weeks into my holiday that you seem to have lost all your senses and slept with some little office whore. My holiday was ruined after that," she says.

I clench my fists. Of course she is upset about the fact I ruined her holiday. She doesn't actually care for all the hurt people involved.

Mum and Dad had just started a 2 month tour around Italy when Madge threw me out. But all that was forgotten when it all came out about Katniss. It is safe to say Mum was not impressed. She has given me a few angry phone calls and text messages but I have been able to avoid a face to face meeting with her up until this point. Her and Dad only got back yesterday from Rome but it seems Mum couldn't wait any longer to let me know how much of a failure I am.

"And the worse thing is that I find out you have fathered a little bastard. Do you know the shame you have brought upon this family?" she says.

"Don't ever call Ivy that. It's not her fault. She is my daughter and your granddaughter. I will have you treat her with some respect," I say coolly.

I am used to having her talk shit about me but I won't let her talk about Ivy like that.

Mum lets out a cruel laugh.

"I will never acknowledge that thing as my grandchild. My granddaughters are your nieces that your brothers had the good sense to have with their wives. You have always been the most disappointing of my sons. I suppose her whore of a mother is demanding a ridiculous high amount of child support. Only you could be stupid enough to fall for that," Mum says.

"It's not like that," I reply.

Mum smiles cruelly.

"They are all like that. You are weak for succumbing to it. Madge was everything you needed in a wife. She came from a place of status. Had the proper breeding. She gave you 4 sons. You are pathetic for throwing that away," she says.

It is no secret that Mum has always loved Madge more than me. Madge was everything she wanted in a daughter-in-law. While I can't remember the last nice thing Mum said about me she was always showering Madge in compliments. They would go on away on spa trips and gossip over brunch together. I married Madge partly in an effort to please Mum and get her to like me.

"Do you know how embarrassing it is to admit to my friends what you have done? It seems you are intent on humiliating me. You have just proven that you are completely worthless," Mum says bitterly.

Every insult that falls from her mouth feels like a lash to my back. She is the guard that keeps on whipping until my skin is raw and bloody.

Her words sting. I have never been good enough for her. She's not very fond of children and by the time I came along, the last of 3 boys, she had given up any interest of being a mother. She ignored me for most of my childhood and I remember asking the nanny if I could call her Mummy instead. When I was 5 I even tried once to give Mum a picture of a rainbow I drew to show her I loved her. She just looked at the picture in disgust and asked why would I ever want to give her such a thing. I don't think I have ever heard her say she loves me.

Her complete lack of motherly love didn't stop me trying to please her though. I was desperate as a child to get her to notice me but as I reached my teens I realised it was of no use. It didn't matter that I was captain of the first XV rugby team at school or the youngest partner Heavensbee and Coin have ever had, I have always had some failing. A failure because I didn't pursue a professional rugby career or if I had been really ambitious I could have made partner at 30 instead of 34. There is always something I have done wrong.

This time I know that I have fucked up. I live in a hotel and see my kids once a week if I am lucky. Both mothers of my children barely speak to me and I am the centre of all work place gossip at the moment. But the way Mum speaks to me about it harsh. Her tone is cruel and she says these words not to give me a reality check but to hurt me.

Like every time I speak with her I feel like a little boy again. Scolded for taking biscuits out the biscuit jar. An inconvenience that she would rather not have.

"Madge told me that she is filing for divorce. I will be able to add the name divorcee to the list of pathetic words I use to describe you," she adds.

I don't know how to defend myself. I know if I try she will just use it as ammunition to insult me further. I don't think I can take anymore.

"I didn't think you could disappoint me more than you have already. But well done. At least you succeeded there. I will get in touch with you once I have overcome my humiliation. Goodbye," she says sharply before sweeping out the room.

I sit at my desk staring into nothing after she is gone. The sting from her words sharp against my skin.

* * *

I am in a depressed mood when I go round to Katniss's house later that evening. The conversation with my mother and the emotional strain of being away from my children has taken its toll and I feel hollow and empty inside. I know the only thing that has a chance of cheering me up is some time with my daughter.

Katniss and I have barely spoken since the day she told Madge about our affair. I am pretty angry at her for what she did and she is pissed at me for shouting at her. But I still want to see Ivy. The only time Katniss and I have communicated is when we talk about our daughter and arrange times for me to come and visit. The situation may be messed up but I don't want my daughter to be affected by it.

It has been strange not being there every day for Ivy. With my three oldest boys I was there for every cry, every night feed and every small milestone. They grow so much and change in these first few months and I feel like I am looking at a different child every time I go round and see her. It kills me to know I am missing things in her life.

Johanna opens the door when I arrive and gives me a curt nod of the head as she lets me in. She is in her work scrubs and I assume that she must start her night shift soon.

"Blondie," she says as she steps aside. "Katniss is in the kitchen. The little bug is sleeping upstairs."

"Thanks for letting me know. I'll just go and check in with Katniss," I reply.

Johanna nods her head and begins gathering up her things.

She is a loyal friend to Katniss. I got the third degree from her when I first started sleeping with her but she didn't judge us for what we were doing and was very good at making herself scarce the times I came round to see Katniss. I know she would do anything to protect Katniss and Ivy and for that I am grateful.

Katniss is making a cup of tea when I enter the kitchen. She turns to me with a small nod as she holds the tea cup and dips the tea bag in and out of it.

"Hi," I say with a small wave. "Johanna said Ivy is asleep. I won't wake her but will sit with her until she wakes. I would still like to spend some time with her."

Katniss nods her head.

"Okay. You know where her room is," she replies.

We stand a little awkwardly in the kitchen for a moment longer unsure if either of us should say anything more. Part of me hates that it has come to this between us. I never had a problem with speaking to her before. In fact we opened up to each other pretty quickly. Our hot love making in the office or at her flat were often followed by moments where we'd talk about everything and anything until it was time for me to leave. Even after everything, I miss that connection we had.

Eventually I give her a nod of the head before turning and going up to Ivy.

There is a soft nightlight on beside the cot and a colourful mobile hangs above Ivy's head. She sleeps soundly on her back, her arms tucked up around her head and a stuffed yellow bunny rabbit sitting in the corner.

I lean forwards into the cot and place a kiss on her dark curls. It amazes me how much hair she has. All the boys were bald until they were about 6 months old. I hope her hair comes out as thick and silky as her mother's.

I take a seat on the rocking chair beside the cot and reach a hand through the bars as I lean closer to stroke her head.

I have always wanted a little girl. A daddy's girl that I can spoil rotten and chase away all the boys. That was part of the reason Madge was so determined to get pregnant again. She wanted to give me that girl. I had to listen to her cry herself to sleep the day we found out we were getting our fourth boy.

Don't get me wrong. I love my sons and wouldn't trade them for the world but I am glad that I got Ivy. That I got the little girl I craved.

"Hey. Daddy's here now. I've missed you. But it's okay if you want to sleep. I'll never hold your decisions against you. You can do whatever you want and I will still love you. I don't want you to ever think that I don't love you. Because I do. With all my being," I whisper to her.

"You saw your mother today," Katniss says standing from the doorway.

I get a little fright at her words. I didn't hear her come up. But she has always been stealthily quiet.

I twist round to look at her. It wasn't a question. She knows I must have seen my mother today.

"What makes you say that?" I ask.

Katniss places her cup of tea down on the chest of drawers by the door and makes her way into the room. She stops to stand and place a hand on the edge of the cot.

"You've got that look in your eye. The one that looks like someone has sucked out your soul. You only get that look after talking to her," she replies.

I let out a small laugh as I turn back to look at Ivy. She knows me so well. Through all the sex she was still able to learn things about me. Still able to understand my triggers.

"They got back from Italy yesterday. It was just the usual how stupid and pathetic I was. How I let the whole family down. You think I would be used to it by now," I say solemnly.

Katniss gives me a sad smile and drops to her knees so she is kneeling in front of me. She reaches out to take my hand and begins to rub soothing circles with her thumb.

It is ridiculous how much energy jolts through my body at her touch. I haven't touched her in 6 weeks. The longest since the time I tried to step away from her. No woman has ever made me feel quite as much as she does.

"You shouldn't have to be used to it. It is a mother's duty to love her son," she says.

I smile at her gratefully and give her hand a gentle squeeze. Katniss hates to see me in pain. It is one of her weaknesses. She would never deny me if she saw me upset and miserable.

"It is pathetic really. A 37 year old man shouldn't need his mother's approval. It's pathetic how much I seek it," I reply.

"We all want our parents to be proud of us but I don't think mine would be particularly proud of me either at the moment," she says still rubbing soothing circles over my knuckles.

I'm staring at her intently now. Her grey eyes shine in the soft orange light in Ivy's bedroom. Her touch is still making my body buzz with energy. All my desire for her comes rushing back all at once. It's been so long since I have had her. I know what I want to make myself feel better. What I always need after I have spoken with my mother.

She is staring back at me with an equal intensity and I know she won't be able to deny me. I feel the spark of electricity between us that hasn't been subdued even 3 years later. With one purposeful movement I reach forward to grab her head and tug her towards me to engage her in a heated kiss.

She gasps into my mouth as I tug her close and weave my hands through her hair. Soon her hands are wrapped around my neck and she returns my kiss with a fervour.

My feelings of inadequacy melt away as she consumes me and I only focus on the way her skin feels beneath my finger tips and the sounds she is making from our kisses. I focus on the feeling of being wanted. Of being needed.

She pulls her mouth away and I instantly drop my lips to plant soft kisses on the exposed bit of collar bone.

"Not here," she pants as she leans her head to the side to grant me access to her neck. Her hands thread themselves through my curls to guide me to the spot she wants me most.

"Not in front of Ivy," she says again her chest rising and falling rapidly.

I growl as I pull my lips away from her neck and lean in to give her a bruising kiss.

"I need you so badly," I say.

Katniss lets out a contented sigh before she picks herself off me and drags me out of the room. Her bedroom is just across the hall and we crash through the doorway as I push her against the wall. She gasps as I press my hips into her and she feels my erection hard against her stomach.

I need to have her now. I need to forget all about my mother and Madge and how I don't get to see my sons.

I may have been pissed at her for telling Madge but it is still her I need. Her tight pussy wrapped around me. Her nails dragging down my back.

I miss her in a way I don't miss Madge. Whatever I had with Madge faded long ago but the fire I feel for Katniss is still there and roaring bright. I can forgive her for what she did because she is the one I love. The one I want.

I don't even bother getting us both completely naked. I need to feel her now. I reach forward to pop the button on her jeans and push them and her underwear down her legs. We are still kissing furiously as I undo my belt with one hand while the other grips her head in a possessive embrace.

My own trousers and boxers hit the floor and I take a step closer to her. She gasps as she feels my erection press against her wet folds.

"We shouldn't be doing this," she pants as I place kisses along her neck.

"It's been six weeks. You're fine. Are you back on birth control?" I ask as I kiss my way up her neck to suckle on her ear lobe.

Katniss lets out a strangled cry as my hands find her clit and gives it a firm rub.

"I need you," I plead placing a soft kiss on her lips.

Katniss looks at me with hazy eyes. She nods as I feel her body relax and she reaches forward to kiss me hard.

I don't waste another minute getting inside her as I thrust into her. We both cry out as we join together and I begin undulating my hips, wary to not go too hard so soon after her giving birth.

She feels so good. She's not as tight as she was before she had Ivy but she still squeezes me in a way that gets me moaning and she is still as wet as ever.

We soon set a pace that is comfortable for us both and my name starts to tumble from her lips.

I love watching her while we have sex. Her cheeks develop this lovely flush and her pupils grow so big her eyes are almost black. She leans her head back against the wall as I pound into her again and again and she moans in approval. Her chest rises and falls rapidly as the sweat begins to drip down her neck. I lean forward to lick away the trail of sweat and I am rewarded with another sultry moan.

My own orgasm is rapidly approaching so I reach down between us and rub her clit in quick hard circles. Her moans grow louder as she picks her head off the wall and grabs my head for a heated kiss. I feel her walls clench around me moments later and I swallow her cry with a kiss.

Soon after I cry out as I find my own release.

We both slump against the wall as we try to catch our breath. I smile at her sweetly and lean forward to place a kiss on her forehead.

"I've missed you," I say.

Katniss freezes and looks up at me with wide eyes. She pulls up her underwear and jeans as she steps away from me and runs a hand through her hair.

"We shouldn't have done it. It was all wrong," she says.

I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. Where is this coming from? We have both just had amazing orgasms and I have a new sense of clarity. I am ready to forgive her for telling Madge. I am ready to have a real relationship with her.

"What are you talking about? I'm forgiving you about Madge. A warning would have been nice but I understand why you told her. You did it for Ivy. I can't be mad at you for that. I love you. I want to be with you," I say earnestly reaching out for her hands.

Katniss lets out a sad laugh and pulls her hands away. Her rejection hits me right in the heart.

"We can't be in a real relationship!" she says. "Don't you see how fucked up this is? We have barely talked in 6 weeks but we are already fucking against the wall. We have big problems and they can't be solved with sex."

"But I love you. Not Madge. It's you I choose," I say.

"I love you too but our relationship is fucked up. We do things to hurt each other…" she says.

"That's not true," I cut in. "We don't mean to hurt each other."

"Yes we do. I fell pregnant with Ivy on purpose after you told me Madge was pregnant. I knew it would hurt you the most to have to choose between your children. I was so angry at you that I flushed all my birth control pills away. I wanted to make you feel pain," she says.

I am stunned by the revelation. I was always a bit suspicious about the timing of Ivy's conception but never dreamed Katniss would do it on purpose. I had no idea she wanted to hurt me that bad.

"You've done things to hurt me too. Things you know would hurt me," she adds.

She's right. I paraded Madge around on purpose after Katniss told me she loved me for the first time. We weren't supposed to fall in love so I wanted to punish her a little.

"I can't believe you did that. You told me it was an accident," I reply.

"That's my point. We lie to each other. We hurt each other and try to fuck away our problems. It's not healthy. Our relationship is toxic. And it's not just about us anymore. We have Ivy to think about and I don't want her to be in a house were her parents hurt each other all the time. I can't do that to her," Katniss says.

"So you're saying we can't be together?" I ask.

My heart is clenching again. I can't stand the thought of losing Katniss on top of everything else. I thought she loved me.

"Not right now," Katniss replies.

My heart breaks. Her rejection hits me right in the gut and makes me feel nauseous.

"You don't love me?" I ask like a little boy.

I can see the pain in Katniss's eyes. She hates seeing me in pain. She hates that she is causing it.

"I do love you. But we both need to change if this is ever going to work. You need trust and respect and compromise to make a relationship work and we have none of those things. Maybe if we work really hard we'll get to that place and be the parents Ivy deserves," she says.

I am lost for words. I can see the tears threatening to fall at the corners of her eyes. But she won't let them. She needs to stay strong in front of me.

The pain in my chest burns. I am famed for my charm and getting people to do whatever I want but I know I can't make Katniss change her mind. She is determined and stubborn.

We stand staring at each other for a long moment. I don't want to leave because leaving means the conversation has ended and that she has won. I'm not ready to let her go yet.

But then Ivy cries and I remember why I came here in the first place. No matter what my children come first. I take one last look at Katniss before turning and walking through to Ivy's room, a huge hole in my heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks once again for everyone who has followed/commented on this story before. It is great seeing all the different reactions to the characters. Hope you keep enjoying.**

* * *

Chapter 3

_Katniss_

I sit playing with the strap of my watch in the therapist's reception. A smart looking red head with hipster glasses sits behind the large oak desk typing on the computer. There are 2 other people sitting in the reception with me. One is a young male with dirty blonde hair and sunken skin. He keeps pulling down the long sleeves of his black top as if hiding something. I am not surprised to spy a needle mark when his sleeve rides up as he scratches his nose.

The other is a woman in her fifties with limp brown hair and she sits hunched forward muttering the words "Tick Tock" over and over again. I try not to stare at them both and judge them for their mental state. I am here for the same reason they are. To get help.

After Peeta and I fucked against my bedroom wall I realised that I needed to seek out help. For the first time I felt hollow after we had finished instead of the usual satisfaction. In that moment I realised just how fucked up our relationship is. Our whole relationship revolves around sex and we have hurt people along the way. His wife and sons. Ivy. Each other. It not good enough anymore. We can't be good parents to Ivy with a relationship like that.

So I've decided to make changes in my life. To be a better person and mother for Ivy. And I can't do that by myself. So I took the decision to look in the phone book and seek professional help. I have way too many problems to sort out on my own.

Dr Aurelius comes highly recommended and specialises in relationship issues. So many of my bad decisions in the last 10 years have been to do with my relationship with men. And as nerve racking as it is I know I have to start talking about them.

I jiggle my foot up and down as I wait. I look around the room and scan the various leaflets that are on display. I have nervous butterflies in my stomach. I just hope I have the courage to do this.

A few moments later a tall man in a navy suit and neatly trimmed dark beard steps out of his office. He scans the room as his eyes land on me. He gives me a warm smile before speaking.

"Katniss Everdeen? You can come in now," he says.

I take a deep breath to compose myself before I pick up my handbag and clutch it close to my shoulder. I give the man a weak smile and follow him into the room.

The room is bright with a large glass window and large yucca plant in the corner. The furnishings are all dark but this is offset by the warm cream of the walls. There is a dark leather sofa which the man gestures to me to sit on. I perch on the end of it, still clutching my bag tightly as my eyes look around to take in the room.

The man sits opposite me and takes on a relaxed pose.

"It's nice to meet you Katniss. I'm Dr Aurelius and you can relax. My taste in crappy horror films aside I think I am a generally nice person," he says with a grin.

I let out a stiff laugh and relax a little at his lame attempt at a joke. Maybe it won't be so hard to talk to this guy. He doesn't seem as intense and scary as many as the film and TV therapists are portrayed. I loosen the grip on my bag slightly and let it rest on the sofa.

"I won't be asking you lots of deep personal questions today. I want to gain your trust first. You set the pace," he says.

I let out a little breath and nod my head. I finally let go of the straps of my bag and settle a little further back into the couch. It's good to know I won't have to tell him everything today. I have done so many bad things that I am embarrassed about. I don't want him to judge me on the first session.

"Okay. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself," he prompts.

His green eyes are locked onto mine and he now holds a pen and pad in his hand. I break his eye contact to look out the window. I have never been comfortable keeping eye contact with another person particularly one who wants me to talk about myself. I take a deep breath before speaking.

"Well my name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 24 years old. I live in Islington with my best friend and 7 week old daughter. I just found out I passed my final set of accountancy exams last month…" I say beginning to trail off.

I don't know if these are the types of things he wants to know. I feel like I am back at freshers week at uni where I had to reel off my biography to every person I met; my name, age, where I came from. I don't want to bore him with the mundane details of my life.

Dr Aurelius senses my hesitance and moves to help me.

"Any other family? Apart from your daughter?" he asks.

A smile spreads across my face as I think of my sister.

"Prim. She's my little sister. She's studying medicine at Newcastle. She's smart and caring and everyone loves her," I reply.

After my dad died, Prim and I became really close. I took on the role of her protector and made sure she always knew she was loved even when Mum checked out on us. I miss her terribly now that she is in Newcastle but am excited at seeing her soon.

"You find it easy to talk about her," Dr Aurelius comments with a smile. "Easier than talking about yourself."

He looks at me with a raised eyebrow and smile. I laugh and duck my head.

"She's a better person than me. And no one likes talking about themselves. It feels like bragging," I say.

Dr Aurelius nods his head and writes something down. I tense as I see him do it. I feel like I have said something wrong.

"Parents?" he asks next.

I go quiet for a moment and continue to look at my hands as I fiddle with my thumbs. I take a deep breath as I plan to get this next bit out quickly.

"My dad died when I was 11. My mum broke down after it and now stays in a facility to treat her depression. And there is our Aunt Effie who took as in after Mum was admitted," I say.

Dr Aurelius doesn't say anything. I still find talking about my parents hard. I am afraid of the feelings that talking about them brings up. I don't want to break down into a sobbing mess because talking about it gets all too much for me.

"I'm sorry. That must be hard for you," he says sincerely.

I look up and blink away a tear. He doesn't push me for more information. I am sure he will one day but it seems that he really doesn't need to know all my darkest parts today.

"What hobbies do you have?" he then asks changing the course of the conversation.

I smile at him gratefully as I tell him how I enjoy outdoor sports, music and rugby. We spend the next few moments talking about my likes and dislikes as I feel under no pressure to reveal answers to him. I relax as the conversation goes on and I feel more and more comfortable around him.

I am not stupid. I know this is his tactic. He must have sensed my nervousness and reluctance when I walked in. He is trying to gain my trust so that I am more willing to open up to him when it becomes time to talk about the big stuff.

The session goes by quickly and I soon find that I only have 10 minutes left with him. We haven't even touched on the reason why I am here, Peeta or the decisions that led me to hurt people.

Suddenly his demeanour changes. He sits up straighter in his chair and gives me a more serious look.

"So let's talk about what brought you here today. Why do you want to come to therapy? What are you hoping to achieve?" he asks.

I look back down at my hands again. This is harder to admit than what my favourite colour is.

"I want to be a better person. I've done horrible things that have hurt people," I say.

Dr Aurelius looks at me carefully and nods his head.

"Is there a specific incident that led you to this realisation?" he asks.

I take a deep breath. I have never admitted out loud how I have hurt people.

"I destroyed a family. Lied to the man I supposedly love," I say.

"And how did you do that?"

This guy is good. He's got me to relax so much in his presence that the words just start to tumble out.

"I had an affair with a married man. He has four kids but I had my daughter with him while he was still with his wife. I'm a pretty terrible person," I reply.

"We are often our own worst critics. Nothing is black and white," he says.

I look up to smile gratefully at him but don't really believe him. I am sure he will think pretty terribly of me when I tell him the whole story.

"You say you want to be a better person. What does that entail?" he asks.

I shrug my shoulders and look across at the plant.

"I don't know. I guess don't lie. Don't cheat. Don't hurt other people," I reply.

"Try turning those things into positive aspects?" he asks.

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"I don't know what you mean," I say.

"We are often too harsh on ourselves. All those things, while good things to try and aim for, used the word don't. I want you to stop being so negative and think of positive aspects that you aim to achieve," he says.

My eyebrows furrow further. I am not sure what he is getting at.

"For example. Don't lie means you want to be truthful. Don't cheat means you want to be honest and faithful. And don't hurt other people means you want to make people feel good," he says.

It all makes sense now. I am generally a glass half empty person and find it hard to be positive. But I can understand why he wants me to think this way. I guess becoming a better person will involve me thinking more positively but it will be a hard habit to kick.

Dr Aurelius smiles at me again.

"I'll be here to help you to figure out how to achieve that," he says.

I smile at him and he gets up to let me out. I get up too picking up my bag as I walk to the door.

"Don't look so worried. You have done the hard thing by admitting that you have done something wrong. Many older and wiser people can't do so. It will get easier," he reassures.

"Thank you," I say taking his hand and shaking it firmly.

And I believe him. I believe him that he will help me. I believe him that it will get easier. For the first time in a long time I feel hope that I can get my life together.

* * *

"So you didn't even talk about Peeta?" Johanna asks as she spoons a bit of spaghetti in her mouth. "He's your main problem!"

I smile as I tuck into my own spaghetti using only one hand. I hold Ivy in my other as I try to calm her her down.

"It was all about getting to know me and gaining my trust. I know Peeta is my biggest problem. I know I will have to talk about him at some point just not today," I say.

Johanna shakes her head as she finishes the last of her dinner. She puts down her fork and reaches across the table and offers to take Ivy so I can finish my dinner with both hands. Johanna holds Ivy against her chest and rubs circles on her back all in an effort to stop her small whimpers.

"Have you told him you are seeing a shrink?" she asks.

I shake my head. It didn't cross my mind to tell Peeta. I know he will probably think it a silly idea. He still hasn't realised we have got problems.

Part of my heart melted when he told me he wanted to be with me. I have wanted that ever since I realised I loved him. It would have been so easy to accept his offer but I can't do that to Ivy. If I caved we would have entered into a destructive relationship that would have ended up hurting our daughter.

I finish the remains of my spaghetti before the doorbell rings and I get up to answer it. I have arranged with Peeta for him to come over tonight and spend some time with Ivy. We haven't really spoken since that night in my bedroom and with my new found realisation about our relationship I am a little nervous about how he is going to react.

However he is standing on the other side of the door with a big smile and a bunch of orange calla lilies in his hands. He's changed out of his work suit and wears a tight fitting sky blue polo and dark jeans. I curse my heart for picking up a little at the sight of him so effortlessly attractive.

He steps forward and places a kiss on my cheek. My skins burns where his lips touch my skin and I raise my hand to rest my fingers against the place he touched.

I eye him warily as he steps away. I am nervous about why he is in such a jovial mood. I sense an ulterior motive.

"For you," he says with a smile as he hands me the flowers.

He knows these are my favourite. Remind me of the flowers Dad used to bring home for Mum. He is reminding me just how well he knows me.

"You look beautiful today," he says sincerely.

I blush as I hold the calla lilies tightly. I have never been good at receiving compliments and while I know I should be staying away from him I can't stop my body betraying my real emotions.

"How's our little girl been today? I've missed her. I hope she hasn't grown too much since I last saw her," he says with a grin.

"She's been fine. A bit fussy but I think that is because she knows you are coming round today," I reply.

Peeta smiles even broader and it makes my heart ache. His love for Ivy is so evident. But an uneasiness fills me at his casual behaviour. I am nervous about what he is going to do.

"I told you that she was going to be a Daddy's girl," he says gently nudging me in the ribs.

I roll my eyes as I begin walking back through to the kitchen to lead him to Ivy. He immediately bends down to scoop Ivy out of Johanna's arms and begins smothering her with kisses. Her whimpers stop immediately and I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he so effortlessly cradles her in his arms while I put the calla lilies in a vase.

Being a father is so natural for him. He was born to be a dad and I can't help but love that about him. Seeing him so obviously adoring Ivy almost makes me forget all his other faults. But not quite.

I don't quite know what game he is playing tonight. He is not acting like we just had a big fight last week and that makes me uneasy. Because that means he has not accepted our problems.

Peeta takes Ivy through to the living room so he can play with her. I stay hiding in the kitchen, clearing away the dishes and trying to distract myself with all the other chores that need doing.

It is always awkward when Peeta comes round to visit. I no longer know how to react around him. I am too scared that he will say or do something to make my resolve crumble and I will fall straight back into his arms. Mostly I stay in another room and let him have some alone time with his daughter.

For the next hour I constantly look at the clock and count down the minutes until he is gone. His presence unnerves me and I find I can no longer relax when he is around. I clean the kitchen spotless as I wait for him to put Ivy to bed and I tap my fingers impatiently on the table top as I wait for him to leave.

Eventually he comes through to get a bottle for Ivy and settle her for bed. He gives me that smile he knows makes me go weak at the knees as he takes the bottle of breast milk out the fridge. I look away quickly and pretend that I am engrossed in an article on my ipad. He sweeps past me on the way out and my body tingles as he lightly brushes his fingers against my shoulder.

Staying away from him is easier said than done.

He comes down 20 minutes later and puts the empty bottle in the sink.

"She's all fed and sleeping like an angel," he says as he leans an elbow against the counter top.

"Thank you," I reply finally looking back at him.

He smiles even wider and bites his bottom lip as if trying to stifle a laugh.

"What?" I demand.

Peeta smiles and shakes his head as he takes a step towards me. I freeze as he reaches out to wipe something of the side of my mouth.

"Nothing," he says. "You just had a bit of tomato sauce on your face."

His thumb gently wipes the sauce away and he leaves his hand resting against the side of my face. His blue eyes, so similar to my daughter's, stare down at me and sparkle with want.

"I hate that I have to go. I miss you both so much when I am away," he says gently rubbing his thumb soothingly across my cheek.

I am paralysed. I can't look away from him. My whole body screams with desire to have him touch me all over. My heart pounds in my chest as he leans his forehead to rest against mine. He takes a deep sigh before speaking again.

"We are so good together Katniss," he says as he leans in to try and kiss me.

This last statement is enough to snap me out of my senses and I jerk my head back and push away from him. Peeta turns to me with a confused look.

"Do you not listen to me? You are at it again. Trying to forget our problems by having sex!" I exclaim running a hand through my hair. "I don't know why I am surprised. You always use sex as a coping mechanism."

"That is not what I am trying to do. I love you. I just want to be with you and Ivy," he says.

I shake my head fiercely.

"No. I meant what I said about us needing to change. We can't be together unless that happens," I reply.

Peeta scoffs.

"That was just a fight we had. I know you didn't mean. I know you love me too," he says.

I let out a scream of frustration.

"You are not listening to me!" I scream. "I am serious about changing. I'm going to therapy to try and fix this fucked up situation we have got ourselves into!"

Peeta laughs. Just like I knew he would when I told him about therapy.

"Our problems aren't that big. You don't need a shrink to tell you everything wrong in your life," he says.

"That's the thing. We have so many wrong things in our lives. I want to try and put them right," I say.

"Well you can't. You can't go back in time and not come to dinner with me that first time. You can't change the fact that we have a daughter together. You can't change telling Madge the truth!" he yells.

I stare at him in disbelief. How can a man that makes my skin tingle and heart flutter also make me want to rip out his heart and stamp on it? No one has ever frustrated me more.

Johanna comes through at this moment and gives Peeta a hard stare.

"Everything alright in here?" she asks looking at me warily.

"Yes. Peeta is just leaving," I reply curtly.

Peeta lets out an annoyed huff but doesn't say anything more. He knows Johanna would probably kick him in the balls if he tried to start anything again.

He storms out the room with a grumbled goodbye before he lets himself out. Johanna turns to me with a questioning look.

"Please tell me you didn't fuck him again?" she asks bluntly.

I let out a small laugh and shake my head. Part of me is proud that I was able to say no to him. But the other part aches for the man I love.

* * *

The weekend arrives and I am looking forward to the arrival of my baby sister. Prim has just finished her 2nd year at Newcastle University where she is studying medicine. I have really missed her these last few months while she has been away studying but she finally has a few weeks holiday and is coming to spend 3 weeks with me and Ivy. It will be the first time she will meet her niece.

She arrives on my doorstep late Friday evening with what seems to be a dozen bags and a humongous smile on her face. She immediately drops everything when she sees Ivy cradled in my arms and sticks her hands out eager to hold her.

"Oh my god! I can't believe how cute she is! She has so much hair! She looks just like the baby pictures we have of you!" Prim exclaims.

I chuckle as all the words rush out of my sister's mouth. Although we are close we have very different personalities. Prim is the definition of a girly girl, often wearing pink and chatting a hundred miles a minute. I know I won't be able to stop her once she gets started.

I welcome Prim and show her into the living room. She sits down on the sofa, cradling Ivy in her arms and offering up her finger for Ivy to suck. Ivy looks up at her with her big blue eyes and eagerly accepts the finger as she begins sucking on it greedily. Johanna sits with her legs curled up underneath her on an old arm chair and she gives Prim a warm smile when she enters.

"Good to see you Squirt. Brainless over here has been giddy about your arrival all week. We have all your favourite foods stocked in the fridge," Johanna says.

Prim smiles at her before she turns to me, gently rocking Ivy in her arms.

"You didn't have to go to any extra trouble for me. I know you must be tired with Ivy and all," she says.

"I'd do anything for one of my favourite people in the world. Even though you have been sadly relegated to second spot since Ivy was born," I say with a grin.

Prim grins at me before turning her attention back to Ivy and stroking her head affectionately.

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for her birth. But placement had just started and I was just so busy I couldn't get away," she says apologetically.

Johanna smirks.

"It's okay. She had Peeta to hold her hand," she says with a sly grin.

Prim turns to me with a confused look. I fire Johanna an accusing look.

"Peeta?" Prim asks curiously.

I haven't told her about Peeta. I have always kept my relationships quiet from her because I have never been a good role model for them. I may have never wanted love and marriage but I do want that for Prim. I want her to have a healthy stable relationship with a man that adores her.

And as things developed with Peeta I didn't want her to judge me for my actions. She has always idolised me slightly and I would hate to disappoint her with my decisions. I was lying to everyone else and it just became easier to lie to her about it too. That way I wouldn't have to deal with her disappointment in me.

She believes that Ivy is the result of a one night stand I had and that I don't know where the father is. Since my affair all came out I have put off telling her the truth. I don't want her opinion to change of me. So I have kept putting it off, telling myself that it is best that I tell her face to face. But now that she is here I know I no longer have any excuses.

Prim continues to stare at me questioningly as I try to find the courage to tell my baby sister that I have been having an affair with a married man.

"Peeta is Ivy's father," I say slowly.

"I knew it! I knew there had to be more to this story than you let on. You are not careless enough to fall pregnant from a one night stand," she says.

She looks excited at the prospect of their being a man in my life. A father for Ivy. She has no idea how screwed up the situation is.

"And he was there for Ivy's birth? That's good," she says. "Tell me more about him. He is handsome? Does he treat you well?"

I take a deep breath before answering. Telling Prim is harder than telling Dr Aurelius. I feel so ashamed about my actions.

"His name is Peeta Mellark. He's 37…" I begin.

Prim raises her eyebrows surprised at just how old he is but she doesn't comment on it for now.

"He's a partner in the office…" I continue.

Yet more surprise is shown on Prim's face. I don't want to see the look on her face when I admit the next thing.

"… and he is married with 4 other kids," I finish.

Prim's eyes and mouth widen in shock.

"Oh Katniss," she says, the disappointment clear in her voice. "Did you know he was married?"

I drop my eyes to my hands and nod my head.

Prim lets out a disappointed sigh.

"I can't believe you've done this. How did it even start?" she asks.

I pick at a thread on the bottom of my shirt. I still can't bring myself to look at her.

"It started a few months after I started at Heavensbee and Coin…" I begin.

"A few months after you first started! Katniss that means it's been going on for 3 years!" she exclaims.

I look up at her and plead with my eyes for her to let me finish this. Admitting the truth is hard and I just need to get it all out there. She can make judgements later.

Prim seems my look and looks back at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry. Go on," she urges.

I take another deep breath before continuing.

"I found him attractive from the first moment I saw him and knowing he was married just made him even more attractive to me. I knew he would never pressurise me into marriage and kids because he already had that and after Gale that's all I wanted. We flirted for a few months. I wore my nicest skirts and then he asked me to dinner one night we were both working late. He invited himself round to my flat after and it all started from there. It carried on until just after Ivy was born and I told his wife," I say.

Prim looks at me disappointed. Ivy makes a little cry and Prim moves her to she is resting against her chest as she rubs circles on her back.

"It gets better Squirt. Wait until you hear how she fell pregnant with Ivy," Johanna pipes up.

I fire her an angry glare. I will tell Prim about Ivy in my own way. Prim turns to me and shakes her head.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this? You have been lying to me for 3 years," she says.

"I just didn't want you to think any less of me. I am suppose to be a good role model for you but I have failed miserably. I am embarrassed," I say.

"So you decide being a good role model is telling me that you fell pregnant after a one night stand? Real classy that," she says.

I shrug my shoulders.

"It was better than the alternative," I say. I pause before asking my next question. "Do you hate me?"

Prim looks at me sadly for a long moment before shaking her head.

"No. You're my big sister. I can never hate you. I just wished that you told me. Maybe then I could have helped you," she says.

I smile at her gratefully and blink back a tear that threatens to fall. I am so relieved that she doesn't hate me. With everything going on with Peeta, I can't have Prim hate me as well.

"You love him," Prim states sadly.

It's not a question. She knows. Just like Madge did. I will fill her in with all the details over the weekend but this knowledge is enough for now. I nod my head.

"And I am paying for it now. My relationship with him is so fucked up. I've even started seeing a therapist to sort myself out," I say.

Prim raises her eyebrows in surprise again. But this time it isn't judgmental surprise, it's a good surprise.

"Wow. Things must be really bad if you are willing to talk to someone. We all know you hate talking about feelings," she says.

Both Johanna and I laugh.

"Just promise me you will never make the same bad decisions as I did," I say.

Prim smiles and laughs and relaxes back against the sofa. Ivy has now fallen asleep and is snoring lightly on her chest.

"Ah no problem there. My boyfriend isn't even married," she jokes.

I turn to look at her in shock now. Since when did she have a boyfriend?

"You have a boyfriend now? I ask.

"Yeah. That was my way of telling you," she replies.

"What's his name? Do I know him?" I demand.

Prim looks at me sheepishly and chews on her bottom lip.

"It's Rory," she admits.

Johanna tries to stifle a laugh and my eyes grow wide in disbelief.

Great. My sister is dating my ex-boyfriend's brother.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am so glad people are enjoying this story. Things are very complicated at the moment and I know Peeta has been frustrating so far but this story is very much about the evolution of Everlark. Thanks to everyone that keeps reading and commenting on it :)**

* * *

Chapter 4

_Peeta_

The dark haired woman stirs from beside me. She lies on her stomach with her arm wrapped around the pillow and in the night the covers have slipped down to reveal her tanned and muscular back. She sighs and pulls the pillow closer to her before once again falling still and remaining asleep.

From the back and in the dark I could almost imagine she is Katniss.

But Katniss never sleeps on her stomach. She curls up in a ball and presses her back against my front. Her skin tone is more olive than the obviously sprayed on golden hue of this girl. Katniss's hair curls at the ends while this woman's is dead straight.

No one is comparable to her.

I'm not really sure what this woman's name is. Clara? Clover? Clove. That's it. I didn't really care about her name when I met her in a club last night. She had long dark hair and slender build. That was all that I was looking for.

She is not the first woman I have brought back home since Madge chucked me out. I need something to fill the emptiness of this house. The quietness sweeps through, eating away at me and causing a feeling of crippling loneliness that threatens to swallow me whole. I need desperately for someone to fill it. It's easy to buy a woman a few expensive cocktails, turn on the charm and whisper things in her ear. To find a warm body to act as a temporary fix for my loneliness.

Clove was practicularly easy. She was basically dry humping me in the club and I brought her home to try to pound away the anger and frustration I have over the woman who continues to reject me. If Katniss doesn't want me at least this woman does.

I stare at Clove for a few moments as I feel hollow inside. What was the point of bringing her home last night? 40 minutes of sexual satisfaction in exchange for feeling even emptier than when I met her in the first place. These trysts are just making me feel worse about myself.

Because no matter how much they resemble Katniss they never fill the hole in my life that she has left.

I miss Katniss. The small things that make her unique. The cute little snort when she finds something unexpectedly funny. The braid she wears when she is particularly stressed about something at work. The way she never takes milk in her tea.

But most of all I miss talking to her. Teasing each other about our respective rugby teams. Hearing about the antics of her little sister and Johanna. Talking to her about the crap from my mother.

But that has all stopped. She is keeping me at a distance.

I turn to get out of bed with a weary sigh. Waking up beside this girl has made my life feel even more hopeless.

I pull on a pair of boxers and run a tired hand through my curls before heading into the kitchen in the hope that caffeine will make me feel better.

The last 6 weeks have been hell. I finally found some time to buy a new house and move out of the hotel. But since I have moved into this Kensington town house I almost wish I had stayed put there. The house is too big for one person. Empty and lifeless. There are no knick knacks or ornaments to make it my own. No screeching children running about as I chase them into bed. No dent in the floorboards from where one of the boys tried to smash his toy drill against it. None of the things that make it a home.

I just can't bring myself to personalise it. That means admitting defeat and admitting this is my life now. Alone in a big empty house with my children and the woman I love living their lives without me.

Neither Katniss nor Madge are on good speaking terms with me. Madge has now moved on to the angry and bitter stage of our separation. She is cordial enough to me in front of the boys but sharp with me when we talk alone. Katniss is still seeing that bloody therapist and says that he tells her she should only talk to me about Ivy. That she needs time away from me. It drives me insane whenever she hangs up on me before I have a chance to start a proper conversation with her.

Mum is still busting my balls about the whole thing as well. 2 days don't go by where she doesn't phone me to berate me for the choices I have made and to tell me that she can't believe she gave birth to a son so stupid and pathetic.

I just can't get a break from any of them.

But the worse thing is how much I miss my kids. I have always prided myself on being a hands on dad, doing their homework with them and changing their nappies. To not be able to do these things is killing me. I get to see them once a week and I speak to the older boys nearly every night on the phone but it is not enough. I miss their unique childhood smell and the shrieks of their laughter. My heart aches with the separation from them. It is a feeling that never fades.

I move into the kitchen and turn on the coffee machine. Maybe a shot of espresso will waken me out of this funk that I have got myself in. The coffee machine whirls into life and I press the right settings to get the drink I want. As I do so Clove enters the kitchen wearing my shirt from last night and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She gives me a sexy smile as she takes a seat at one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

"I would kill for a coffee. I drank way too many mojitos last night. I need caffeine ASAP," she says.

I tense at her words. I want her out of the house as soon as possible. I'm not looking for anything more. I don't want to be making small talk with her over coffee in the morning as she tells me what university she went to and how she ended up in whatever profession she is in. She was just a distraction last night to all my problems.

But I have never been a guy to just chuck a girl out in the morning so I turn to her with a fake smile and ask her what she would like. She grins as she tells me a black coffee would be perfect. I give her another fake smile before I turn round to make it and ponder how long is appropriate enough before I ask her to leave.

I eventually get her out the house with the promise I will call her but know I never will. As I watch her walk down the stone steps, with an empty feeling in my chest, my friend Finnick comes along the street carrying a brown paper bag. He turns his head to look at Clove as she walks past him and he gives me an amused smile after she has hopped into the taxi I ordered for her.

He shakes his head at me when he gets to the top of the steps and gives me a cheeky grin.

"Another one? On the Katniss look alike scale she is definitely an 8. Was she as big a demon as her in the sack?" Finn asks cheekily.

I sigh and shake my head.

"Just give it a rest. I'm not in the mood," I say.

Finnick raises his eyebrows at my tone. Normally I enjoy this type of banter but with everything going on I just can't find it in myself to reciprocate. I am getting enough shit from the women in my life.

Finnick shrugs his shoulders and follows me inside. I lead him through to the kitchen where he puts down the brown bag on the kitchen table and I offer him something to drink. He declines before watching my carefully. A concerned look crosses his face.

I have known Finnick since university. We were in the same rugby team there and immediately hit it off. Finnick is extremely charismatic and has bundles of energy. We are both overachievers and enjoy the networking our respective jobs demand of us. He is a lawyer at one of the big law firms in the city and is famous for his never say die attitude.

He's been there for every major moment in my life over the past 18 years and is as close to me as one of my brothers. At least he has taken my side in this whole mess.

"You don't look great Peet. How are you coping at the moment?" he asks.

"How do you think I am coping? My life is a complete mess! I live alone in this big house. Both Madge and Katniss hardly talk to me and I get to see my kids once a week. I'm just peachy," I say bitterly.

I hate Finnick for asking the question. Isn't it obvious that things are not good in my life? I don't need another reminder of how much I screwed up.

"Don't snap at me. I am one of the only people that are on your side. And Annie is killing me for it. I'm just worried for you and want to help. Don't push me away," he replies.

A key ingredient in my relationship with Finnick is that we never lie to each other. We are not afraid to call each other out on the shit we are pulling. The other is always there to tell us when we step out of line.

I slump down onto a stool next to him. I don't want to fight with him. I can't fight with another person. And I know how much it is costing him to be on my side. His wife, Annie, works on my team at the office. I was actually the one to introduce her to Finnick 6 years ago. But Annie got to know Madge really well at the work parties the office threw and the 2 of them are really good friends. Annie was outraged when she found out about my affair with Katniss and even angrier at the fact Finnick knew about it. She didn't talk to him for a week after it all came out.

"I'm sorry mate. I just hate it. I miss my kids. I miss Katniss and I just wish things were different," I say wearily.

Finnick puts a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

"Maybe you should take a leaf out of Katniss's book and speak to someone about it all. Someone who doesn't know anything about the situation and won't judge you," he suggests.

I scoff.

"You sound just like her. This therapist has really got into her head. I just don't see how talking about it to a stranger is going to help," I reply.

Finnick shrugs his shoulders and moves to the other side of the breakfast bar.

"It might give you a new perspective. They might help you figure out how to get Katniss back," he says.

I shake my head. I don't want another person telling me how to fix my problems. I don't want their help. And I can just imagine my mum's reaction to finding out I am going to therapy. It would just prove to her I am a failure.

I'll figure it out on my own.

* * *

Soon after Finnick and I pull up outside my old house. It's my day with the boys and I asked Finnick to help me out on a trip with them to Lego Land. We get out the car and I bound up the front steps eager to see my boys again.

We hear a commotion behind the door after we ring the doorbell and wait to be let in. I hear Harry shriek and a loud crash as Madge opens the door while bouncing Max up and down on her shoulder to try and soothe him. She barely looks at me before turning around and calling for all the boys.

"Daddy!" Harry exclaims as he comes crashing into my legs.

He wraps his arms tightly around me as I look down at him with a smile and reach down to stroke some of his blond hair back.

"I got a new reading book at school and I can read it all by myself!" he exclaims. "I'm really good ain't I Mummy?"

He looks up at Madge and she gives him a loving smile.

"Yes. Your teacher said you are doing really well with your reading," she says.

She still doesn't look me in the eye.

Harry beams with pride as he begins telling me all about the characters Biff, Chip and Kipper who are the stars of the _Oxford Reading Tree_ books. I already learned all about them when Jamie started to learn to read but I nod my head along enthusiastically pretending I have never heard about any of these characters before.

Harry has just started year 1 and is loving going to school every day. He babbles on about all the different things he has learned when I speak to him on the phone at night. School makes him feel very grown up and now that he has started to learn how to read he likes to act superior over his 2 little brothers. Poor Charlie has to sit through Harry teaching him all the things he has learned at school.

While Harry is talking to me 3 year old Charlie toddles up sucking his thumb. When he reaches me he puts his arms out and I bend down to pick him up. He smiles at me before he rests his head against my shoulder and puts his thumb back in his mouth. I kiss the top of his head as he looks at his older brother as he continues to jabber on and I enjoy the feeling of holding one of my sons in my arms again.

Finnick takes Max off Madge to allow her to get the boys things together. He manages to get Max to stop crying after bouncing him up and down and pretending he is a rocket launching and Madge smiles gratefully at him.

She goes to get all their bags and calls up the stairs for Jamie to come down. Slowly Jamie appears at the top of the stairs and walks down them with his head hung low. I frown at seeing my eldest son so despondent. He has been unusually quiet since I have left and I am a little worried about how all this is affecting him. At 7 years old he is old enough to understand what is going on.

Finnick sees Jamie's forlorn face too and frowns at it before trying to cheer Jamie up.

"Hey Jamie! Excited for Lego Land today? I'll need you to hold my hand on the roller coasters. I find them really scary!" Finnick says trying to make Jamie feel better.

His comment gets a small smile out of my son but he goes over to Madge without saying hello to me. It hurts my heart to see him ignore me.

"Okay Harry. You need to stop talking for a minute. You need to get your shoes and coat on before Daddy can take you to Lego Land," Madge gently tells our son.

He huffs and turns to face her.

"Do I have to wear a coat?" he whines.

"Yes. It's getting cold," she says.

Harry huffs again as he takes the coat off his mother and grumbles about wearing it.

I place Charlie back on the ground to help him put on his own coat and shoes and Madge hands me his bag without looking at me. I sigh at how awkward and stiff things have become between us.

Between Madge, Finnick and I, we get all the boys into their shoes and coats and put their bags on their backs. Madge bends down to hug them all before we leave and kisses the tops of their heads.

"Be good for Daddy. No running away from him or Uncle Finnick," she warns them.

"Yes, Mummy," the 3 eldest boys say in unison.

She smiles at them again and strokes the hair off Charlie's face.

"Have fun okay? I can't wait to hear all about it," she says.

The boys say they will and she gets up to look at me.

"Have them back by 5. I don't want them missing their tea," she says.

"I don't mind taking them for tea," I say.

"I've already bought food in for them," she replies sharply.

I flinch a little at her sharp tone. I just want to spend time with my sons.

"I'll have them back by 5," I say.

I don't want to waste my day with them fighting with her. She nods her head tersely and opens the door to let us out.

Harry immediately runs off to my car with Charlie toddling behind him. I grab the buggy and take it down the steps while Finnick carries Max to the car. Jamie follows quietly behind us.

After a lot of effort and giggling as I tickle the boys and get them strapped in we are all set and I look forward to a day with them.

* * *

We finally arrive at Lego Land after having spent a large amount of the car journey singing at the top of our voices to a Disney CD. It seems Harry has been learning how to dance like a crab at school and he wouldn't stop singing _Under the Sea_ for the majority of the journey. None of us have particularly tuneful singing voices, Finnick in particular sounds like a drowning dog, but I can't keep the smile off my face. I led the charge as the various cheesy Disney classics played out through the stereo and the boys giggled when I began making up the words to the parts I didn't know.

These are the moments I miss most when I am away from them.

At the park we spend the morning pretending to be giants as we walk through the mini lego models of many famous London landmarks. We become mummy busters and discover treasure as we shoot lasers in the Laser Raid ride and Jamie fulfils his promise to hold Finnick's hand as they ride together on the dragon roller coaster together.

Finnick and I take turns to go on the rides while the other looks after Max and Charlie when he is too small for the ride. Harry and Charlie never lose the smiles on their faces as Harry rushes about the park desperate to try everything. Charlie tries to keep up with his older brother but his little legs just aren't long enough so I pick him up and race with him to catch up with Harry.

Jamie is quiet all day. He answers all my questions with one word answers and will only speak more to scold Harry for running away. It concerns me to see my little boy so unlike himself.

In the afternoon we go on a leisurely train ride around the park where Harry makes us all play a very loud game of I spy… Afterwards the boys beg to be taken to the driving school and Finnick and I watch from the sidelines as they keep bumping into the sides as they drive their little electric cars. I hold Max on my hip as he chews on a duck finger puppet and he looks down at his brothers. Charlie waves madly at me as he drives past and I take one of Max's hands to make him wave back at his brother. Not to be out done by his younger brother Harry zooms past and honks his horn loudly as he too waves at us. I smile as I watch my two middle sons have a great time.

Afterwards they all collect their Lego Land driver's licenses and Harry skips his way over to us.

"I can drive a car now Daddy! Can I drive us back to London?" he asks waving the driver's license in my face.

"Maybe when you are a bit older. You can't even reach the pedals," I say grinning at him.

Harry sighs as Jamie comes up holding Charlie's hand. I smile broadly at them both and take their driver's licenses off them for safe keeping. Charlie smiles back at me but Jamie just turns away ignoring me. My heart sinks at his rejection.

Max is sleeping soundly in his buggy and Charlie sticks his arms out wanting to be carried. I bend down to pick him up and he puts his pudgy arms around my neck as I kiss the side of his head. Jamie, being the protective older brother, leans over the buggy to check Max is okay while Harry talks Finnick's ear off about how he is going to be the best racing driver in the whole wide world.

Trying to get my eldest son to open up to me I suggest the next attraction. The one I know is his favourite.

"Shiver me timbers I think it is time we went and found some gold! I've buried some treasure and need some help finding it" I declare putting on my best pirate impression

Charlie giggles at my silly voice and Harry frowns at me

"That's not how pirates speak Daddy. They say Aargghh!" he says matter of factly.

I laugh.

"I'm sorry," I say bending down to his eye level. "Aargghh you ready to pillage some villages and find the lost treasure?"

Harry giggles.

"Aargghh! I want some gold!" he declares while brandishing an imaginary sword.

I grin before patting him on the head and rising back up on my feet. Finnick looks at me with a grin as he watches me being silly with my sons. Harry is soon tugging at his hand desperate to get to the Pirate Goldwash attraction but Jamie still remains silent.

The finding gold is really just panning for fake pieces in some sand and water but Harry and Charlie love it, eagerly showing me every little bit they find. Jamie works silently beside them, helping Charlie fill his sieve with rocks and sand while Harry ends up getting more water on himself than anywhere else.

Finnick and I join in with them as we try to keep Harry from completely soaking himself.

"Thanks for coming with us today. I couldn't have done this without you," I say to Finnick.

"No problem mate. I mean I am Jamie's godfather and any excuse to act like I am 5 years old again. But please don't have any more kids. I don't think we could handle any more!" he replies.

I let out a small laugh but am reminded that although I have 5 kids none of them will be coming home with me tonight. As much as I love these days it makes saying goodbye even harder.

"Yeah. I have 5 kids but not one lives with me," I say bitterly.

"At least you have 5 kids," Finnick replies solemnly.

Immediately I want to slap myself for my words. Finnick and Annie have been trying for kids for the last year but have had no luck. It is incredibly selfish of me to complain about not seeing my kids when Finnick doesn't even have one.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound selfish," I say.

Finnick shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at Jamie showing Charlie the best way to shake the sieve.

"That's the hardest thing about watching you like this right now. You still have 5 kids. Yes, it sucks that you can't see them every day but I would kill to have even just one kid I got to see at the weekends," he says.

I look at him sympathetically.

"Did you go to that doctor yet?" I ask.

I know Annie has been desperate to get tested out but Finnick has been more reluctant. Finnick shakes his head.

"Annie booked an appointment but I just couldn't go. I don't want to be told that I can't do the one thing I was put on this earth to do and give my wife a child," he says.

I look at him sadly. I can't pretend I know what he is going through. Madge and I never had a problem conceiving and I managed to get Katniss pregnant without even trying.

"But at least then you will know. There are so many treatments now that can help you have kids," I say.

Finnick doesn't say anything for a moment before he looks up at me with a smile.

"I'll go to the appointment if you go and talk to someone about all the crap you have got yourself into," he says.

I laugh and shake my head.

"Well played," I reply with a smile.

Finnick smiles back at me as we both try to ignore our problems while Harry comes running up to me.

"Look how big this bit is Daddy!" he exclaims sticking out the gold lump about the size of a table tennis ball.

I take the lump off him to examine it.

"Wow! That's massive! I think you are the winner today!" I exclaim.

Harry grins proudly before rushing off to show his brothers. I turn back to see Finnick still looking at me with a small smile. He's right. I should be thankful that I have 5 healthy children that I get to speak with every night.

At the end they gather up their "gold" and exchange it for a pirate medallion. Harry is very excited to get his and wears it proudly around his neck.

"I'm going to take this into school for show and tell! Everyone is going to want to wear it!" he exclaims.

"You'll have to make sure you share it with everyone," I say.

Harry nods his heads eagerly and Finnick suggests that we go and get ice-cream. Harry and Charlie's eyes perk up at the mention of the frozen treat. Even though it is October the boys never pass up a sweet treat. Finnick takes the two of them to buy the ice-creams leaving me alone with Jamie and Max.

I smile down at Jamie but he just turns away from me and walks to a nearby picnic table. I push Max, in his buggy, over to join his older brother and take a seat opposite Jamie. Max sleeps soundly and I take the opportunity to try and get into my eldest son's head.

Jamie looks down at the wooden table and traces the patterns of the woodgrains with his fingers. I stare at him for a long moment trying to figure out the best thing to say to him.

"I hope you are having fun today. It's been a while since you and I have had an adventure," I say.

Jamie is an incredibly imaginative child and loves to dress up as pirates or wizards or spies and make up stories about them. I would often dress up with him and be his partner in crime as we battled monsters and solved crimes together. I miss that he doesn't include me in his games anymore.

Jamie just shrugs his shoulders and continues to trace patterns on the table.

"That's because you don't live with us anymore," he says.

My heart drops at his words. He says it so simply yet filled with sadness. No 7 year old should sound like that.

"I know," I say. "I wish I could still live with you. But your rooms are nearly finished at my new house. You'll be able to come for sleepovers soon. We can build a new fort together. I really miss you when you are not around."

I try to sound cheery yet earnest. To let him know how much I wish I could still live with him.

"Then when did you have a baby with another lady?" he asks finally bringing his eyes up to look at me.

The look in his blue eyes almost makes me wish he was ignoring me again. His eyes are filled with sadness and confusion and a sense of abandonment. It crushes my heart to know I put that look there.

I don't even know how to begin to explain to him that I no longer love his mother. That I fell in love with someone else. That I didn't mean to have another child.

"It's complicated. Sometimes adults fall in love with people even if they are already in love with someone else," I begin.

"Is that why you left? Because you love the new baby more than us?" he asks.

If I thought his words crushed my heart at the beginning of this conversation this last question totally obliterates it.

Up to this point I thought I had been the best father I could have been. But now I realise how incredibly selfish I have been. I started a relationship with Katniss with no thought or regard of how it was going to affect my sons. I didn't think about them when I was with her and now my sons are paying dearly for my actions.

And I am still hurting them. Sleeping with random women I meet in bars is not good for them. I'm still being selfish and I am not putting their feelings first.

I have made my son feel unloved and unwanted.

I have been a terrible father.

I have made him feel just like my mother made me feel.

I get up and move round to the same side of the table as him and turn him so he is facing me. I force him to look at me and bend my head so I am at his eye level.

"Never think that. I love you all equally. I love you so much. And you are my special boy because I didn't become a dad until you were born. I will always love you. Never doubt that," I say earnestly.

Jamie looks up at me with his sad blue eyes. I can see that he wants to believe me but recent events means he struggles to do so.

"Next time it's just going to be me and you when we go out. I miss our adventures. We can leave your brothers behind and go to the Natural History museum. You love the dinosaurs there," I say.

"Okay," he reluctantly agrees before he turns away from me.

I sit looking at him and feel like the worse person in the world. I need to stop being selfish and put my children first. Random hook ups with woman at bars have to stop. I need to be there for them more. I am going to have to work really hard to make sure Jamie knows that I love him. That I am always going to be there for him.

I don't get time to try and convince him further as Harry comes running up to us with our ice-creams. I turn and smile at him as I thank him for the ice-cream before pulling him up onto my lap. Harry's jabbering fills the silence that has fallen between Jamie and I but I can't help but worry about my oldest son as I watch him eat his ice-cream despondently out of the corner of my eye.

* * *

The youngest 3 boys all fall asleep in the car on the way back to London. It seems all of Harry's running about has finally tired him out and the journey back is a lot quieter affair than the song filled journey to the park.

Madge opens the door to us with a massive grin for the boys as we make our way up the steps. Jamie barely says two words to her before he walks off solemnly to his bedroom. Finnick and I place a sleeping Harry and Charlie onto the large red sofa in the living but Harry immediately wakes up and jumps off it to get his toys. His movements nudge Charlie and he too wakes and soon both boys are squabbling on the carpet over a dinosaur toy.

Madge walks to the car to get Max and puts him down to nap in his bassinet. Finnick says goodbye to Madge and walks back to wait in the car.

Madge and I are left alone. She doesn't look at me as the boys continue to fight over the toy.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" I ask. "Without prying ears."

I gesture my head towards the 2 young boys playing on the carpet.

"If it is quick. I need to get their dinner on," she says sharply.

I nod my head and follow her into the nearby kitchen.

She moves to the opposite end of the room from me and leans back against the sink with her arms crossed.

"Delly heard you left a club last night with another girl. It seems you are still up to your old tricks," she says with disgust.

I let out a bitter laugh.

"Like it's any of your business," I reply.

I don't need to be accused anymore by her.

"I'm still technically your wife," she replies.

I let out a loud exhale and shake my head. I don't want to talk about that. My sons are my priority.

"I didn't come here to argue with you. I'm worried about Jamie," I say. "He doesn't think I love him anymore."

Madge shakes her head.

"What did you expect? You were his hero. He idolised you more than any of them and he's old enough to understand why you left," she replies.

She's right. Jamie and I have always had a special bond. He was always going to be the most affected by our separation.

"Is he like this with you? I hate to think he is this quiet and sad all the time," I say.

Madge nods her head sadly and I can see she is worried about him too. No parent likes to see their child upset.

"The school have noticed it too. They asked me to come in to talk about it," she replies.

"The school are asking about this? Why wasn't I told about it?" I ask a little angrily.

Even if I don't live with them anymore I still want to know what is going on in their lives. I should be told about meetings at their school.

"What's the point? You can't do anything to make it better. You can't go back in time and not fuck the student in your office," she sneers.

It's always a shock to hear Madge swear. It's like a dog meowing. She has always been the good girl next door type. It's been strange seeing this angry and bitter side to her these past few weeks. It is so different from the girl I knew.

"Don't swear. It doesn't suit you," I reply.

"Just like being faithful doesn't suit you," she replies.

I am shocked by the bite behind her words. Madge has never been what I would describe as feisty. She is too eager to please everyone.

We come to some sort of impasse. Charlie and Harry can still be heard rolling about the carpet in the next room. We stand staring at each other intently across the kitchen.

And then I see it. Behind the anger and bitterness there is pain in her eyes. She is still hurting over what I did to her. I have been so caught up in my own shit I haven't considered how she is coping. She has spent so long creating the perfect family life and now her whole life has been turned upside down. She is still desperately trying to keep it all together. She knows she can't afford to break down because it will take her ten times longer to put herself back together again.

I realise I need to stop fighting with her. Our sons are hurting and it is not going to get better unless we put our own bitterness towards each other aside.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I realise that I haven't said it yet and that is pretty crappy of me. I hurt you in the worst way and I need to admit that and apologise for it."

The shock in her eyes when I say this is evident. Of all the things she expected me to say, to actually apologise to her was the last thing she imagined. Her resolve slips for just a second and she has to turn around and try to hide the wipe of a tear away.

She sniffs loudly as she turns back around and dabs at the corner of her eye. She looks up at the ceiling to blink the tears away and shakes her head.

"I never imagined that it would end up like this," she says.

She brings her eyes back down to look at me and I can clearly see the tears swimming there.

"My lawyer got the papers drawn up this week. You should get them next week," she says.

I nod my head sadly. I haven't fought Madge on the divorce. She hasn't asked for anything unreasonable and I don't want to put the boys through anymore pain. I may not love her anymore but it is still sad to know our marriage is about to end. She is the mother of my sons. Part of me will always love her for giving them to me.

Madge looks at me sadly.

"You don't even miss me do you?" she asks.

I don't like to see the pain in her eyes. Everywhere I turn I see more examples of the pain and hurt I have caused.

I bend my head down to avoid answering the question. Because the truth is that I don't. My mind doesn't linger on what she might me doing. It doesn't crave the feel of her skin under my finger tips. Not like the way I long for Katniss.

"Why did you even do it? And not just with her but with all the girls. You loved me at one point. When did you stop?" she asks.

I look at her sadly. I don't even know if I know the answer to that question.

Madge and I met in the second year of uni at a flat party. I was intrigued by her quiet confidence and incredible intelligence. In the early days I hung on to every word she said about the books she had read and her thoughts on the world. I fell in love with her interesting opinions and ability to make me see the world a different way.

She came from the right background and had a lot of the same interests and values. She was well brought up and polite and smart. All values my mother loved. I always knew I would marry her.

The first few times I cheated on her it was while I was drunk and reckless. They were only one night stands to begin with and I always woke up guilt ridden the morning after. I just found it hard to turn a girl down who showed interest in me. I didn't do it to hurt Madge.

But then things changed. I had my first proper affair the year after we were married. It lasted 3 months and I had a further 2 before Katniss came along.

Madge changed after we got married. Her mission to become the perfect housewife overcame her desire to relax and have fun with me. We spent less time together as she began to spend more time with my mum and she would often rebuff my advances unless we were trying to conceive. At some point along the way I just stopped feeling guilty about what I was doing behind her back.

"I don't really know. The first few times I was really drunk and then after it just became easy. It was easy to go to a bar, flash a girl a smile and take her home. It was nice to feel wanted," I reply.

"I wanted you," Madge says.

"For whatever reason it wasn't enough," I state.

Madge looks down at her shoes and nods her head. I don't know how to make things better for her. I don't know how to make things better for my kids. I don't know how to make things better for myself.

I have never felt so useless.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks for your continued patience with this story. I promise things will get better :)**

* * *

Chapter 5

_Katniss_

"How did you do with the homework assignment I set you?" Dr Aurelius asks.

I look down at the crumpled bit of paper in my hand. At my last session Dr Aurelius had asked me to write a list of all the reasons I love Peeta. There are about 10 things on the list but none of them seem good enough.

This homework task has proven to be a lot harder than I anticipated. The first four things on my list include that he is charming, intelligent, good in bed and confident. But these things are all shallow. They don't seem good enough reasons to fall in love with someone.

I huff as I crunch the bit of paper up in my hand. I have never let myself feel the things I did before him. The counting down the minutes until I could see him again. The contentment of lying in his arms. Even casting aside my rock solid views and having a child with him. There must be some other reason why I let myself fall for him.

The alternative is to admit that I didn't love him at all and it was all just lust and that just makes me an even worse person.

We've talked a lot about Peeta these last few months. I come and see Dr Aurelius once a week and he has been great at getting me to look at my past and the incidents that have shaped my relationships today. Most of actions can be linked back to my mother and how she emotionally broke down when my father died. At that moment I made a promise to myself that I would never let myself feel that way about someone. To love someone so much it would break me if they were gone. I saw love as a weakness and it hindered all my relationships with men. But there was something about Peeta that made me change my mind about this. Something that made me forget all this and fall in love with him. It frustrates me that I can't figure out what it is.

"I just can't figure out what made him different," I sigh. "Gale was handsome and smart and my best friend but I couldn't make myself fall in love with him. I just don't know what Peeta did to make me fall in love with him."

Dr Aurelius sits across from me with one leg crossed over his knee. He has his notepad in his hand and he nods his head as he listens to me. He thinks it is important for me to try and unpick why I fell in love Peeta to try and get a better understanding of what motivated my bad decisions. It has been driving me insane trying to figure it out. I feel like I can't move forward until I have solved this riddle.

"Maybe it is not something he did. Maybe it was something about him. Read me out your list," Dr Aurelius says.

I let out a heavy sigh as I un-scrunch the bit of paper and read out the pathetic reasons I came up with. Dr Aurelius listens carefully as he lets me finish before speaking.

"Those things are a good starting point. They tell me why you found him attractive. But you are right to say there must have been something else that made you fall in love with him. Describe to me what it felt like to be with him," he says.

I let out another sigh as I try to articulate what it was like to be with Peeta. I have never been good at expressing my emotions and I often get frustrated at myself during these sessions as I can't quite convey exactly what I mean.

"It was just easy," I say. "I never had to pretend with him. I guess with every other boyfriend part of me was always acting. Acting the girlfriend. Acting that I cared for them more than I did. I never had to do that with Peeta."

"Why?" Dr Aurelius asks.

"Because he never expected me to act like that. He didn't want me to act like girlfriend. It was just sex at the start. And then later when it was more I knew he would never judge me for my fucked up emotions because he was equally fucked up. I didn't need to pretend to be perfect because he was just as fucked up at me," I say.

Dr Aurelius gives me a small smile.

"I think you have just cracked it," he says.

I realise he is right. I fell in love with Peeta because he is as emotionally fucked up as me. We both have issues with our mothers. With both have issues with intimacy and love. It is this commonality that allowed me to truly be myself around him and allowed me to open up to him in a way I have never done with anyone else.

I smile sadly at Dr Aurelius. This realisation makes me understand that our relationship was fucked from the start. 2 emotionally fucked up people can't build a stable life together.

Dr Aurelius gives me a sympathetic smile in return.

"That's a big step you've made today. We can work with this to help you understand your decisions better and to help you avoid making them again in the future," he says.

I nod my head in understanding as I look down at my hands. I thought this revelation would feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders but it only makes me sad. I couldn't fall in love for the conventional reasons and my life is a mess because of it.

Dr Aurelius has one last question for me before I leave.

"I want to give you something to think about over the next week. You've admitted you love Peeta because he is as emotionally screwed up as you and now we are trying to make you a better person. A person who is good. Will you still love Peeta if you achieve your goal and he is still the same messed up person as before?"

* * *

Will I still love Peeta if I become a better person? The question runs through my head all the way out of the therapy office and on my way to pick up Ivy from the childminders.

He has been frustratingly inconsistent these last couple of months. The good things are that he's trying hard to be a good parent for all his children and putting them first. They are his primary concern and I know he has all but abandoned any social life so he can spend as much time as possible with all of them.

He hasn't made a pass at me for 3 months. There are times when he seems to respect my boundaries and I can converse with him without fear he is going to try anything. But there are other times he comes round and he slips into his old self. I don't think he quite realises he is doing it but there are times I get the hint of an ulterior motive when he is round visiting. One to get me to back to him. I get glimpses of him trying to sort his life out but he still isn't reliable enough yet.

It is made even more frustrating due to the fact I can't move on from him. We haven't been together for 6 months but it's hard when I see how good he is with Ivy and my body breaks out in goosebumps whenever he is near. I keep him at a distance. Try to not engage in any conversations that aren't about Ivy. But there are times when it is so easy to slip into easy conversation and share a small laugh with him.

I still love him.

I miss talking to him about rugby or my day. Miss having him hold me. Miss his crappy jokes. Every time I look into Ivy's cerulean blue eyes my heart aches for the person that she inherited them from.

I guess even though I want to be a better person part of me wants to be that better person with him. But Dr Aurelius is right. Can I still love him if he is refuses to change? And what if he does and we lose the one major thing we have in common?

I don't want to have to think about it. For probably all the wrong reasons I am reluctant to let him go.

After I pick Ivy up from the childminders I take her to a nearby café and order myself a bit of chocolate fudge cake to try and cheer myself up. I push Ivy's buggy into the quaint little café as she flaps her arms in the air and chews the head of one of her 3 little pigs finger puppets. The cold January air is crisp outside and I immediately sigh at the warmth of the cosy café as we step inside. I push the buggy towards the till and make my order.

As I am waiting I hear the bell of the door behind me and pull my red coat closer round my body as a burst of cold air is brought in through the door. I hear a man behind me rub his hands together and blow on them to try and warm himself up but I sense him freeze behind me and I peek round to catch a glimpse of him.

"So it's true. You had a kid," the man says.

I am shocked to be met with the familiar sight of the grey eyes and tall frame of my ex-boyfriend. I haven't seen him in 3 and a half years but he is still as handsome as when we graduated. He wears a fitted navy coat over a charcoal grey suit and his dark hair is effortlessly styled. A thin layer of scruff covers his jaw and he looks at me in disbelief.

"Yep. I had the stitches to prove it," I say before pausing for a moment. "How are you Gale?"

He shakes his head in disbelief at seeing me with Ivy. Ivy makes some gurgling noise as she takes the pig toy out of her month and leaves a trail of spit hanging between her and her toy. I bend down quickly to rub her face clean. Gale is still looking at me in disbelief when I stand again.

"I'm good. I'm working as an engineer for British Airways now. It's good work. But what about you? I guess I really didn't believe it when Rory said you had a kid. Katniss Everdeen, mother, doesn't really sound right," he says.

There is a hard edge to his voice that makes me cringe. Through my sessions with Dr Aurelius I have realised just how badly I treated my ex-boyfriends. Gale most of all. He was extremely angry and bitter when I broke up with him the summer we graduated from university.

I know I should apologise to him about it all but I don't want to do it standing in a queue in a café.

"How about I buy you a coffee and we can catch up. We both probably have things we want to say to each other," I say.

Gale raises his eyebrows in surprise. He knows that I don't normally like talking about emotions but he shrugs his shoulders and accepts my offer.

I order the coffees and find a table in the corner with 2 large sofas. I park Ivy's buggy and unbuckle her to pull her into my lap. She smiles at me and waves the pig toy in my face as I sit her on my knee and pull a silly face at her. Gale watches on stunned.

"What's her name?" he asks.

"Ivy," I reply with a smile. "She is six months old and is very wriggly aren't you?"

To prove my point Ivy wriggles forward on my knee to try and grab a napkin on the table.

Gale shakes his head in disbelief.

"You were so dead set against having any kids. What the hell changed your mind?" he asks.

I pull Ivy back against my chest and kiss the top of her head. I don't really want to admit to Gale that I fell pregnant to hurt her father. He already has a low enough opinion of me as it is but I know from talking with Dr Aurelius that I need to be more honest if I am going to achieve my goal of being a better person.

"I wish I could tell you it is some really romantic story where I met a guy that wooed me and convinced me that love and children were good things not bad but that is just not true. I have a complicated relationship with her father," I say.

"Rory told me he was married. That he is your boss. That is screwed up Katniss," he replies.

I nod my head as I pull Ivy in closer to me. I know I fucked up but it is still hard to hear other people accuse me of it.

"I know. And I fell pregnant to hurt him after his own wife fell pregnant. I hate that I can't give Ivy a better story for how she was created," I say.

Gale's eyes soften then. He sees my shame over this fact.

"But you love him," he says. He looks down disheartened. "He managed to do what I could not. I always consoled myself with the fact that it wasn't personal. That you couldn't fall in love with anyone. But now I realise that it was that you just couldn't fall in love with _me_."

Gale hangs his head low. In the last couple of months I have truly realised how much I hurt him with our break up. We had known each other forever. We were best friends all through primary and secondary school. We had gone on camping adventures with the Scouts together. Stood at the sidelines of freezing rugby pitches as we cheered our team on. Snuck out to concerts together when our parents weren't looking. Everyone expected us to be together.

But I didn't want that. I just wanted some good sex. And Gale knew what he was doing in that department. I made it clear I didn't want anything more and he agreed but deep down I knew he was lying. I shouldn't have been surprised that he asked me to move in with him after graduation. Although he never said the words to me I knew he loved me. But I didn't care. I was selfish and used him for my own needs and then blamed him for wanting more.

"I'm sorry. About everything. How I treated you back then. I was heartless. I knew how you felt about me and it was harsh of me to blame you for something like that," I say.

Gale looks up and smiles sadly at me.

"You were a bitch," he says but there is smile in his voice.

I allow myself a small smile as I try to stop Ivy from crawling off my lap.

"Yeah I was. I'm sorry," I say.

Gale nods his head.

"I appreciate that. In hindsight we probably weren't a good idea. Too similar. Too much fire in the relationship. But it still hurt like hell when you dumped me," he says.

There is a slight pause and the waitress comes over with the coffees. I have to readjust Ivy on my lap so I can reach forward and grab my cup. We both take a quiet sip before putting our cups back down.

"So tell me. What did he do to make you change your mind? About falling in love?" Gale asks.

I take a deep breath. My new found realisation about why I fell in love with Peeta has done nothing to make me feel better.

"I started sleeping with because he was married. I knew he wouldn't expect certain things from me but once we started doing it I realised he was just as emotionally fucked up as me and I unwittingly fell for him," I say.

"That's kind of sad," Gale replies.

"Yeah," I say leaning down to place a kiss on Ivy's head.

There is a slightly awkward pause as neither of us know what to say next. Gale doesn't want to hear all my issues with Peeta and he is the last person I want to share it all with.

After a moment Gale clears his throat and I look back up at him.

"It's a good thing Prim doesn't take after your dating example. Can you believe she and Rory have been going out for 8 months?" Gale says trying to lighten the mood.

He is smiling at me and it allows me to relax. He really does appreciate my apology. He's found the closure he was looking for in our relationship. I smile back at him.

"I know! She didn't tell me for the first 2 months. But they are one those couples. The ones that finish each other sentences and order dishes because they know the other will like the green beans," I say.

Gale chuckles.

"Yeah. Rory is definitely more into the PDA's than I am. Do you know I caught them going at it on the kitchen table at my parents' house?" he says.

"Urgh! I did not need to know that. I thought I raised her better than that!" I exclaim.

Gale laughs and I delight in the fact the weirdness between us is gone. Joking about Rory and Prim almost makes it feel like it was before I screwed our relationship up with sex.

"You should come to his 21st birthday party this weekend. I know Prim is coming down for it and it would be good to catch up properly," he says.

I smile at him. Catching up with him properly does sound good. I have alienated so many of my friends recently it would be good to try and make amends with someone I thought I had lost for good.

"It would be nice. I start my new job on Monday so it would give me a reason to go out and celebrate," I say.

"New job?" Gale asks with his eyebrows raised.

I laugh.

"I can't exactly go back to Heavensbee and Coin. It's a bit awkward in the staffroom," I say.

Gale nods his head.

"Well if you can find a babysitter it would be great to see you there," he says.

I smile again.

"I'll definitely think about it," I reply.

Gale smiles and finishes the last of his coffee. He thanks me for it and says he needs to get back to work. I tell him it was good to see him and we part with a smile.

Ivy is still squirming in my lap and I pick up the pig toy she has discarded to wave it in her face. I feel really good after my talk with Gale. I feel like I have finally put something right in my life. It may only be a small step but it gives me the confidence that I can sort the rest out too.

* * *

I decide to go to Rory's birthday party. I can count the number of evenings I have had out since Ivy was born on one hand and both Johanna and Prim convince me I should take advantage of the fact Peeta is willing to drop almost everything to look after Ivy.

Prim has planned most of the party herself and is unbelievably excited about the up and coming DJ and professional cocktail makers she has booked. She may have only arrived down from Newcastle last night but she won't stop talking about how this is going to be best and classiest 21st birthday party there has ever been. And part of me is dying to have a night away from singing nursery rhymes to Ivy even if the other part feels incredibly guilty for leaving my daughter behind so I can go out and have fun. But with my new job starting on Monday I know life is only going to get more hectic.

I even let Prim drag me out and take me shopping for a new dress for the party. None of my old clothes really fit right since I have had Ivy and the vain part of me wants to still look good even though I have a baby. I step into the sunset orange dress that falls to mid thigh and nips in at the waist emphasising my post pregnancy curves. I pull the slim straps up over my shoulders and move my arm round to try and pull up the zip. However I can't quite reach the top and I huff in frustration as I realise I won't be able to zip myself up. I clutch the front of the dress to stop it from falling down before I leave my bedroom in search of Johanna.

I stomp into the kitchen expecting Johanna to be there making pre-party drinks. I don't look as I go in and sweep my long dark hair aside to allow Johanna easier access to my zip.

"Will you zip me up?" I say to the person in the room. "I should probably take Prim's advice and take up yoga. I could do with being a bit more flexible."

"You know I never had a problem with your flexibility," a male voice replies.

I freeze as I turn and bring my eyes up to look properly at the person in the room. Peeta sits behind the kitchen counter with Ivy in his arms and a smile on his lips. I feel the flush rise in my cheek as my embarrassment over his comment washes over me. I avert my eyes away from him and hug the dress closer to my body. I suddenly become self-conscious under his stare.

"I thought Johanna was in here. Do you know where she is?" I ask still not looking at him directly.

"She just went to the toilet," he replies. "But I can help you out."

I turn my eyes back to him. He had jumped at the chance to babysit Ivy tonight and he has already spent an hour smiling and playing and doting on her. I can't fault him for the father he is to Ivy and it makes it all the more harder to deny my feelings for him. It is impossible to fall out of love with him when I see him rolling about the carpet with her, making silly animal noises and tickling her tummy to make her giggle.

It's been a good night for him. He hasn't tried to play any games today and has been perfectly polite in his conversation with me. We were even able to share a joke about our respective rugby teams and laugh as Ivy tried to crawl about the room. It has been nice and normal and I wish ever night could be like this.

If he only he could be half as a reliable boyfriend as he is a father.

Ivy sits squirming in his lap. She smiles at me showing off her new baby teeth. She gurgles as she drops the brightly coloured red block onto the counter top. It makes a clanging noise and she giggles in delight at the sound before picking up the block again and repeating the action.

Peeta holds my gaze for a moment before dropping his eyes and kissing the top of her head. He gently takes the block off her and she whimpers as he puts the block out of reach. He just holds her close and kisses her again as he gets up and puts her in her high chair.

"You need to go to bed soon, Bug. We can play with your blocks tomorrow. But first I need to help Mummy with her dress."

I watch him warily as he places yet another kiss on Ivy's head before making his way over to me. He stops in front of me and looks at me with soft eyes.

"Turn around," he states softly.

The gentle tone of voice sends a shiver up my spine and I do as he says only to hide the effect he has on me. I pull my hair to the side and hold my breath as I wait for him to zip me up. He hasn't touched me since that night shortly after Ivy was born and I told him we were too fucked up to be together and my body is responding as a result.

Slowly he reaches down and grabs hold of the zip. I can smell the familiar scent of cinnamon and dill in his aftershave. The smell and feel of him so close to me makes the hairs on the end of my arms to stand on end. Steadily he pulls the zip up and locks it in place.

My heart hammers in my chest as a gentle hand sweeps the tops of my shoulders and runs up the side of my neck. A thousand memories resurface as I remember the many situations he has had me in the same position. My heart thumping and my body humming with the need to feel his touch. It takes all my will power to not cave and sink back into him.

He steps away from me and I pull my hair back round so it hangs in loose waves down my back. I bring my eyes back up to look at him and am met with a soft look. He raises his hand as if to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear but he hesitates. His hand hangs in the air for a few moments. In two minds whether he is allowed to touch me or not. Eventually he puts his hand back down and stuffs it in his pocket.

"You know orange is my favourite colour?" he says looking back at me.

I realise that I do know that. That he told me on one of our rare trips away together and while we lay in bed watching the sun disappear. I hadn't thought about it when I bought the dress today. I just loved the colour when I saw it. But maybe there was part of my subconscious that liked the colour because I knew he would. I shake my head to try and rid the thought. I didn't dress for him.

Ivy breaks the tension with the clamour of her hands banging against her chair. My eyes snap towards her and I move to her and away from Peeta. I pick her out of the chair and she babbles at me as I stroke the top of her head.

"Yes we can hear you Bug. But if you keep making that noise Daddy won't read you a story," I say.

Ivy smiles at me and grabs a handful of my hair. Peeta once again moves to my side so he can bend down to look Ivy in the eye.

"If you are really good I may even sing to you," he says.

I snort and Peeta raises his eyebrows at me.

"What's so funny about that?" he asks with a smile.

I smile and shake my head.

"People would pay you to stop singing, not hear it. Or have you forgotten the karaoke at the office party last summer?" I say.

Peeta and I share a smile at the memory of his rather tragic rendition of Cher's _Believe_.

"Well we can't all be as naturally talented as you," Peeta says with a playful smile.

"For all our ears' shake let's hope Ivy inherits my singing voice then. The world doesn't need another tone death person who sounds like a drowning cat," I reply.

I flash Peeta a grin as Ivy begins chewing some of my hair. Peeta grins broadly back at me and for a moment we are stuck in this peaceful moment together, both of us staring warmly at each other, neither of us wanting to look away. These are the glimpses that show me that Peeta might not be lost to me forever.

"I bloody hope I am not interrupting anything," Johanna voice suddenly carries through the doorway.

Peeta and I both turn and see an unamused Johanna wearing a sort leather skirt and white blouse. She has her arms crossed against her chest and her eyes look at Peeta with disgust.

Peeta doesn't let this phase him and turns to pick Ivy out my arms.

"I think it is time for that story Little One," he says as he makes a move out of the room. "Have a good night Johanna."

She narrows her eyes at him as she watches him leave. Just as Peeta is about to make his way up the stairs he turns to look at me one last time. His eyes soften again.

"You look beautiful tonight Katniss. I hope you have a good night," he says sincerely.

My heart clenches at his words. It's moment like this when I get glimpses of the man he could be. The man who would encourage me to go out and let my hair down but would be waiting at the end of the night for me with a loving smile and comforting arms. Not a man trying to wrestle control of our relationship.

He gives me a soft smile before turning to take Ivy up the stairs. I watch him his entire ascent of the stairs until I can no longer see him through the gloom on the first floor. When I turn back round to face Johanna she shakes her head at me.

"Don't even think about it Katniss. One night when he doesn't try to play games with you is not enough to prove he has changed," she says.

I sigh as I pick up my bag.

"I know," I say as I move closer to her. "I don't want to talk about him tonight. I do enough of that with Dr Aurelius. I just want to go out, have a good time with my sister and celebrate the start of this new job,"

Johanna smiles.

"I'm glad to hear it," Johanna says. "Come on Brainless. Grab your coat and let's show those 21 years old how it is really done."

* * *

The party is in full swing by the time we get there. Prim hired out a room in a trendy London bar and the DJ already has quite a few people dancing to his mix of R n' B and dance tunes. The professional cocktail makers have amassed a big group of 21 year old girls as they throw and twirl the shakers in the air while giving the girls cheeky winks.

I can see Rory joking with Gale and showing him some goofy dance move. Prim shrieks when she sees Johanna and I enter. She scurries her way over to us and throws her arms around my neck. I stumble backwards a little at the force of her embrace and she giggles into my shoulder. Johanna gives me a knowing look.

"You made it! You need to try the raspberry blast cocktails! I've had 4 already!" she exclaims.

I sigh and shake my head as she releases me and has to stick her hands out to balance herself.

Johanna smirks at the sight.

"Good to see an appearance of drunk Prim tonight. You always spill some of Katniss's dirty secrets," Johanna says with a grin.

Prim giggles again and lets out a little hiccough.

"Do you know Aunt Effie caught Katniss and Gale going at it on top of the washing machine? Apparently the vibrations add a whole other sensation to it!" Prim squeals.

"Prim!" I scold.

Johanna grins before slinging an arm around Prim's shoulder

"Okay Squirt. You and I are going to have a great night swapping stories about your sister. Did you know she got Peeta off while he was on a conference call?" Johanna says.

Prim's eyes widen and she gasps.

"No!" she says. "Was it oral or a just a hand job?"

I hide my head in my hands. This is the last conversation I want to have with my baby sister. Johanna chuckles.

"Buy me a cocktail and I will tell you all the sordid details," she says with a smile before steering Prim to the bar.

I am left alone with only the hope that Prim will be too drunk to remember this tomorrow.

Shortly after they both leave Gale catches my eye and smiles before making his way over to me. I greet him with a warm smile and he lets out a low whistle as he looks me up and down.

"I wish you didn't look so hot. There is no way you had a baby six months ago," he says with a grin.

I laugh.

"You don't look bad yourself. Though I can't quite get used to you with a bit of scruff," I reply.

Gale smiles and rubs a hand over the short dark hairs that grow over his cheek and jaw.

"Yeah. I grew it out for Movember and when the month ended I couldn't be bothered to shave it off," he says.

I shake my head.

"Men are so lazy," I say with a smile.

Gale grins too before taking a sip out of the bottle of beer he is holding.

"I thought Johanna was coming too," Gale says.

"She's here but she is off with Prim finding out all the details about the time Effie caught us on the washing machine," I say.

Gale lets out a loud laugh.

"Oh man! I totally forgot about that! Though the importance of abstinence lecture afterwards is permantely etched into my mind. She had a powerpoint presentation and everything!" Gale exclaims.

I shake my head.

"It wasn't even like we were some dumb teenagers! We were 21 for Christ's sake!" I reply. "And she made us pay for a new washing machine. Said we had tainted the old one!"

Gale laughs again.

"I miss Effie. Do you remember that time we managed to convince her she heard us doing yoga in your bedroom and not you doing down on me," he says with a smile.

"And that time we tried to take her fishing? That blonde wig has been lost to the depths of that lake forever," I reply.

Gale laughs again as he nods his head.

I suddenly realise just what I lost when I broke his heart. So many of my good memories involve him. My cold heartedness cost me my best friend.

"I miss us," I admit honestly.

The laughter in Gale's eyes disappears and his eyebrows knit together into a frown.

"Not us as a couple. But us as best friends. We had a lot of fun together," I say.

Gale nods his head.

"Yeah. I have never met someone with the same sense of mischief as me. I'd like that back," he says.

"Can you be friends me after everything I did to you?" I ask a little nervously.

Gale grins.

"You are not that hard to get over," he says nudging my shoulder. I laugh. "You've already apologised. Let this be a fresh start for us both."

"Okay," I say. "Now let me buy you a drink so we can toast to being friends again."

Gale laughs.

"Well if you are buying," he says.

I smile and the two of us push our way over to the bar. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Gale and I spend nearly an hour catching up and reliving old memories. He tells me about how he is training for his pilot license and although not seeing anyone at the moment, Cressida, the head of PR at British Airways, has caught his eye. He tells me how much he hates his 12-year old sister's obsession with One Direction but this hasn't stopped him from offering to take her to their concert in a month's time. He tells me he still plays rugby at the weekends and how he ended up breaking a an one hundred year old clock at the team Christmas party. He sounds very much like the friend I had before I messed everything up.

Eventually the demands of the other party guests pull him away from him and I am left alone at the bar momentarily before Johanna stumbles her way towards me and orders a bottle of Prosecco.

"Drunk Prim definitely likes to talk," she says with a wicked smile. "I can't believe you told her that your vibrator was a foot massager! That's priceless!"

I sigh and shake my head as the bartender brings over the bottle of Prosecco and pours us two glasses.

"She was 14. I didn't want to scare her," I say.

Johanna shakes her head.

"Pathetic attempt Brainless," she replies as she pulls her own glass towards her and raises it in the air.

"Well you may be a dirty perv but you are finally getting your shit together. Let's celebrate the new start in your life," Johanna replies.

I smile and raise my own glass to meet hers. We clink them together and say cheers before taking a sip of the bubbly mixture.

I put my glass back down and rest my elbow against the bar as I take a moment to savour the mini-breakthroughs I have had this week. However I am interrupted by a man clearing his throat from behind me.

"What are you lovely ladies celebrating?" the man asks.

Both Johanna and I turn to look at this stranger. He must be a few years old than us. Maybe 28 and has slightly mussed red hair. His build is solid but not muscly with hazel eyes. He has a cheeky grin that hints at a cheeky chappy persona.

Johanna smiles at him before leaning back against the bar to get a proper look at him.

"My friend here starts a new job on Monday. We are celebrating her getting out of that toxic office she was in before," she replies.

I turn to her with a hard glare. I have no idea who this guy is and don't really want to engage in conversation with him.

The man just smiles broader and gets up off his stool to come closer to us.

"Congratulations. I wish you the very best success. But what was so bad about your last job?" he asks.

I stare at him for a long moment, swithering whether to answer him or not. I am not looking for a guy in my life at the moment. But at the same time I don't think he is going anywhere anytime soon and Dr Aurelius has told me I need to be more honest with people.

"I had an affair with my boss. Made things a bit awkward around the coffee machine," I reply.

The man raises his eyebrows in surprise but doesn't make a move to leave. In fact he leans his elbow against the bar to get a better look at me.

"I had a similar problem. I can't look my old and balding detective in the eye after I mistakenly and drunkenly kissed him under the mistletoe at the work Christmas party. It hurt when he didn't return my advances," the man jokes.

This comment even manages to get my lips to quirk in an upward moment. Johanna sees this and gets a gleam in her eye. She is clearly sensing a set up.

"I'm Darius by the way and be prepared to be wowed by my amazing wit and funny anecdotes about the ineptness of the London Police force," he says with a grin.

"You think a lot of yourself," I say turning to take a sip of my drink to hide the smile on my mouth. There is something annoyingly likeable about this man.

"Come on. You know you want to hear the story about the policeman who tried to arrest a cat for soiling a famous London landmark," he says leaning in closer to me.

"What?" I exclaim.

"Nope. Not going to tell you unless you tell me your name," he says leaning back against the bar again.

I sigh and shake my head.

"I'm Katniss. Now can I hear the cat story?" I concede.

He smiles broader.

"Nice to meet you Katniss. Now where to begin with the cat story…" he says.

For the next 30 minutes Darius keeps Johanna and I entertained about the various mishaps of the police force and the pranks he and his partner play on their old Detective Cray. I was right about him being a cheeky chappy and his smile never wavers throughout as he tells me story after amusing story. I even tell him some of my own amusing stories about my ex-senior partner Mr Abernathy who once mistook a plant for a client and proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation with it about audits and dividends.

He keeps his eyes on me most of the time he talks and I can see him subtly trying to appraise my body. I try not to squirm under his stare.

As he finishes his latest story I sense a question on his lips. I shift about on my feet unsure how to let him down gently. I look at my watch and see that it is getting late.

"I need to get going," I say apologetically.

I may not want anything to happen with this guy but it was nice to chat to someone who didn't know me and judge me for my decisions.

"The night is still young. There can't be another place you have to be," he says.

"More someone," I reply.

His smile falters for a minute as he thinks I have a boyfriend.

"Husband? Boyfriend?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"No," I say without expanding.

I see Johanna roll her eyes from beside me. Darius perks up again and leans in closer to me. He smells of apples and charred wood.

"Well then give me your number and I can take you out again sometime," he says.

"You don't want to date me," I say.

"Sure I do. Your smart, laugh at my jokes and in that dress are the most beautiful girl in here. No offense," he says looking back at Johanna.

I turn to look at her and she smiles and shakes her head.

"None taken," she replies.

I look back at Darius.

"I'm complicated. That someone I need to get home to is my 6 month old daughter. Her father is that boss I told you I slept with. Oh and did I mention he is still married and has 4 other kids," I say.

Shock registers on his features but he still doesn't make his excuses and leave. I hear Johanna sigh behind me and she comes up behind me and plucks his phone out of his pocket.

"Here. I'll give you her number and mine too just in case she is too much of a pussy to call you back," Johanna says typing furiously into his phone.

Darius smiles as he watches her type in my number before handing it back to him.

"We'll see you around Darius," she says as she hands it back.

He smiles broadly at her as he stuffs the phone back in his pocket. He turns to me again and gives me a smile that shows off his slightly crooked bottom teeth.

"I look forward to seeing you again Katniss," he says before stepping back and giving me a wave goodbye.

I turn round to Johanna with an angry stare.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I demand.

Johanna has a triumphant glint in her eye.

"Why not give him your number Katniss? He's funny, down to earth and reasonably attractive. Didn't seem put off by the fact you have a kid. He's exactly the type of guy you should go out with," she says.

"I can't go out with him!" I sigh frustrated.

"Why? Because of Ivy? Or worse Peeta? It's been six months Katniss. You can't stop your life in the hope that one day he is going to see the light and be the boyfriend you want him to be. You need to move on," Johanna says.

"It's more complicated than that," I say.

The thought of casting Peeta aside makes my heart ache.

Johanna sighs and shakes her head again.

"Whatever you say. I'm coming home with you tonight to make sure you don't do anything stupid wit him when we get in," she says.

I huff, still not happy with her comments but want to get back to my baby. There is no point trying to make her see my point of view. She is just as stubborn as me.

We don't talk a lot on the taxi ride home. I'm still pissed at her for giving my number to Darius. She goes off to her room with only the briefest goodnight. I head up to Ivy's room to see if she is sleeping alright. I am a little confused when I come in and don't find Peeta in the living room. As I make my way upstairs I wonder where he is.

I find him in Ivy's room. He is asleep on the pull out bed in her room with a protective arm around her. She must have woken earlier and they fell asleep together when he went to comfort her.

I take a step closer to them and reach out to stroke a curl out of Ivy's face. They both look so peaceful together. Ivy has a hand wrapped tightly around one of Peeta's fingers as she snores lightly.

The sight does funny things to my heart. A pang of guilt hits me. I feel like I have betrayed them both in some way by talking to Darius tonight.

They are so comfortable together. It is clear they both love each other. I almost wish they didn't wake up so I didn't have to deal with all the issues Peeta and I still have.

Because Johanna is right about one thing. I still hold onto a hope that Peeta will change. Scenes like this one give me glimpses of the life we could have if he sorted himself out.

I look at them both for a long time before leaning down and gently placing a kiss on each of their heads. I pull back and take one last look at them both.

"Why can't you get your shit together?" I whisper to Peeta before turning and leaving the room.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I glad people are seeing the improvements Katniss is making in her life. It is hard for her but she is making steady focus. It's very much tiny baby steps with Peeta but he will catch up eventually.**

**Thanks to everyone who keeps reading. I look forward to your comments every week.**

* * *

Chapter 6

_Peeta_

I gently un-strap a sleeping Ivy from her car sheet. I pull her to me, careful not to wake her and take a deep breath as I inhale her soft scent of baby shampoo. I sigh before placing a soft kiss on her head and try to prepare my heart for leaving her.

It still tugs on my heart strings every time I have to give her back to Katniss. No matter how long I have spent with her, I am never ready to give her back. She is growing so much at the moment and I miss so many of those little milestones. I feel like half a father. I wish I could be there for all my children more. But I only have myself to blame for it all.

Ivy continues to sleep soundly against my shoulder as I haul up her bag and begin my slow ascent of Katniss's front steps. I shift Ivy in my arms so I can reach the doorbell and wait for Katniss to answer the door.

I look down at Ivy sadly as I pull her hat further down her head to keep out the cold February air. Katniss opens the door a moment later and her eyes immediately drop down to our daughter. She smiles broadly at her, her eyes bright with love, before bending down to place a kiss on her head.

"Did Daddy tire you out, Bug?" she says. "I hope you had fun."

I smile at the sight of Katniss looking adoringly at our daughter. For someone who was so determined never to be a mother she couldn't love Ivy more. I am incredibly proud at how naturally she has taken on the role of Ivy's mother.

"We had a very busy day. We went swimming and then Ivy watched Daddy yelling at the TV as we watched England get beaten this afternoon," I say with a grin.

Katniss rolls her eyes as she steps aside to let me in.

"Don't even get me started on the match today! How many times do we go to Scotland and they go all Braveheart on us and we lose? It was awful!" Katniss exclaims as I follow her upstairs to get Ivy ready for bed.

Watching England play rugby against Scotland today was indeed very frustrating. Every aspect of England's play had been awful and Scotland earned a well deserved win. But if their defeat gets me talking to Katniss about things other than Ivy I can't complain too much. Rugby has always been a keen point of interest for us both.

"Tell me about it. And I lost a £100 bet to Haymitch as a result. He has always had a soft spot for the Scots," I say.

Katniss smiles and shakes her head as I walk into Ivy's room and place her down on her changing table.

"Well anyone who drinks as much whiskey as him is going to show an appreciation for its country of origin," Katniss replies with a grin.

I laugh before turning back round to change Ivy for bed.

It feels good to be even having this small conversation with her. For so long she has kept me at arm's length and only communicated with me about Ivy but in the last couple of weeks she's been more open with me. We've been able to talk about other things, give each other shit for supporting different rugby teams and talking about her new job. It feels so good to talk with her again. To make her smile.

"You must miss having a functioning alcoholic senior partner at your new place," I say at I gently take Ivy's coat off her.

Katniss smiles again.

"I'm sure the work parties will be less interesting but I am liking the work there. It's smaller so you really get to know the clients. It's not as intense as Heavensbee and Coin," she replies.

I nod my head in understanding. I have been at Heavensbee and Coin for 16 years and have never worked anywhere else. I enjoy the pressure and intensity of working at a big accountancy firm but can understand the appeal of having a more personal relationship with your clients.

Katniss stands behind me as I change Ivy into her pyjamas. Standing this close behind me I can smell the hint of sandalwood in her perfume. The smell is so familiar that I am transported back in time and to the many nights that I immersed myself in her scent. The nights I had to scrub it off reluctantly to ensure Madge didn't smell it when I got back home.

I have to take a deep breath to compose myself. Trying anything with Katniss like this is not going to work. She's pushed me back to many times. But I still love her. I just need to play it slow. Build her trust again so she is open to being with me again.

"How was she today?" she asks as she watches me change Ivy.

I twist my head round to give her a smile.

"Adorable as usual. We had a great time swimming. I swear she was a fish in a past life," I say with a grin.

Katniss lets out a small laugh and my heart flips at the mini triumph of making her do so.

"She became fussy when she wouldn't eat the squashed up banana I gave her but a few kisses from Daddy calmed her down," I say.

Katniss sighs and shakes her head as she reaches out to stroke a dark curl off Ivy's face.

"She's been fussier with her solid foods lately. Ever since I have stopped breast feeding she's been more reluctant to try new foods," she says.

"Some babies find it hard to get off breast milk. It's just a phase. It will pass," I say trying to reassure her.

Katniss sighs again and nods her head before she watches me pick Ivy up and carry her to her cot. I place her down gently and tuck her in, making sure her stuffed rabbit is nearby. I lean into the cot and place a gentle kiss on her head.

"Sweet dreams, Sweetpea. I love you," I say.

When I stand back up I find Katniss watching me sadly. We stand silently in the dimly lit nursery for a few moments. She looks like she wants to say something but seems hesitant to do so.

"Thank you for looking after her today. It means a lot that you are here for her," she says.

I smile and shrug my shoulders.

"I'll be here whenever I can," I reply.

I can see the torment behind her eyes at my comment. No matter how much she pushes me away I know she still loves me. That part of her wants me to be here more just as much as I do.

She breaks her gaze away from me and looks anywhere but my face.

"So have you got plans for tomorrow? Taking the boys out?" she asks.

I smile at the fact she hasn't asked me to leave yet. Normally I would have been out the door 10 minutes ago. Maybe things aren't as bad between us as I thought.

"I'm taking Jamie to his mini rugby match tomorrow before taking all the boys out for lunch," I reply.

Katniss turns to me again and nods her head.

"Are things any better with him? You mentioned he was shutting you out," she says.

I sigh and shake my head.

"I've tried making more time for him. Taking him out on special trips just the two of us and showing him that I still love him just as much. But he doesn't know how to forgive me. He's too aware of what I did. It's easier with Harry and Charlie. They are young enough to not understand how much I betrayed them. I hate that I have let them all down in this way," I say.

I look down at my feet to hide the pain in my eyes. I hear Katniss take a step towards me and place a comforting hand on my shoulder. I knew she wouldn't be able to resist comforting me. She could never handle seeing me in pain.

"I'm sure Jamie still loves you. He's just a very hurt and confused little boy at the moment," she says.

I look up and give her a grateful smile.

"Thanks. But he hasn't even invited me to his birthday party yet," I say.

Jamie turns 8 in a week. But Jamie hasn't mentioned it to me.

"You know it might help to talk to someone professional about this. It might help you find a way to help Jamie," she says.

I let out a small laugh as I shake my head at her.

"You won't give up on that, will you?" I reply.

Katniss sighs heavily. It's a conversation we've had many times. She tells me therapy has really helped her and made her gain a new perspective on her life but I am reluctant to follow her example. I still don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger about my problems.

And I have made changes in my life. I've stopped seeking out woman for sex and focused on my children. I am trying to be the best father for them. Isn't that enough?

"Therapy scared me too at first but I feel so much better about myself because of it," she stresses.

I sigh and shake my head at her.

"I don't want to do it, Katniss. I don't need another person to tell me what is wrong in my life," I reply.

I can see the disappointment in her eyes. She is so desperate for me to start going. I just can't bring myself to do it. It will be like finally admitting I am the failure my mother has always thought me to be.

"That's not what therapy is. It's a way to look at yourself and think about the changes you want to make in your life. It's a focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Please just say you will think about it," she pleads.

My heart clenches when I see the desperate look in her eyes. She wants me to do this so badly and she is probably the only person in the world who could even get me to considerate it. I want to give her some hope. Hope that I can be good for her. Even if that means contemplating seeing a therapist once a week.

I let out a weary sigh as I run a hand through my hair.

"Okay. I'll think about it. But I won't make any promises," I say.

Katniss gives me a small grateful smile and I almost go and find a number of a therapist right then if only to get her to look at me like that again. I guess I have some serious soul searching to do in the next couple of weeks.

* * *

The next day I sit in the car with Jamie as I take him to his mini rugby match. He sits in the back seat silently looking out the window. He still barely talks to me. I've tried taking him out on special trips and made sure I have turned up for every school show or rugby match but he still shuts me out.

I miss talking with my son. I miss making him smile. I hate that I can't make things right. I look at him through the rear view mirror to try and start up a conversation.

"Are you excited for the match today, Buddy? Capitol Rugby are your main rivals," I say.

Jamie just shrugs his shoulders as he continues to look out the window. My heart plummets at his non-response.

"I'm really excited to see you play. You were so good the last match. How many tries do you think you are going to score today?" I ask.

"Dunno," he replies.

I sigh. Rugby used to be a great bonding exercise for us both. I would take Jamie to practices and matches and cheer loudly from the sidelines. At the end I would sit in the car with a smile as I listened to him jabber away excitedly about the match and give me a minute by minute run down of the game. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation like that.

Deciding to try and change tack I bring up his birthday.

"So your birthday is next week. Mum said she has booked out a party room at London Aquarium. It will be really cool to have dinner with the sharks!" I exclaim.

"You don't have to come," he replies.

My smile falls from my lips. Up until this point he hadn't point blank told me he didn't want me there but these last few words are a punch to the gut.

"I want to come," I say trying to sound sincere.

"Why?" he asks.

My heart drops even further into my stomach. Does he really not know how much I love him?

"Because I love you. And I want to spend time with you," I say honestly.

"You have a new baby to love. You don't need to pretend with me," he says despondently.

My heart cracks.

Every time I talk with him I feel my failures as a father. I've let him down badly. My biggest regret in this whole mess is how much I have hurt my children.

"I'm not pretending. Just because I have another baby doesn't mean I love you any less. I love you so much. Don't ever think I don't," I say.

I stop at a set of traffic lights and take my eyes momentarily off the road to turn round and look at him sincerely.

Jamie looks back at me for a long moment before turning back around and placing his elbow against the window ledge and resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

"Okay, Dad," he says.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I turn back to face the road. I always vowed that my children would know how much I love them. Unlike my mother who hasn't told me that since I was little. But I am failing.

I have never more guilty for what I have done to my son.

When we arrive at the rugby ground Jamie jumps out of the car and sprints off to join his friends without a second look at me. I let out a loud sigh as I watch him run up to his friends and join in with the warm up they are all doing. I walk over a little despondently towards the group of dads that stand by the touchline, many rubbing their gloved hands together or clutching steaming hot cups of coffee.

However, as I approach, a smile crosses my face when I catch sight of one of my good friends. Thom stands tapping something into his phone as I approach but he smiles broadly at me and stuffs his phone back in his jeans pocket when he sees me.

"No Delly this weekend? Does that mean I might actually get to talk to you?" I tease when I reach him.

Thom lets out a laugh and grins

"We can't be too obvious about it. My wife has spies everywhere," Thom replies in his strong Scottish accent.

Delly was one of my oldest friends. We grew up on the same street and knew each other all through school and managed to keep in touch once we left. When she started dating Thom, almost 13 years ago, he became one of my best friends. We have a lot in common and since both our eldest sons are a month apart in age we've always bonded over shared experiences.

However Delly adores Madge and took her side during the divorce. Over 30 years of friendship wasn't enough for her to see my point of view. As a result Thom has kept his distance from me. He's told me many times that he isn't taking sides but it makes his life a hell of a lot easier if he agrees with Delly.

I can't really blame him. He is one of my many friends that have been put in a similar position. Marriage is hard enough without 2 people arguing over their friends but it hurts to have so many of my friends distance themselves from me.

"I think even the trees are on her side," I reply with a grin.

Thom laughs again before the rugby coach blows his whistle and the boys get into position ready for the game to start. We turn to look at our sons before there is another sharp blow of the whistle and the boys all begin chasing each other about the park.

"How are you? I heard the divorce came through a couple of weeks ago," Thom says turning to me with a sympathetic look.

I shrug my shoulders and keep my eyes on Jamie on the field.

"Emotionally I haven't been married to her for 3 and half years. I stopped loving her a long time ago but it is still a little sad that it has all came to an end. We were together for 18 years. It was comfortable and familiar. But the divorce was the right thing to happen," I reply.

Thom bobs his head in understanding.

"Yeah. When you have been with someone that long you almost can't remember what life was like before them. Delly may be a pain in my ass most of the time but I'd be lost without her," Thom replies.

I smile sadly. I don't know what makes Thom different from me. Why he is able to stay faithful and in love with his wife while I couldn't.

The whistle blows again as the ball is kicked out of play by Thom's son, Angus, and he turns to me with an eye roll as all the boys go chasing after the ball.

"When do you think they learn to actually stay in position and not all go chasing after the ball like a dog with a bone?" I say.

Thom grins. It's fair to say that mini rugby is not an exhibition of skill or strategy.

"They still play better than England did yesterday. I thoroughly enjoyed your implosion yesterday afternoon," he replies.

I shake my head.

"I knew you would be smug about it," I say.

Thom grins wider. He's from a town just outside Glasgow but moved to London for work after university. We have a friendly rivalry when it comes to supporting different international rugby teams.

"Come on, beating England is all we Scots live for. It doesn't happen very often so we have to savour the moment when we do," he replies.

I smile and shake my head again as I go back to watching the game.

Just then Jamie grabs hold of the ball and begins sprinting off down the field. He is fast and manages to dodge the touch tackle of a boy from the other team. He has free space in front of him and I know no one is going to catch him. I cheer for him loudly as he runs the short distance to the try line and scores.

I put my hands round my mouth and whoop with delight.

"Well done Jamie! That was fantastic!" I yell.

Jamie hears the sound of my voice and turns round to look in my direction but his grin soon disappears when he sees me and he looks back at me with a blank stare before he turns round again to get the congratulations from his team.

Thom notices this small interaction and turns to me with a sympathetic look.

"Jamie still giving you a hard time?" he asks.

I sigh and nod.

"He actually told me I didn't need to pretend to love him in the car today," I say. "He thinks I have stopped loving him because of Ivy."

"Has he met Ivy yet? Maybe if they all meet he would see that you don't treat Ivy any differently to them," Thom suggests.

"That may not be the worst idea you have ever had. He can't get his head around the fact I can love them all equally. It would be a good opportunity to show him I can," I say.

Thom smiles before turning back to watch his son.

"If Delly asks, it was not my idea. I think she might castrate me if she found out I was helping you," he says.

I laugh.

"I promise to keep your secret," I reply.

* * *

I think about Thom's suggestion the entire drive back to pick up the rest of my sons and take them to lunch. Jamie is still barely speaking to me even though I can see he is excited about winning the game today and scoring 3 tries. I need to try something new to try and make my son's pain less.

But I already know Madge won't like the idea.

Jamie runs off up the stairs once Madge has made him stamp all the mud off him and I can hear Harry bossing Charlie around in the living room. After a few terse pleasantries with Madge about the match today I decide to broach the topic of the boys meeting Ivy.

"I would like to have Ivy over next weekend when the boys are round. I think it would good for them to meet," I say.

Madge straightens up from picking up Jamie's muddy rugby boots and stares at me shocked.

"No way. That's never going to happen," she replies turning away from me to put the boots away.

"That is a bit harsh. She is their sister. Their paths are bound to cross sooner or later," I say.

Madge whips back round, her sleek ponytail nearly hitting me in the face. There is an anger in her eyes now as she takes a step towards me.

"She is not their sister. Just your mistake you were too stupid to prevent from happening," she hisses.

My nostrils flare at her insult towards Ivy. I dislike anyone speaking badly about my children.

"Don't be cruel towards Ivy. She's a defenceless child. Don't take your anger over me out on her," I say in a low voice in order to not alert the boys to our disagreement.

Madge lets out a weary sigh as she takes a step back.

"You can't expect me to like her. She destroyed my family," Madge replies.

"Our marriage breaking apart wasn't her fault," I say.

Madge stares at me for a moment before sighing and turning round to walk into the kitchen. Not willing to give up the fight just yet I follow her through.

"I think meeting Ivy will be good for Jamie. Show him that I don't treat her any differently from them," I say determinedly.

Madge scoffs and shakes her head as she begins pulling a tea cup out the cupboard.

"You don't think it will hurt him more? Seeing you playing happy families with her?" she says.

"It'll show him that I love them all equally," I say.

Madge still looks unconvinced. I know I am putting her in a difficult position but I think in the long run it will be good for all my children to know each other. We need to put our differences aside for them.

"I had actually been thinking we need to take Jamie to a psychiatrist. I don't think there is anything you and I can do for Jamie at this point. He feels uncomfortable talking to both of us. I think it is the more sensible suggestion to the one you are proposing," Madge replies.

Why do the women in my life keep suggesting therapy as the solution to all our problems? Have things really gotten that bad for my son?

"How about we just try this meeting with Ivy. And if it still doesn't help Jamie then we'll look into the psychiatrist. I just want my little boy to be okay again," I say.

I have to work together with Madge when it comes to the boys. Just as I am willing think about therapy for Katniss I am willing to sign my son up for therapy if everything else fails. It may not be what I want for him but I can't watch him hurting any longer.

Madge looks at me with sad eyes. She finds Jamie's despondency as hard as I do. She sighs again but nods her.

"Fine. They can meet. But I am looking into child psychiatrists in case it doesn't make anything better," she agrees.

I smile at her gratefully. I know I am asking her a lot and the sadness in her eyes still makes me feel guilty but I really believe that meeting Ivy will be good for Jamie. That way I can prove to him that I treat her no differently. I have to hope that all my children will be able to get on with each other.

* * *

The following weekend I sit in the living room bouncing Ivy up and down on my lap. She giggles and looks down at me as I jiggle her about and lift her in the air. A bit of drool dribbles down her mouth and I get a hankie to wipe it up.

"You are getting even more teeth! You are drooling everywhere!" I exclaim as I bring my nose down to rub with hers. She giggles again and brings her hands together to try and trap my cheeks between them.

Finnick watches with a smile from a seat across from me.

"She's definitely inherited your gene for smiling. She's always smiling and laughing," Finnick says.

I take my eyes momentarily off my daughter to turn and smile at him.

"She can still scowl like her Mummy though when she doesn't get her way," I say turning back to her and bringing my head down to her eye level. "You didn't like it when I took your bunny rabbit away did you?"

Ivy gives me a gummy smile and tries to clap her hands together. I chuckle as I pull her back to me and place a kiss on top of her head as she tries to wriggle out of my grasp and grab the very toy I was talking about.

"So are you really think about seeing a therapist? I thought you had sworn that suggestion off for good?" Finnick asks.

I shrug my shoulders as Ivy grabs hold of the bunny toy and starts chewing on its ear.

"Well I suppose since you saw that fertility doctor I have no choice," I say with a grin.

Finnick laughs and shakes his head with a smile as he remembers the deal we made over 4 months ago.

I take a deep breath as I try to keep Ivy contained in my lap.

"I Googled a few places but I still don't think I can do it. I feel like it is admitting defeat," I reply.

Finnick bobs his head in understanding.

"For what it's worth, I don't think you are weak for admitting that you need help. I honestly think it could be really good for you. I have hated seeing you so despondent these last few months," he says.

I sigh again still not convinced. A grin slowly appears on Finnick's face though as he watches me.

"Besides, if I can do it in a cup, you can talk to some guy about Katniss, Madge and your mother for an hour," he says.

I chuckle at his comment and am thankful that I will have his support no matter what I do.

Madge is bringing the boys round later this morning and I asked him to come over to try and help me manage the numbers. It's hard enough managing the 4 boys on my own without adding a very adventurous Ivy to the mix.

I am a little nervous about how the day will go. My mum has told me on many occasions that she thinks it is a bad idea and it is just another example of me failing her. She has no faith in me that I can join my two families together.

And although I think it is good for the boys to meet their sister I am unsure how they will react. I don't know what Madge has been saying at home.

But I don't have to wait much longer to find out as the doorbell goes signalling their arrival.

I take a deep breath and look over to Finnick for support. He gives me a reassuring smile in return. I smile back at him gratefully as I arrange Ivy on my hip and prepare myself to greet the boys.

"Let's go and meet your brothers," I say to her.

Ivy looks up at me with her big blue eyes as she chews the ear of the bunny rabbit that she successfully managed to reach. I lean down to give her one last kiss as I stand and make my way to the door.

Madge stands in the doorway holding Max in his winter jumpsuit and hat while the 3 older boys gather round her feet all wearing brightly coloured hats and gloves. Charlie and Harry beam up at me as I open the door but Jamie stands back as he eyes Ivy suspiciously.

I usher them all inside and out of the cold before I bend down with Ivy still in my arms and show her to the boys.

"Hello boys. I'm so excited that you are here today," I say with a smile. "I've got someone I want you to meet. This is your sister, Ivy."

I gesture my head towards my daughter and Harry and Charlie look at her curiously. Ivy rests her head against my shoulder and looks down at her brothers inquisitively.

Harry stares at her for a long moment and I hold my breath waiting for his response. His little eyebrows knot into a frown and he breaks his gaze from Ivy to look back up at me.

"But she has brown hair. We all have yellow hair," he says tugging at his blond strands that stick out from underneath his hat.

I smile at my son's very basic knowledge of genetics but don't get a chance to reply.

"That's because she has a different mummy," Madge voices cuts through.

I snap my gaze to look up at her. I can see the pain in her eyes as she looks at Ivy. Pain for looking at the reason that broke up our marriage.

Harry turns to look back at his mother confused.

"Whose her mummy?" he asks.

I take a deep breath. Explaining Katniss to him has always been hard. I tap him gently on the shoulder to get him to look back at me.

"Remember I told you Ivy's mum is a friend of mine from work," I say. "But just because you have different mummies doesn't mean I love you all differently. I love you all very much."

Harry ponders this for a moment as he continues to look at Ivy curiously. Eventually he shrugs his shoulders.

"She's a baby just like Max. She can't do anything. She'll be boring just like him," he says.

I smile.

"Well you can teach her to do new things just like you do with Max and Charlie," I say.

Harry sighs.

"I suppose. But Dad you need to start teaching them things too. I can't do it all on my own!" he exclaims.

I laugh as he turns to shrug off his jacket and hat and runs towards the living room to play with the toys.

I stand up again and can see that Madge has accepted that today is happening. That her sons will always have a sister in their lives.

She encourages Charlie and Jamie to take off their coats too and takes Max through to join his older brother. She sits him down on the play mat I have laid out and takes his jumpsuit off. I place Ivy down opposite Max and they both stare at each other curiously as Madge finishes undressing Max. Ivy, being the more active of the two, makes the first move as she discards the bunny toy that is clutched in her grasp to try and reach a stuffed pig. Max watches her carefully as she begins chewing on its tail and waving it in front of him.

Eventually Madge finishes undressing him and says her goodbyes to her sons before leaving. Jamie perches on the edge of the sofa as he stares at Ivy. He's not quite sure what to make of her.

Harry and Charlie get the train set out and Harry is now ordering his younger brother about. Charlie mostly ignores him as he move the Thomas the Tank Engine toy back and forth on the carpet as he makes brooming noises.

I stand surveying the scene for a moment and look across to Finnick. He gives me a reassuring smile before bending down to play with Ivy and Max. I take a deep breath before encouraging Jamie off the sofa and getting him to join in with Harry and Charlie.

The morning goes surprisingly well. After a tentative start Harry abandons the trains to come over and teach Max and Ivy the different names of all the stuffed animals I have. Charlie gets the paper and crayons out and draws a picture of a rainbow that he gives to Ivy.

Jamie even offers to read all his younger siblings a story. I think I do a decent job of showing them I treat them all equally. My heart skips a little in joy at the thought of proving my mother wrong.

By mid afternoon I sense that we all need to get out of the house and decide we will take a walk to the bakery nearby and buy some cupcakes. Harry and Charlie jump about with excitement at the idea and Finnick and I begin the herculean task of getting them all into their coats and gloves.

I stand at the bottom of the steps with Ivy in her buggy and Harry and Jamie standing beside me. Finnick is still in the house with Max as he finishes putting on Charlie's shoes. Harry is jumping up and down on the pavement as I make sure I have got everything I need strapped onto the buggy.

"Can we go Daddy? I'm hungry!" he whines.

I sigh as I stand up and look down at him with a warning stare.

"Be patient, Bud. They are not going to run out of cakes," I say.

Harry huffs and folds his arms across his chest. It's then I notice that his hands are bare.

"Harry, where are your gloves?" I ask.

Harry turns to look at me sheepishly.

"I don't know," he replies.

I sigh and shake my head.

"You are wearing your gloves, Harry. It is cold. You don't want your fingers to freeze and then fall off," I say.

Harry huffs again and scuffs his shoes on the pavement.

"They're inside," he says refusing to look at me.

I sigh again before telling Jamie to watch the buggy as I quickly make my way up the steps to grab the gloves. Finnick looks at me surprised when he sees me enter and gets ready to push Max's buggy out of the house. I shake my head and give him a look that says "Don't ask" when I see Harry's green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gloves on the bottom step of the stairs. I bend down to swipe them up and bound my way back down the front steps.

However when I do I find Jamie and the buggy with Ivy in it gone and only Harry standing on the pavement.

Fear grips my heart as I quickly turn my head to scan the street. But there is no sign of either Jamie or Ivy. My heart begins to pound and my eyes roam the area frantically. I was only gone a minute.

"Harry, where did Jamie and Ivy go?" I ask trying to hide the panic in my voice.

He just looks at me and shrugs.

"I don't know, Daddy. I was looking at that cat over there and when I looked again they were gone," Harry says.

I have to focus on my breathing as the reality of the situation hits me. Jamie and Ivy are missing. I grip the top of my curls tightly as the panic takes hold. My mouth goes dry and the rest of the world seems to disappear as I grow frantic with worry about their whereabouts.

I flinch when a warm hand touches my shoulder but it is only Finnick.

"They can't have gone far. You were gone for a minute," he says.

1 minute. 1 minute was enough for my son and daughter to disappear. 1 minute for them to get lost or hurt or worse.

"You go that way with Harry," Finnick says pointing up the street. "I'll go this way with Max and Charlie. We'll find them."

I nod my head but can't stop imagining all the horrible things that could happen to them. The streets of London are a busy and terrifying place for someone who is just over 4 feet tall.

Finnick gives me another nudge to get me moving before he sets off in the opposite direction.

I grab Harry's hand and begin charging off down the street shouting Jamie and Ivy's name.

"Not so fast, Daddy!" Harry exclaims. "I'm going to fall!"

I slow my step only slightly as I take a greater grip on Harry's hand and tug him along to the end of the street.

When I turn the corner the number of pedestrians on the street increases and I crane my neck to try and see if I can catch a glimpse of Jamie's bright blue hat. There are so many people and the traffic is noisy. Are there always this many people out on the street? It would be all too easy for them to get pushed into the road and hit by car. I scan the surroundings desperately and shout out his name again. A few passer-bys look at me strangely but none offer to stop and help.

And then I see it. A glimpse of a bright blue hat amongst the sea of black and grey. He's standing by a crossing, clutching the buggy tightly and looking a little panicked. I let out a huge sigh of relief before I call out his name again and he turns to look at me.

I can see his face threatening to crumble into tears and I barge my way through the crowd pulling Harry behind me.

As soon as I reach them I pull Jamie into me and hug him tightly while still clutching Harry's hand.

"Jamie, why did you do that? I was so worried about you!" I exclaim holding him so tightly that I am almost frightened I will squeeze all the air out of him.

I loosen my grip on him slightly and pull back to look at him. I see his blue eyes brimming with tears.

"I'm so sorry, Daddy. I just thought that if Ivy wasn't here you would make up with Mummy and come home! But then there were all these people pushing and shoving and Ivy started crying and I got scared Daddy!" he wails.

Ivy is indeed crying in her buggy. I get up slightly to reach in and check her. I stroke the side of her head and the reassurance that I am here again is enough to soothe her and her cries turn to whimpers.

I look back down at Jamie in my arms. I would be mad at him if it weren't for his heartbreaking words. My failures as a father have cut deeper into my son than I previously thought.

"Don't you ever do that again," I scold but with tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. "I love so much, okay? I couldn't live if something bad happened to you. Promise me you won't do anything like this again."

"I won't Daddy," Jamie says burying his face into my coat. "I'm sorry. I love you."

I take another sigh of relief as my heart rate slowly goes back to normal. Everything could have been so much worse.

But I realise that my son needs more help than I can give him.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to everyone that is still reading. I am glad that people are enjoying this very flawed version of Katniss and Peeta.**

* * *

_Chapter 7_

I pull into the car park and spend a long moment smoothing my hair down as I look in the rear view mirror. I tuck a wayward strand of hair behind my ear and reach into my bag to apply some lip balm in an effort to prepare myself for today. I don't normally make this much effort for her but I am stalling.

After months of talking with Dr Aurelius it has become clear to me just how much my mother has affected all my relationships with men. My reluctance to fall in love has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to become like her; a broken shell of a person who is not capable enough to look after her own children. Dr Aurelius has said that he doesn't think I will be able to have a healthy relationship until I have confronted my mother about her own actions.

We've talked about it a lot. And I know that I need to do it. I never really understood just how much I resented her for abandoning Prim and I after Dad died. Avoidance has always been my best strategy with dealing with her. And until recently I didn't even talk about my feelings. All this makes me reluctant to have this conversation with her. I've been putting it off for so long now. I know I need to do it now or I will never get the nerve.

I take one last look in the car mirror and take a deep breath. I reach over to grab the bunch of daffodils I have brought for her. My pathetic attempt of a peace offering.

After spending another minute psyching myself up in the car I finally stop stalling and get out. The sooner I start this the sooner it will be over.

A cheery nurse greets me at reception as I walk in and I state my name and person I wish to see. The nurse smiles brightly and tells me that Mum is up in her room. I thank the nurse and take the lift up to the second floor where my mother's room in located.

Mum has been in Panem Mental Health and Depression Clinic for the last 10 years. She completely shut down after my dad died in a car accident. She wasn't capable of being a mother anymore and I had to learn how to look after Prim and myself on my own. Our Aunt Effie realised quickly that I was the one buying the food and making sure Prim got to school on time and insisted that we all go and live with her once she found this out.

And for a while that worked. Mum stayed mostly in her room but Aunt Effie made sure she ate and showered and some of the burden of looking after Prim was taken off my shoulders. But then one day Mum tried to make spaghetti and she left the hob on. She had a mini-breakdown and I returned from school to find smoke coming out the windows and Mum rocking back and forth in the wardrobe.

She was checked into Panem clinic straight away and has been here ever since. I only visit her maybe 3 or 4 times a year and always with Prim in tow.

I walk down the long sterile corridor to my mother's room at the end. I pass a few nurses and carers on the way and they give me polite smiles but the truth is I don't come here regularly enough for any of them to really recognise me.

As I approach I can hear noises coming from within the room and I even hear a light laugh. I stop outside the door and take another deep breath. My grip on the daffodils tightens as I peer into the room.

She doesn't seem too bad today. She's up out of her bed and her blonde hair has been brushed into a neat ponytail. She seems to be playing some card game with one of the carers. The carer laughs again after Mum says something amusing.

These moments are rare but there are occasions when she seems almost like the person she was before Dad died. As a child I hated seeing these moments. Why couldn't see be like this all the time? Why couldn't she just get better and come home to us?

After a few years my resentment towards her grew so much that I didn't even care if she began having more good days than bad.

I gently tap on the door and they both startle at the noise. Mum looks up and I can see the surprise in her eyes. I smile at her awkwardly as I stand pathetically in the doorway clutching the flowers. The carer smiles brightly at me and gets up off her chair.

"What a lovely surprise! This will really make Lily's day!" the carer exclaims.

I highly doubt that but I smile at her anyway. There is an awkward pause as the carer stands, obviously waiting for Mum and I to share a warm embrace. But I have never been an affectionate person and Mum forgot how to be one after Dad died. We just stand there looking at each other awkwardly.

Realising that there is going to be no big warm welcome the carer excuses herself and leaves.

Silence fills the room once she has left and I continue to stare at Mum awkwardly. Eventually I shove the flowers under her nose and take a step further into the room.

"I bought these for you. I thought they could brighten up your room," I say.

Mum stares at me for a long moment before accepting the flowers and taking them towards the sink to put them in a vase of water.

"Thank you," she says.

She places the flowers on her window sill and sits back down on her chair. I nod my head and take the seat that the carer had been been sitting in. The seat is still warm.

There is another silence before Mum speaks again. I haven't known what to say to her for 10 years. Prim is normally the one to fill the room with chatter as I sat back and tried not to resent Mum too much.

"Thank you for coming and visiting me today. I didn't expect you," she says.

"I thought I would surprise you," I reply.

Mum smiles back at me but even she knows I must be here for a reason.

"You didn't bring your daughter. What's her name again?" Mum asks.

It hurts that she doesn't even remember Ivy's name. I've brought her a couple of times and each time Mum has been surprised that I now have a child. She takes so little interest in either of her daughters' lives.

"Her name is Ivy. She's spending the day with her dad," I say. "But I have some pictures of her. Do you want to see?"

Mum nods her head and I rustle about in my bag in search of my phone. I find it and take it out to show Mum the latest pictures of Ivy.

She leans forward to peer at the screen and see the numerous pictures of Ivy out and about. There are pictures of her in Hyde Park as well as Ivy sitting in a mess she made at home. I smile with pride as I scroll through the many pictures of my daughter looking happy while smiling brightly at the camera.

After a few photos Mum sits back with a reminiscent sigh.

"She looks just like you when you were that age. Though she has beautiful blue eyes. Your eyes are molten silver like Heath's," she says.

I can see her mood shift at the mention of Dad. She seems to shrink back into the chair and her eyes immediately fade. My heart sinks at the thought of her shutting down on me again. I need to speak to her about her behaviour after Dad left. I need to understand why she did it.

"I actually came to talk about Dad," I say not wanting to lose her before she goes completely.

The use of his name startles her and she looks at me quizzically.

Now I have her attention I don't know what to say. I don't want to say anything that could make her worse again.

Dr Aurelius had suggested that I just ask. Ask her why she broke down. That is what I really want to know.

"Why did you shut down when he died? Why couldn't you look after us anymore?" I say.

Mum looks at me sadly and part of me feels bad for making her go back to that place but I need to know.

"I loved your father very much. When he died a large part of me died with him. We had so many plans together. I didn't have the energy to do those things without him. Not when everything inside of me ached," she says.

"But you left Prim and I by ourselves. I understand that you loved Dad but I could never let something like that get in the way of caring for Ivy. Every other relationship I have is insignificant compared to the one I have with her," I say.

Mum smiles at me sadly.

"That is why you are a better mother than I am," she says.

There is an awkward pause as I am left stunned by her comment.

"I love you girls but my relationship with your father was always so important to me. I am sorry I couldn't love you both enough," she adds.

Her words shock me. Since I have had Ivy I've realised what real love is. She is my whole life and I can't imagine not being there for her. And yet my own mother is admitting that she didn't love Prim and I enough. She loved our father more and part of her died with him.

I sniff back a tear as I turn to look out the window and avoid looking at my mother. I can feel her gaze on me.

"You are stronger than me. So much like your father. It hurts sometimes to look at you. I see his smile on your lips. Hear him when you sing. It was easier to avoid you and not be faced with reminders of him. I am sorry that I left you as a result," she says.

I turn back to look at her again. She genuinely sounds sorry. I can see the regret she has in her eyes. I sniff loudly and nod my head in understanding. She is never going to be the mother I want her to be. But at least she can be honest about her failings.

"I've been seeing a therapist. He's helped me understand that we all do things we regret when we are in love. I've done my fair share of bad things and hurt innocent people on the way. I can't imagine doing what you did but I think I understand why. Maybe now I understand I will be able to start to forgive you," I say.

And I mean it. There will be days worse than this when she won't even acknowledge me. There will be days when she will almost feel normal. I am just going to have to live with that. I need to forgive her to be able to move on.

"I think I'll start coming round more often. I'll bring Ivy next time," I say.

Mum smiles.

"That would be nice. It really does sound like you are doing a great job with her. I am so proud that you are turning out to be a better mother than me," she says.

Her comments mean a lot to me. She hasn't said she has been proud of me since I was 11 years old. Maybe if we both work hard we can have some sort of relationship again.

* * *

I meet up with Johanna, Gale and some other friends at the pub later that night. Peeta has Ivy overnight and I am looking forward to loosening up a little after my emotionally draining afternoon with my mother.

After we had the conversation we chatted about the small things. How Ivy was doing. My new job. The inconsistent performances of the England rugby team. It was the first proper conversation I have had with her for years. It felt nice but I was left emotionally exhausted after it.

Johanna waves me over when I enter the noisy pub and shimmies over on the leather sofa to make room for me. I smile in greeting at the small groups of friends that have gathered before I squeeze into the space next to Johanna.

"What you drinking, Catnip?" Gale asks once I have settled myself in.

"A Corona if you are buying," I say with a grin.

Gale smiles back and shakes his head.

"You bleed me dry Everdeen," he says.

I laugh as I settle back against the sofa cushions and Gale heads off to the bar.

I've made more of an effort since January to meet up with friends whenever Peeta has Ivy. I had isolated myself just after she was born. My whole life was taken up with caring for her and hiding from all the people that I had hurt. But I know it is healthy to get out every now and again.

Since I made amends with Gale things have gone back to normal between us. He's reverted back to calling me Catnip and I have resumed kicking his butt at darts. It is nice having my friend back.

Gale comes back not long later. The pub is pretty packed as the punters wait for the England vs France rugby game on tonight but the waitress clearly fancies Gale and he is served before any of the other demanding customers.

"See you are still using that dark smouldering look of yours to good effect," I say as I take my beer off Gale. "She was ready to drop her underwear after one look from you."

Gale grins.

"I can't help it if I am so devilishly handsome. And don't judge her for falling for my charms. If I remember correctly, it only took one Smirnoff Ice before you were falling at my feet," he replies cheekily.

"I know what I am buying Katniss all night," another cheeky voice chips in.

The group turn round to greet Darius who has just come in from the cold.

It turns out that Darius and Gale are on the same rugby team and have a rather annoying friendship together. I haven't forgiven Johanna for giving Darius my number at Rory's birthday party but I, at least, thought I could just ignore and forget about him.

However that turned out to be a fruitless plan when I turned up at the pub a couple of weeks later and he sat side by side with Gale as they each tried to outdo each other with Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. If I want Gale back in my life I need to accept Darius.

That in itself wouldn't be too bad. I like Darius. As a friend. He makes me laugh. And makes really good homemade pizza.

But he keeps asking me out.

You would think after being rejected more than 5 times in a month he would have gotten the hint. But no. If anything, each rejection just seems to spur him on. I have been in and dated with flowers, chocolates, wine tasting vouchers all in an effort to try and get me to consent to a date. I've tried to rebuff every single one.

It doesn't help that Johanna keeps egging him on. Often stealing my phone to text him or always conveniently needing to go to the toilet whenever it is just the 3 of us. I have a sneaky suspicion that she actually likes Darius more than she lets on though and if it wasn't for her mission for me to bed anyone other than Peeta she would have made a move on him on herself. I've caught her staring at him appreciatively a few times when she thinks no one is looking and I think her efforts are part of a distraction tactic over her own feelings for him.

I turn to Darius with a grin.

"Gale's got it the wrong way round. He was the one that got drunk on one Smirnoff Ice and fell down at _my_ feet," I say.

Darius laughs.

"Doesn't surprise me. He declared his love for my Mum at the rugby fundraising dinner. But then proceeded to call her Catriona while her name is Katherine," Darius replies.

"Really Gale? Rule number 1. Get the name right," I say with a grin.

"I don't know why I became friends with you again. All I get is abuse," he says.

"You bring it on yourself," Darius replies.

Everyone else is laughing and Gale sighs in mock defeat as he takes a seat opposite me.

Johanna gives me a wicked look before shuffling further up the sofa and tapping the space next to me.

"Katniss has been saving this seat for you, Darius," she says. "She's been dying to see you again."

I turn to scowl at her but this just causes her to grin wider.

"Don't even try to protest, Brainless. If you give into him you could be having sex by the end of the month. And by God do you need it. Your virginity is growing back," she says.

"I think once you have pushed a child out of your vagina there is no chance of that happening," I hiss back.

Johanna grins again.

"Sleep with Darius and we will find out," she says.

I narrow my eyes at her before turning my back and ignoring her.

Darius is still smiling at me when I turn back around. He has now taken a seat beside me and he leans in to whisper in an effort to be heard in the noisy pub.

"Don't worry. You are too beautiful for me to try and cop a feel in a rowdy pub. You deserve much better than that," he says.

I blush at his words. I have never been good at receiving compliments and the annoying thing with Darius is that he is always sincere when he gives them to me.

Thankfully for me the game starts soon after and everyone's attention is turned towards it. I get a brief reprieve from both Johanna and Darius.

* * *

At half time England have managed to put together a half decent performance and hold a narrow lead. Darius turns to me with a grin.

"Well that is promising. Best we've played so far," he says.

I nod my head in agreement before taking a sip of my beer.

"Did you see your Mum today? Was it horrible?" he asks.

I told him I was going to see my Mum the last time I saw him. I normally don't like talking about my personal life with people I barely know but Darius is so open with his life that it makes it easier to talk about mine. He may be a joker most of the time but he has also proven to be a very good listener.

"Some of it was worse than I was expecting but some of it was better. I understand her more now. I may not agree with what she did but I understand. I can start to forgive her," I reply.

Darius smiles at me proudly and there is a hint of butterflies in my stomach as he does so. They appear every now and again when I am around him but they are often fleeting and never stay for long. But it's been a long time since a man has looked at me in that way. Like he is genuinely pleased for me. Like he will always be cheerleader for me. And that makes me feel warm inside.

I smile back at him gratefully. Sensing a mini-moment Darius leans back against the sofa with a grin.

"Why won't you go out with me? You like me. You would have told me to fuck off long ago if you didn't. I think we could be really good together," he says.

I groan. Part of me wishes I did want to go out with him. He's right. I do like him. And there are occasional moments like the one we just had where I feel a flutter of something. And he's uncomplicated. No wives or children and it could just be something light instead of all the drama I have put myself through recently. It would be the sensible thing to do.

I just can't get myself to commit. Every time I think about possibly moving on a picture of blond hair and blue eyes flashes through my mind.

I look at Darius regretfully.

"You know it is complicated," I say.

Darius sighs. He's nothing but persistent.

"I'm going to keep asking you out," he says. "And one day you are going to say yes."

* * *

I think about Darius's determination all through the next 3 days. He keeps texting me and more often than not his texts make me smile. He seems so confident and I hate that I am dragging him along. I've dragged too many guys along in the past. Part of the reason I am seeing Dr Aurelius is so I don't hurt another man again.

I bring it up at our next session a few days later. Dr Aurelius listens carefully as I explain why Darius asking me out makes me uncomfortable.

"Why do you not say yes?" Dr Aurelius asks.

I am a little stunned by his question. I thought he would be praising me for not falling for another man's charm. I sit in silence with my mouth gaping like a fish as I am too surprised to answer. The doctor sees that I am floundering and tries to help me out.

"You and Peeta haven't had a romantic relationship for 7 months. It would be normal to start thinking about meeting someone new. And of all your new friends you talk about Darius the most. He obviously likes you and seems a stable presence. He is the type of person you should be pursuing in an effort to find a healthy relationship. I think you need to acknowledge the real reason why you won't accept his date. It's more than not wanting to drag him along," he says.

I contemplate his words for a moment. He's right again. I don't want to hurt Darius's feelings but there's something else stopping me from going out with him. Someone else.

"I'm not ready to let Peeta go. If I go on a date with Darius it is shutting a door on that relationship," I admit.

Dr Aurelius smiles sadly at me.

"I think it is maybe time we start talking about why you don't want to let Peeta go," he replies.

We spend the remainder of the session talking about my feelings for Peeta and whether they are healthy. We talk about the reasons why I fell in love with him and now that I have changed if these reasons still apply.

The whole conversation makes me realise how hopeless our relationship is. Even if I still love him, I can't have a relationship with him unless he is willing to acknowledge and accept his problems. He's made some improvements but he still has a long way to go.

The whole session leaves me demoralised and disheartened. I should be trying to move on and find some happiness again.

The next few weeks I distance myself from Peeta again. I can see the hurt and confusion in his eyes when I stop our conversations when he drops Ivy off. I hate seeing him in pain but I have got to focus on my own happiness. As he is at this moment I know we wouldn't be happy.

I talk a lot with Dr Aurelius about the ways I can try and move on. Dr Aurelius suggests I talk to Peeta but the thought makes my stomach churn and is something I would rather avoid. I know he will just disagree with me and we will probably end up having an argument. We haven't argued in months and I think a lot of that is to do with the fact we haven't talked about our relationship in a long time.

So instead I ignore Dr Aurelius's advice and agree to a date with Darius.

He is surprised when I call him up one day in late March and suggest that we go out for dinner that week. Darius is momentarily made speechless when I tell him but he soon recovers and excitedly tells me how I won't regret this and that I will have the best night of my life. I laugh politely but it doesn't sound quite genuine. Nervous butterflies immediately appear in my stomach.

The following weekend I wait for Darius to come and pick me up and take us to a mysterious location. Ivy is spending the evening with Peeta so I won't have to deal with the awkwardness of introducing her to Darius. I'm not ready for them to meet. I have no idea where this relationship could go and I don't want to introduce Ivy to a string of random strangers.

I've tried not to put too much effort into my appearance. I wear a pair of dark skinny jeans, a fancy loose blouse and heels. Johanna sits opposite me in the living room with a triumphant smile on her face.

"Well, Brainless, I'm proud of you. I know part of the reason you suggested this date is to see if you can date anyone else, but I think once you go out and be treated the way you should be treated you will forget about Peeta. You don't need to be anyone's secret anymore," she says.

I smile at her but the butterflies swirl about my stomach. I haven't been on a date in over 4 years. It was too risky when I was with Peeta. London may have over 8 million people but it is still a remarkably small world. The chances of us running into someone we knew was too high.

So we mainly just fucked in the office or at my old flat. It makes me sad that I allowed myself to be kept hidden for so long.

There is a gentle knocking at the door and Johanna springs up to get it for me. I follow her through and she opens the door to a smiling Darius clutching a bunch of red roses. His eyes immediately find me and he smiles.

I blush and look down at the floor, slightly embarrassed to be looked at in that way. Like seeing me is the highlight of his day.

Johanna coughs to encourage me to greet him and I eventually step forward and accept the flowers off him.

I don't like roses. They remind me too much of weddings and that was one thing I was determined I wasn't go to ever have when I was younger. Peeta would have got me orange calla lilies. They are my favourite. And their colour matches his favourite colour. He would never get me roses.

Darius looks at me nervously, waiting for me to say something. I try and push Peeta out of my mind. He's known me for almost 4 years. Of course he would know my favourite flower. Darius has only known me a couple of months. I can't expect him to know these things about me.

"Thank you for the flowers. I'll just put them in some water and then we can go," I say.

Darius smiles at me relieved and stays in the hallway while I take the roses through and put them in a vase. I grab my coat on the way back through and pick up my bag.

"Okay. I'm ready. Are you going to tell me where we are going yet?" I ask.

Darius relaxes and gives me a cheeky grin.

"I'm not telling you. But I will tell you it does the best peppercorn steak in London," he says.

I roll my eyes as I pick up my keys and move us towards the door.

"As long as it is not Marvel's Kitchen. I got food poisoning the last time I went there," I reply.

Darius face immediately falls and my eyes go wide in embarrassment.

Marvel's Kitchen is a Michelin star French restaurant right in the centre of London. It is generally considered one of the best and most over priced restaurants in England. Their steak is legendary. But when I went last year for a business lunch the chicken left me feeling rather unwell.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that you were taking me there. You didn't have to take me somewhere as fancy as that. I would have been happy with Nandos," I say.

"You deserve better than Nandos. I wanted to take you someplace special for our first date. I can't believe you hate it," he says disheartened.

"I don't hate it," I say trying to back pedal. "I had one bad experience. I'm sure it will be better this time."

He looks at me for a long moment and I hate that I have put a sad look on his face.

"It is my own stupid fault for not checking what you liked. Great start to the date," he says his eyes falling to the ground.

I reach out to give his arm a reassuring squeeze. My touch startles him and he looks up at me.

"I agreed to this date because I want to spend time with you. It doesn't matter where we go," I say.

The smile reappears on his face again and he takes my hand to give it a squeeze. I try not to startle from the feel of it. His hand feels a lot different from Peeta's.

"You're right. I'm going to make sure you enjoy yourself," he says.

I give him a forced smile and can't help but think that his cheeks don't dimple the same way Peeta's do when he smiles.

* * *

We arrive at the restaurant and Darius exploits his police privileges to find a car parking space right outside. There is a queue outside the door but Darius had told me in the car that he had pulled some strings to book us a table. We walk straight in and get seated.

I had tried to relax in the car and just sit back and enjoy Darius's conversation. I like him. I get on with him. I've spent hours talking with him in the pub. But I am very aware this is a date. I can't seem to shake off the nerves that have settled in my stomach. It doesn't matter how many amusing anecdotes Darius tells me, I just can't get myself to relax.

He is a very different storyteller from Peeta. He is very enthusiastic. Lots of actions and voices. Peeta uses words more to convey his story. He paints such a detailed picture of the stories that he tells that you can imagine that you are there. Darius is all about making you laugh.

The waiter gives us our menus and leaves us to decide. Darius looks up from his menu with a smile.

"So I'll be staying away from the chicken. Though I don't think you can do better than the steak," he says.

I let out a weak laugh as I scan my own menu. Steak is such a predictable choice. Peeta would have chosen the duck. When the waiter comes back I order the duck while Darius orders the steak.

Darius waits for the waiter to take our menus before turning back to me with a smile.

"So is Johanna looking after Ivy tonight? You are brave leaving Ivy with her. She'll probably hand her a bottle of gin and teach her all the worse swear words," he says.

That earns him my first genuine laugh.

"And take her to get her first tattoo," I say with a smile. "But I don't have to worry about that tonight. Ivy is staying with Peeta."

There is a slight awkward pause at the mention of Peeta and Darius nods his head in understanding. He knows about Peeta but we don't talk about him. Darius coughs before grabbing a bit of bread and trying to move past the moment.

"You seem like you are doing really well with her. Your eyes light up whenever you talk about her," he says.

I give him another warm smile. I can talk about Ivy. It is easy when she is everything good I have in my life at the moment.

"I know it is clichéd but I've never loved someone like I love her. I can't imagine my life without her," I say.

Darius smiles warmly at me.

"Well, you can certainly tell," he replies.

"Do you want to see some pictures of her?" I ask.

I've talked about Ivy a lot with Darius. It is hard not to when she takes up most of my life but I have shared very few pictures of her. I feel funny showing her picture to virtual strangers but I want to make more of an effort with Darius. I want to be able to talk about Ivy with him.

Darius smile widens and he nods his head eagerly. I fish my phone out of my bag and begin scrolling through the pictures of her. Darius looks at the pictures in the park with Ivy sitting in one of the baby swings. Pictures of her sitting in her high chair with strawberry yogurt smeared all over her face. Pictures of her looking up in awe of the bubbles that float above her head.

Finally we come to a picture of her with Peeta. It was taken a couple of weeks ago when she learned how to stand while holding onto something for support. In this picture Peeta is bending down with his hands tightly holding her waist as she stands on 2 feet. Both have proud grins on their faces and their matching blue eyes stare back at me with a sparkle.

The picture catches me off guard and I suddenly get a twinge of guilt. I shouldn't be out enjoying myself without them.

The picture surprises Darius too. Showing your date a picture of your ex is not exactly what most people do on first dates.

His cheery disposition falls again and he looks at me sadly.

"Is that her dad?" he asks.

I nod my head. There is a pause.

"She's got his eyes," Darius eventually adds.

I nod my head again before shutting off my phone and stuffing it back in my bag. I came here to try and move on from Peeta. Not to be reminded of him.

But the damage is done. For the rest of the date I can't get him out of my head. The image of him looking so happy and proud with Ivy becomes permanently ingrained into my brain. And I don't focus on anything else Darius says.

Darius drops me back at my house at the end of the date and walks me up to the door. I stop and turn to him and he gives me a resigned smile.

"Normally I would try and kiss you now but even I know this date has been a disaster," he says.

I frown at him.

"It's not been a disaster," I say.

Darius raises his eyebrows at me.

"Did you spend one minute not thinking about him? Comparing everything I did to him? And let's not even mention that I took you to a restaurant that you hate," he says.

"The food at the restaurant was a lot better this time," I say trying to find a positive.

"But my first two points are true," he says.

I don't answer but look down at my feet to hide my shame. I wish I could feel more for Darius. I can see everything would be so uncomplicated with him and he would love me and Ivy very much. But it seems I am not ready to let Peeta go.

Darius lets out a resigned laugh.

"He doesn't deserve your love," he says. "I thought I could be that guy you deserved but I can see I am fighting a losing battle. You love him. I only hope he proves himself worthy of you."

My heart aches at his words. This is the type of man I should be with. Someone who puts my needs first and is proud to be called my boyfriend. Not someone who keeps on hurting me over and over again.

But Peeta took my heart a long time ago and I am not even sure if I want him to give it back to me.

Darius leans down to press a soft kiss on my cheek and I give him a regretful smile when he pulls back.

"Goodnight Katniss. At least I can say I tried," he says.

"I'd still like to be your friend," I reply.

Darius smiles at me sadly.

"I think I can handle that," he says.

He gives me a wave goodbye before turning and walking down my steps.

I watch him walk back to his car but when he gets in and tries to turn the key the car spurts and sputters to life for only a moment before it lets out a small puff and the engine goes dead. Darius tries to ignite the ignition again but it refuses to catch. Darius slams his hand against the steering wheel in frustration.

I smile and make my way over to him. I tap the window and gesture for him to wind it down. He looks back at me despondently but rolls down the window.

"I swear this is not a plot to try and get you to invite me in," he says.

I laugh.

"It's late. You won't get AA out now. You can sleep on our couch and call them tomorrow," I say.

Darius smiles at me gratefully.

"This date really couldn't get much worse," he says as he gets out of the car and follows me up the steps. "Promise you won't joke about this with all your friends. I have my dignity to preserve."

I laugh again as I open the door to let us in. I am glad there seems to be no awkwardness between us. He has resigned himself to the fact we will never be anything more than friends.

"You'll make some girl very happy one day. I'm sorry that I am too fucked up for it to be me," I say truthfully.

Darius grins.

"Yep. I definitely pinning all the blame on you when people ask about us," he says playfully.

I smile and shake my head before going off in search for some sheets and pillow for him to sleep in.

* * *

The next morning I get up and offer to make Darius some tea and toast. He stretches out his tired limbs and lets out a loud yawn as he follows me into the kitchen.

"Thanks for the tea. I promise I will be out of your hair soon. Have you ever had such a clingy date as me?" he asks with a grin.

I laugh. Now I know that there is nothing more between us I can relax around him. I can laugh at his jokes and not feel awkward.

"You have been harder to shake off than superglue," I say.

Darius laughs and takes a sip of the tea I have given him. There is a comfortable silence for a moment before Darius starts a story about how a bugular got apprehended by an old lady with a handbag this week.

The AA come and fix his car and I stand outside my door with Darius as we prepare to say goodbye.

"Next time I ask a girl out I'll make sure she isn't in love with another guy," he says with a grin.

"Johanna is available," I say with a suggestive smirk.

Darius laughs.

"Don't tell her this. But she scares me a little. I'm pretty sure she could take me in a fight," he replies.

"She grew up on a farm. She's pretty mean with an axe," I reply with a smile.

Darius gives me one last smile before holding his arms out for a hug.

"Can a guy at least get a pity hug? I need something to get me through this disaster," he says.

"Sure," I reply before stepping into his arms and wrapping my arms around him. I can hear him take an inhale of my scent before he gives me a squeeze and lets me go. I watch him with a smile as he goes back to his car and give him a wave before he drives off.

I pull my cardigan tighter around me as I prepare to go back into the house but as I turn I catch sight of someone standing on the pavement.

I turn to be met with the outraged stare of Peeta as he holds Ivy in his arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for leaving you all on a bit of a cliffhanger last week. I wanted to keep things interesting. I know a lot of people are interested to see how Peeta is going to react. I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Chapter 8

_Peeta_

I see her standing outside her door with a red headed man I have never seen before. He is clearly wearing the same clothes from the night before, a smart blue shirt and chino trousers. He opens his arms to her with a cheeky smile and much to my heart's dismay she smiles back at him and steps into his arms. I watch him squeeze her tight and inhale her scent. She still has a smile on her face as she watches him walk down the steps and drive off in his car.

My heart is ripped out at the sight of it. It feels like she has reached inside, dug her nails in and tore it out of my body where she has proceeded to stamp on it and tear it to shreds. I can't believe she did this to me. I can't believe she has fucked another man behind my back. Fucked him while I was taking care of our daughter.

After the initial shock and betrayal has registered, the anger begins to rise within me. By the time she turns and notices me, she finds me staring with my eyes blazing.

Ivy makes a gurgling noise and I readjust her on my hip. Ivy only makes her betrayal even worse. It is good to know that she can forget her daughter so easily.

Katniss freezes when she sees me and gulps nervously. I don't let go of her gaze as I march along the path, up the steps and push past her into the house. I storm through to the kitchen and place Ivy in her high chair. Katniss follows me wordlessly through with her arms wrapped protectively around her. I give her one hard look before walking past her again and into the living room. Ivy looks confused as she senses the tense atmosphere and lets out a little whimper as Katniss follows me through.

I hate to hear her upset but I won't let her witness this.

I stop in the living room and turn to face Katniss. I can feel my temper rising as the images of her with that guy surface in my head. I picture them rolling about on her bed. Her pinning him underneath her and riding him senseless. Him reaching up to take her nipple in his mouth and her moaning with pleasure. Did he find her sweet spot at the base of her neck? Does he know she likes it when you gently bite down on her nipple? Does he make her come as strongly as I do?

The whole image makes me feel nauseous.

"I see you had fun last night. It is good to know that while I am taking care of our daughter you are out there fucking random men," I say bitterly.

"That's not what happened," she says calmly.

I snort.

"Don't lie to me. Why else would a guy be leaving your house at 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning? Did you get a quick one in before he left?" I say.

"I didn't sleep with him," she replies.

Her eyes have hardened and I can tell she doesn't like to be challenged by me. But I wasn't born yesterday. I recognise a walk of shame when I see one.

"Still lying. Isn't that one of the things you are supposedly trying to work on with your therapist? Stop lying to people. Looks like that money is being well spent. What a good role model you are being for our daughter," I say sarcastically.

Her nostrils flare but she doesn't snap back at me like I am expecting. Instead she closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths.

I am not letting her get away with this. She can't hurt me and Ivy like this and not answer for it.

"I bet he is not even the first. You have probably been sleeping around for months. Sneaking men into your bed whenever I take care of our daughter. And you say Ivy is your top priority," I say.

I register the sound of her hand hitting my cheek before the sting of her slap rises up on my cheek. I raise my hand up to cover the area her hand hit and rub across it. She stands opposite me with a cold stare and her chest heaving slightly.

"How dare you say that. I love Ivy more than anything in this world," she says.

The anger is clear in her eyes. She takes a deep breath before she speaks again.

"You need to leave before I say or do something I will regret later. I need time to compose myself before talking to you again."

I meet her angry stare with one of my own. I have never felt so betrayed by anyone in my life. Not even when she told Madge about our affair.

"I'll leave. But I would appreciate it if you don't invite your men round when Ivy is home. I don't want her getting caught in your affairs," I say before I brush past her and walk out the house.

I get into my car and slam my hands against the wheel in frustration. The pain and anger is still radiating throughout my whole body. I want to scream. Anything to try and work out this frustration.

I bet it is her therapist that is encouraging her to go out and fuck anyone who flashes her a smile. I bet she has painted me as a right monster. Someone who can't be trusted and purposefully goes out my way to hurt her. I bet it is him that is encouraging her to cast me away. Telling her I am not good enough for her.

And that's nothing new. My mother has always been telling me how much I have disappointed her. Not met her expectations. It was only a matter of time before Katniss started to feel the same way. It seems all the women in my life like to tell me how worthless I am to them. Katniss is only the latest woman to reject me.

I need something to clear my head. Or someone. I need someone to pound out all the built up anger. But it is 9.30 on a Sunday morning and the boys are coming round at noon. I don't know where I can find anyone to meet that need.

I end up at a local restaurant where I often take Ivy or the boys for lunch. On Sundays it does a really good brunch and there is always enough pancakes and bacon to please even the fussier eaters of my children.

And there is this waitress there. Her name is Glimmer. She has long blond hair and wears a top that is too tight. She always flashes me a sultry smile whenever I come in and readjusts her blouse to make sure her cleavage is on show.

She is the complete antithesis of Katniss. Shiny and polished and in your face. She is the perfect target for me to work out some of my frustrations.

She is working behind the till when I enter and I saunter up to her with my sexy lopsided smile and lean my elbow against the counter casually. It's been a while since I turned on the charm for a woman but I slip into it easily. She looks up at me with a surprised smile before looking over my shoulder and realising that I have none of my children with me today. Her smiles only widens as she notes this fact and she bends over the counter to give me a perfect look at the exposed tops of her breasts.

I make sure she notices my not so subtle appraisal of her chest and I purposefully lick my lips at the sight. I catch a glimpse of the thin fabric of her bra and smile at the sight. Her breasts have to be fake, something I normally detest, but in this situation I can't find it in myself to care. I give her another smile as I look her up and down and take her all in.

"Can I get you a table, Mr Mellark? Are you eating alone today?" she asks.

I look at her with a sexy grin.

"I was actually looking at something that wasn't on the menu. I wonder if you'd be willing to help me with it," I say dropping the tone of voice an octave lower.

Glimmer blushes and giggles at my words.

This is an act I perfected years ago. It is easy to go to a bar, flash a smile, pay a girl a few compliments and offer to take her home at the end of the night. It was easy to fuck another woman to forget about how I let my mother or my wife down.

Today I can't even be bothered with the foreplay beforehand. I need a fuck badly. And soon. And by the way Glimmer is looking at me I know I won't have to work too hard to get it.

"When do you get off work?" I ask casually leaning forward to run a strand of her hair between my fingers.

She giggles again and I have to stop myself from outwardly cringing at the sound. Katniss is not a gigglier. She either lets out a loud belly laugh or smiles demurely.

But she doesn't want me. She's off fucking other random guys. This girl is here and she is willing to sleep with me.

"Not until 4pm," she replies.

I try not to so obviously deflate. I need her now.

However the waitress leans in closer to me. I can smell her cheap knock off perfume and it makes me want to scrunch my nose.

"But I am due a break in 15 minutes," she whispers in my ear.

My dick perks up at her words. She pulls back and looks at me with a suggestive smile. Her eyes glint with want and need. I smile back at her.

"I'll be waiting outside for you," I reply and her smiles widens.

I give her a coy smile before slowly pulling back and turning to walk out the door. I stop and hold the door open with one hand as I turn back to flash her one last smile. The hunger in her eyes is evident.

Glimmer appears less than 10 minutes later. She pulls me into the side alleyway and pins me against the wall. She runs her hands up and down my chest.

"I've been waiting for you to ask me out for months," she purrs.

The smell of her perfume makes me want to gag. Her fingers drag down my chest too sharply. She smiles up at me sexily as she pushes up on her toes to press her body against my chest. She closes her eyes as she tips her chin up to kiss me.

My hands are on her waist and the angry part of me wants to bend down and kiss her until I forget all about Katniss. But as Glimmer's sticky lips approach mine the image of Katniss holding Ivy adoringly appears in my mind. Their smiles are suddenly all I can see.

Sharply I pull back from Glimmer and remove her off my body. She looks as me confused as I try to put as much distant between us as possible.

What am I doing? Why am I here with her? I don't won't her. I don't care about her. Katniss is the one I love. No matter what I saw this morning I still love her. Fucking Glimmer isn't going to make me feel any better. It's not going to fix things with Katniss. It's only going to push her further into that guy's arms.

"What's the matter? I thought you wanted me?" Glimmer says.

She tries to move closer to me but I just keep walking back from her. I need to get away. This is the last place I need to be.

"I'm sorry," I say as I continue to walk backwards. "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here."

I shake my head as I walk away from her. Glimmer looks incredibly put out and crosses her arms across her chest upset. But I don't care. I can't believe I almost went down that road again.

* * *

I sit despondently in my penthouse as I wait for the boys to come round. I can't believe everything that has already happened today. I thought things were getting better with Katniss. We were speaking normally again. I've tried so hard to focus on my children and prove I am a good father. Have I really lost her to that guy I saw earlier?

I regret seeking out Glimmer. It wouldn't have solved my problems. It would have just left me feeling numb and hollow afterwards. I stopped mindless trysts with woman to prove that I am a good person for her. A good person for my children. But I failed them today. I am pathetic.

Madge arrives with the boys a little after noon. The three older boys come barrelling inside and quickly discard their coats as I force a smile and take Max out of Madge's arms. My mood hasn't improved much since I left the restaurant and I struggle to even get excited about an afternoon spent with my sons. Not when I can't stop thinking about losing Katniss.

But then Max gives me a toothy smile as I adjust him on my hip and some of my despondency disappears. My children are the only thing that can make me forget about my argument with Katniss. So I smile back at Max and plant a soppy kiss on his cheek. Max giggles as he tries to swot me away and Harry and Charlie make noises of disgust.

"That is gross Daddy!" Harry exclaims. "Kissing is disgusting. I am never kissing anyone!"

I turn to look down at my second oldest son with a smile.

"I'll remind you that you said that when you are older," I reply.

Out of the corner of my I eye I see Madge trying to stifle a smile as our son then starts a big long rant about how kissing is the most horrible thing in the world. And he is never having a girlfriend and will never kiss anyone. Ever.

Jamie comes up to me almost shyly as he holds something in his hand. I bend down to his level, Max still in my arms, as I get a closer look at what he has got.

"I made the Millennium Falcon Lego I got for my birthday. Mum didn't even help me at all. I did it all by myself. Look, it even has a mini Hans Solo," he says proudly, shoving the toy in my face.

I smile widely at him as Max reaches out to try and take it off his older brother. I reach out to stop him taking it. It has too many small parts for my liking.

Things have gotten better with Jamie over the last few weeks. The incident with Ivy really scared him and the therapist is helping him sort out his emotions. He's still not completely himself but he is getting there. I always detect a slight hesitation at first whenever I come to pick him up but he normally relaxes and lets me play with him by the end. It is nice to know that this is one part of my life that is getting better.

"That is awesome, Buddy. You'll need to show me how you made it," I reply.

Jamie nods his head eagerly.

"It was easy, Dad. I just had to get this bit and stick it to this one…" he begins.

I smile as I let him prattle on about each step he went through to make the mini space ship.

Harry huffs and puffs in the corner. Bored over the fact I haven't let him run off and play yet. Charlie has busied himself by lining up all my piles of shoes. I smile at the sight and let Jamie finish before straightening up and telling them that I got their toys out in the living room.

Harry immediately darts away and Jamie follows soon after. Charlie looks up, a little confused about where his big brothers have gone before I reach down to take his hand and lead him through.

"Come on, Bud. Let's make sure you brother doesn't hog all the trains off you," I say as I lead him through and place Max on the carpet.

Madge follows through to make sure the boys are all settled and I let out a weary sigh as I try to push the last remnants of my argument with Katniss out of my mind. I need to put it aside to allow myself to enjoy an afternoon with my sons.

Madge notices my weary look and looks at me knowingly.

"What has happened with Katniss now?" she asks.

I turn to her with a confused look.

"Why do you think something has happened?" I ask.

"I can always tell what type of day you had with her depending on your mood when I drop the boys off the next day. If it has been a good day you are practically bouncing off the walls as you chase the boys about. If it has been a bad day you are more subdued. It takes you longer to engage fully with their games," she states.

I frown at her. Am I really that easy to read?

Madge looks at me with a look that says "You know I am right." I sigh as I run a hand through my blond curls.

"She is sleeping with someone else. I saw them together this morning," I reply.

"So? You are not together. Just like us. And yet I don't think you would act this way if I announced I was sleeping with someone else," she replies.

Her words shock me. She sounds like she is defending Katniss. After everything I thought she would have delighted in a chance to lambast Katniss.

"It's different," I say.

Her comments have rattled me and I don't know how to defend myself.

Madge looks back at me sadly.

"Because you don't love me," she replies.

It is not a question. It is a fact. She has come to terms with the fact I fell in love with someone else.

I don't know what to say to her. What can I say but tell her that she is right? That I haven't loved her in a long time.

She smiles at me sadly before looking down at her hands and playing with the strap of her watch.

"It has taken a long time for me to accept that you fell in love with someone else. I don't even think you meant to. But you were with so many other woman one was bound to stick," she says.

I still don't say anything. The boys continue to play and wrestle about on the carpet behind us. Totally oblivious to the serious tone of their parents' conversation.

"That's what hurt the most when I found out about her. That you had actually fallen in love with her. But I can't keep clinging onto that hate. I can't move forward unless I accept the fact it happened. And it is not good for the boys to have me hate you. I may not ever completely forgive you but I can agree to move past it for the sake of them," she says.

I smile at her gratefully. She is a better person than me.

She takes a deep breath and turns slightly in a gesture to go. She pauses by the door as she thinks for a moment.

"You are being a hypocrite over Katniss," she says. I frown at her. "Let me guess. After you saw her with another man you went off to see what bit of skirt you could find?"

I blush and look down at my shoes sheepishly. Once again she has been able to read me so easily. She shakes her head at me.

"I understand that you love her but you are showing it in all the wrong ways. Don't keep hurting her in the same way you hurt me," she says.

I bring my head back to look at her. I am surprised at her defence for Katniss. She has every right to hate her.

Madge gives me a long hard look to tell me that she is being serious before she is convinced I have got the message and she turns to look at the boys over my shoulder.

"Have fun, boys. I'll pick you up after tea," she says.

Harry and Jamie stop their game of Star Wars to turn their heads and wave a goodbye. Charlie drops the toy train he is moving back and forth along the carpet and darts up to run and give her a hug. Madge smiles down at him loving as she strokes the top of his blond hair and tells him she'll see him later.

Max has crawled his way up to me and is playing with my shoelaces so I bend down to scoop him up and lift him up in the air. He giggles as I bring him back down and Madge watches on with a happy smile.

"Don't ignore what I said," she says before blowing the boys one last kiss and sweeping out the door.

Charlie toddles his way over to me and sticks his thumb in his mouth as he wraps his arm around my leg and looks up at me. I smile down at him as Madge's words rattle through my head.

Could I have overreacted earlier with Katniss today?

* * *

I have a good afternoon with the boys. We make Stars Wars ships out of old cereal boxes and toilet rolls and then run about the house with them as we try to escape the evil storm troopers.

I am able to forget Katniss for a brief moment in time.

But after Madge comes back to pick the boys up and Charlie cries a bit at having to leave I am left once again alone with my thoughts. I can't stop my mind from wandering back to what I had seen with Katniss earlier today. And now these images are joined with Madge's words that I am being a hypocrite.

Doubt begins to creep into me as I realise I may not have been entirely fair with Katniss this morning. I was wrong to accuse her of not loving Ivy. I know how much she loves our daughter and is the best mother she can be. It was cruel to insinuaite that her priorities lie elsewhere. No wonder she slapped me.

I could have ruined things for good between us today. If I slept with Glimmer it would have only made things even worse. I don't know how I can make things right between us again.

A little after half 8 the doorbell goes and I answer it to find an angry but composed Katniss on the other side. She waits to be invited in before stepping through my door and walking to the end of the hallway, where she stops, turns and stares at me. I close the door a little nervously before I turn to look at her.

Even though I don't like the thought of her with another man, Madge has helped me feel guilty about the way it all went off this morning. Katniss waits for me to close the door and takes a few steps towards me before she decides to speak. The anger is clear in her eyes and I gulp nervously as a result.

"You are going to let me speak. You are not going to interrupt me until I do thing Dr Aurelius has been telling to do to me for weeks. I am going to tell you exactly how I feel," she says.

I nod my head as I am rendered dumb. She seems very determined.

"First off all you don't get to accuse me and say those things about me. I am a person. The mother of your child and I deserve more respect than that." she states strongly.

I stuff my hands in my pockets and nod my head like a scolded school boy. I was too harsh this morning.

"What do you think Ivy will think when she sees her dad speak to her mother that way? She will think it is okay for any guy to treat her like that. Would you like a man to treat her like the way you treat me?" she says.

I cringe at her words. I don't want Ivy to grow up in a house with arguments. I don't want her to grow up thinking it is okay for a man to shout and accuse her of things. The realisation that I am being a bad role model for her comes crashing over me and makes me feel about 6 inches tall.

Katniss sighs and shakes her head. I am surprised by the calmness in her tone. So often we end up tearing shreds off each other.

"You are being a hypocrite. I went on one date. One date in 8 months. How many women have you slept with since we broke up? I bet you found one today after our little argument. You have always been so predictable in that way," she says.

That is the second time today one of the women in my life has guessed my actions after the argument.

"I didn't sleep with him. His car broke down and he slept on my sofa. I went on one date with him. One date for all the wrong reasons. I went on one date with him to see if I could. If I could go on one date without you," she says.

The anger is gone in her eyes now and there is only pain. Pain over the hurt I have caused her.

Katniss rarely get emotional. I don't even know if I have ever seen her cry but the tears are threatening to fall now. My heart cracks at the sight. Even worse when I know I am the cause of them.

She sniffs loudly and clenches and unclenches her fist to try and compose herself.

"But you will be pleased to know that I couldn't do it. I went on the date and only thought about you. How you would have ordered the duck instead of the steak. How you would have told a different punch line to that joke. How you would have reached across to tuck the strand of hair behind my ear when it fell across my face," she says.

I can see the sadness in her eyes as she tells me this. She knows that she probably shouldn't be in love with me but she can't stop.

"So basically I'm screwed. Because I can't seem to stop loving you and yet I can't be with you while you keep hurting me over and over again," she says.

She sniffs again as she stares back at me sadly. My heart skips a beat as it hears that she still loves me but then splits when it realises that she regrets that she is still in love with me.

For the first time I realise just how much I have hurt her. How I still carry on hurting her. I shouldn't have said those things this morning. I shouldn't have sought out Glimmer. And so many other things I shouldn't have done when we were together.

I have been so focused on my own pain I haven't stopped to consider hers. Just another example of how selfish I have been these last 4 years.

At one time she was just as selfish as me. Just as fucked up as me. But she has changed. The Katniss I knew a year ago wouldn't have been able to come here today and spoken to eloquently and composed as she has today. The old Katniss would have screamed back. Maybe thrown some things at me. But the Katniss that stands in front of me today is calm. Even though she is hurting. Even though she is angry. She's changed so much. I need to change too if I want any sort of chance of being with her again.

"I know I am not perfect. And I have done things to hurt you but I am trying to be a better person. Even though you make that hard for me at times," she says.

She pauses and takes a deep breath before looking back at me again.

"I love you. I keep hoping you are going to wake up one day and acknowledge your issues and change but it's just not happening right now," she says regretfully.

My heart sinks at her words. She sounds like she is giving up on me. I really am losing her. But not because of that guy this morning. Because of me. Because of all the hurtful things I have done to her.

What hurts the most is that I can't even blame her. I haven't treated her well these past few months. Many other woman would have disappeared months ago. I've been awful to her.

We both stare at each other regretfully before Katniss sniffs again and makes a move to leave. I twist my head round as I watch her reach the door and open it. I don't want her to go just yet. I want her to stay so I can try and fix it.

"Katniss…" I call.

She turns to me with an expectant look.

I open my mouth to try and say anything that will make this better. The start of me trying to put things right. But as I do so I realise I don't know how. I don't know how to fix us and be the person she needs me to be.

My mouth hangs opens for a few moments and Katniss waits patiently for a bit to see if I have anything to add but I can't find the words.

She smiles at me sadly.

"Goodbye Peeta. You have Ivy on Tuesday. I'll make sure she is ready when you come round," she says.

And with that she walks out the door and leaves me standing helplessly in my hallway.

I've screwed up more than I realised. I need to make drastic changes if I am going to get her back.

* * *

"So, Mr Mellark, what has brought you here today?"

I take a deep breath as I sit up straighter. The doctor sits opposite me with his pen and paper ready. Ready to note down anything that might help me sort out my fucked up life.

"My life's a complete mess. I'm ready to change but I need help sorting it out," I reply.

The doctor nods his head in understanding.

This is the moment when I finally sort out my life for the better.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So a lot of people were happy Peeta finally accepted help in the last chapter. Everlark still have a long way to go but things are going to start getting better. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 9

_Katniss_

Gale bangs his chest and belches as he lies stretched out along one of my sofas. I scrunch my nose a little in disgust before I get up and begin gathering some of the empty beer bottles that are lying around. Since it is Peeta's Saturday with Ivy, Johanna and I decided to invite Gale and Darius round to watch the rugby. I have taken a lot of stick this afternoon as I have watched my beloved London Irish get beaten by the table topping Saracens.

Johanna and Darius sit next to each other on the other sofa. They seem to be playing a variation of the game slaps and I smile as Johanna finds every opportunity to touch Darius.

Thankfully my disastrous date with Darius hasn't affected our friendship. If anything it has made us better friends. We both know nothing more is going to come of it now. I have been able to relax around him more now that he isn't constantly asking me out on dates. I enjoy having this slightly cheeky and charming guy in my life.

I've noticed that since I blew Darius off once and for all Johanna seems to have taken a keener interest in him. I often come down after putting Ivy to bed to find her curled up on the chair engaged in a long messaging chain with him. She is the first to invite him out when we try to make plans. And she is always touching him.

I've mentioned it a few times to her but she goes all defensive and tells me I must be a moron to think that. That just proves to me that she likes him. She doesn't really do boyfriends. It was one of the reasons we got on so well at uni. But I can tell when there is a guy she really likes. And Gale thinks that Darius is interested after my knock back.

My phone buzzes from its place on the coffee table and I bend down to pick it up. I am slightly disappointed when I see who it is from.

I thought it would be from Peeta. He supports Saracens and normally texts me to boast after his team beats mine. But it is just a message from Prim telling me her exam went well. I sigh as put the phone back on the table.

Gale notices my slight forlorn expression and raises an eyebrow in question at me.

"What's up, Catnip? I know Irish lost but that is not an unusual occurrence for you," he says.

"It's just Peeta. Something is up with him. He's been acting strangely this last month. He hasn't tried anything with me. Actually seems to be respecting my boundaries and only talking to me about Ivy," I say.

I flop down on the sofa beside Gale. Darius turns his attention away from Johanna for a moment to give me a frown.

"And that's bad because…? Isn't that what you wanted him to do?" he asks.

"Yes. But… I…" I begin to say but realise that I don't know how to answer that.

I should be pleased that Peeta finally seems to be taking me seriously. He came round to apologise the day after he saw me with Darius and he actually looked ashamed about how he has treated me. For the first time I believed he was genuine and not trying to play some sort of game. And since then he's been acting differently. There have been no attempts to flirt with me. No attempts to touch me. He doesn't even try to start a conversation with me that isn't about Ivy. He's finally giving me the space I asked him for. I should be happy that he is finally giving me the space that I need.

Johanna looks at me and shakes her head.

"Yes. But you miss having him pay attention to you," she says.

I cringe and look down. That makes me sound so shallow. I'm not a girl that needs male attention to feel good about herself.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I throw my head back against the back of the sofa.

"Why can't I just get over him? Any sane woman would have discarded him long ago," I moan.

Gale turns to me with a sympathetic smile.

"Because you love him and there is part of you that has faith that one day he is going to acknowledge his faults and be the man you need him to be," he replies.

I turn my head to look at Gale and he smiles at me again. I might declare that I want to get over Peeta but deep down I know I don't want to. I still love him.

"When did you get so smart about relationships?" I ask.

Gale grins and shrugs his shoulders.

"Well, now that I am in a loving, caring relationship I guess it makes me an expert over all you pathetic singles," he says with a teasing grin.

Johanna rolls her eyes. Gale has been dating the head of PR at his company, Cressida, for the last 3 months. They are still in that nauseating honeymoon phase and we often find them draped over each other in the pub. But the smile on Gale's face is enough to tell me he is really happy.

"That's the problem with all you smug couples. You think that just because you are currently loved up you have become experts in everyone else's relationships. But the truth is that you have just got lucky," Johanna says.

Gale's grin grows wider as he sits back against the sofa and throws an arm across the back of it.

"I'd be more than happy to give you some advice, Johanna. There are a few things I have noticed that I think could really help you out," he says.

Johanna rolls her eyes again and Gale turns to me with a grin. We both look back over to where Darius is sitting who has gone back to staring at Johanna. We definitely both have some advice for her.

But Johanna isn't biting and she gets up to grab one of the last slices of pizza. Darius is already munching on a bit when a lump of chorizo slides off his slice and rolls down his t-shirt. It leaves a long red stain down his pale blue shirt and he lets out an exclamation of frustration.

"Oh shit! I just bought this t-shirt a week ago," he says.

He hurriedly reaches out to grab a napkin, licks it and tries to rub the stain away.

Johanna watches him with a shake of her head. She reaches out to take the napkin out of his hand and he looks up at her with surprise.

"Take your shirt off. You are just making it worse," she demands.

"You know I could have you done for sexual harassment with that demand," he says with a cheeky wiggle of his eyebrows.

"You would know if I was sexually harassing you. Now stop being a pussy and take your shirt off," she says now reaching for the hem of his shirt.

Darius's hands dart down to clamp over her wrists to stop her removing his shirt.

"Now, just remember I was on holiday recently. I'm still carrying some extra holiday weight," he says.

Johanna scoffs and shakes her head before shaking his hands off her and lifting the shirt over his head. They both stare at each other for a moment before Johanna's eyes dart down to look at his body and she spends a few minutes appraising it.

Darius doesn't have a bad physique. Being in the police force keeps him reasonably fit. He has a light dusting of ginger hairs across his chest and his shoulders are speckled with freckles. His body is not as toned as Peeta's but definitely not shabby.

The corners of Johanna's mouth quirk up into a grin and she reaches out to pat him in the stomach.

"You are not joking, Tubs. If you are the best the London police force has to offer than I am concerned for all our own safety," she teases.

She then rises off the sofa, picking up the ruined shirt and making her way to the kitchen. She stops at the door and turns to Darius with a suggestive smile.

"I could help give you a work out though it you want to lose those extra few pounds," she says.

Darius gives her a cheeky grin in return and jumps off the sofa quickly.

"I'm not sure I could handle your workouts," he replies.

Johanna looks up at him with a sly smile.

"Maybe you will just have to try it out and see," she says before turning back around and walking out the door.

Darius scampers after her like a small child chasing an ice cream van.

Both Gale and I turn to face each other with a grin.

"I bet they are sleeping together by the end of the month," Gale says.

I laugh.

"By the end of the week," I reply with a smile.

* * *

A few days later I sit outside Dr Aurelius's office as I flick absentmindedly through the various magazines they have left on the table. I want to talk to him about Peeta's recent behaviour. It just seems too odd. And it frustrates me that I don't know what has caused it.

The door to Dr Aurelius's office opens and I can hear two men laughing from inside. I freeze at the sound. I can recognise that laugh anywhere. I stare in disbelief at the doorway as I see Peeta emerge from the office with a smile on his face. I am stuck staring at him in shock when he turns and spots me sitting in the chair.

Seeing me catches him off guard too and it takes him a second to compose himself before he gives me a smile and makes his way over to me.

I am still sitting and can only look up at him in disbelief as he gives me a nervous smile.

"Hi, Katniss. I didn't think I would be running into you today," he says.

Words momentarily desert me as I try to get over the shock of seeing him. What is doing here? How long has he been coming here? What has he been talking about? Immediately my defences come up.

"What are you doing here? You know they have a confidentiality agreement. They can't tell you anything I say no matter how much charm or money you throw their way," I say.

He must be here to try and find out about me. Why else would he be here? I had given up hope that Peeta Mellark would go to therapy.

He looks at me regretfully.

"I'm not here to check up on you. I'm here for me. I realised you were right. I have a lot of issues and I need help sorting them out. I need to cleanse my life," he replies.

Cleanse. That is a good word to describe what I am doing. Removing all the toxic elements in my life to rejuvenate it.

"Why?" I ask.

I just can't get my head around the fact that he is here. That he could actually being doing what I have wanted him to do for 9 months.

Peeta looks at me apologetically

"After our last fight I realised how much I have hurt you. I've hurt so many people that I care about and I want to be better for you all," he says.

The hopeful part of me makes my heart flip over the fact that he might be serious about changing. But I have been through too much to not to still be wary.

"I guess for the first time I questioned my decisions. Began to realise that they were not healthy. For the first time I realised how serious you were about changing and I realised that if I don't change too you are going to leave me behind," he says.

I shake my head in disbelief. Can he really be saying what I have been wanting to hear him say? This can't be happening.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.

Peeta smiles sadly at me again.

"I didn't want you to think I was only doing this to try and get you back. I want to show you I am serious about this. I am serious about changing. You wouldn't have believed me if I told you after the first time," he says.

He's right. I don't know if I really believe him now. But he looks so sincere when he is speaking about it. But I can't let myself hope that he is. I can't put my heart through the pain of him dashing my hopes once again.

There is a cough from behind us I turn to find Dr Aurelius looking expectedly at me.

"Are you ready to come in, Katniss?" he asks.

I turn back to look at Peeta again and he gives me a reassuring smile. I stare at him for a few moments trying to piece together everything that has just happened before I turn back to Dr Aurelius in a bit of a daze. I nod my head at him to tell him I am ready before I take a step forward to enter his office.

I turn back once again to look at Peeta. As if to check that he is really here and that I am not just hallucinating him. He stands with a smile on his face as he watches me go in. I step into the office and Dr Aurelius closes the door behind me. I am stuck staring at the dark wood of the door. I can't just forget that Peeta is standing on the other side.

"How are you doing today?" Dr Aurelius asks.

I snap my head round to look at him. Seeing Peeta here has thrown me so much I can't remember what I wanted to talk about today.

"How long has he been coming here?" I ask as I watch Dr Aurelius take his usual seat.

"You know I can't tell you that," he states as he gestures for me to sit.

I shake my head as I try to make sense of it all. I'm too agitated to sit at the moment.

"You should have told me. I have a right to know!" I exclaim.

I'm frustrated. I don't like to be surprised like this.

Dr Aurelius looks at me sympathetically and once again encourages me to sit again. I let out a frustrated sigh before doing as he suggests and taking a seat on the sofa opposite him.

"Therapy is a very private thing. It was up to Peeta when to decide to tell you," he says.

I shake my head again. I feel a bit betrayed by him. He must know all the things Peeta is saying about me. I was the one he was supposed to be helping.

"I should have known instead of being blindsided like that today," I say.

Dr Aurelius studies me for a moment.

"You seem a little angry. Isn't Peeta accepting help one of the things you wanted him to do?" he asks.

I raise my head to look at him. It is a similar question to the one that Darius asked me at the weekend. This is what I wanted. I can't be with him unless he does this. I should be happy.

All his strange behaviour begins to make sense. He's been giving me space because Dr Aurelius has helped him see that we both need it. Therapy is the reason he has stopped trying to push my boundaries.

"I guess I don't want to get my hopes up. It is easy to go on the defence about it because that way I won't be disappointed if we fail again," I say.

Dr Aurelius nods his head.

"We certainly have a lot to talk about today," he replies.

I nod my head in agreement. I need help making sense of this all.

* * *

Later I pick Ivy up from nursery and take her to a baby music class that has just started nearby. My mind is still buzzing from seeing Peeta at Dr Aurelius office today. He texted to apologise about meeting like that today. He told me he had planned to tell me when he felt better about himself and that he is sorry for surprising me today. He's being so sensible about it all. It almost seems to good to be true. I am hoping that an afternoon with Ivy will be enough to distract me from all I have learned today.

I always loved music as a kid and had my own mini keyboards and drums when I was 3. Ivy seems to share my same joy and I often find her bouncing up and down when I leave music playing on the TV.

Ivy's toothy smile is enough to bring me out of my daze as I pick her up from nursery. I am still in shock over the fact Peeta is going to therapy but after talking with Dr Aurelius I realise that Peeta going to therapy is a good thing and if things go well Dr Aurelius will be able to help us together.

I left his office feeling some hope. Hope that things will be good between us again though Peeta needs to sort himself out before we can even contemplate jumping into anything.

I balance Ivy on my hip as I push the door open to enter the small studio where the class is being held. We are running a bit late and the class is about to start. I slip into the back and quickly slip off Ivy's coat. I pull her into my lap as we take a seat and the chirpy blonde instructor stands while raising her hand to gather everyone's attention.

There are about 10 other mums and babies in the room and they all sit in small groups chatting about sleeping patterns and nappy rash. I am probably the youngest mum here by about 6 years. Most of the mums seem to be the slightly older former London professionals who gave up their job to have kids.

Ivy squirms about in my lap as she tries to climb up my body and over my shoulder. I turn her back around and keep a firm grip on her so she doesn't try to escape. She huffs a little before deciding the end of my braid is interesting enough and she begins playing and chewing on the ends of my hair.

The room has all gone quiet now as the instructor waits to introduce herself.

"My name is Bonnie and I am the lead instructor for Rock and Baby Roll," she announces proudly.

I try not to roll my eyes at the cheesy name. The name alone was almost enough to make me not want to sign up.

"We all know babies love to make noise but I am hoping to create an environment where they can do this in a productive way. You never know but we might find a baby Mozart by the end!" she exclaims.

Some of the mums laugh but I wonder if she is this nauseating all the time.

"Okay, to start with we all need to sit in a circle. Keep your babies in your lap!" she announces.

I roll my eyes again as all the mums get up to move out the way to form a circle. I pick up Ivy and she lets out a squeal of protest when I take the ends of my hair off her. The room is quickly forming a circle and I take a breath as I survey the area to find where there is space to sit.

I am looking round the sea of faces when I spot her. As usual her hair is in a sleek blond ponytail without a strand out of place. She wears a navy knee length skirt with a red belt and pristine white blouse. Her son rests on her hip with his head on her shoulder and a thumb in his mouth as he watches the commotion that is going on around him with the same big blue eyes as his father. The same blue eyes of my daughter.

Her eyes catch mine and then widen in surprise when she sees me. I give her a nervous smile back but can't hide my own shock at seeing her here.

What are the chances of Madge and I booking into the same baby music class?

I don't have time to do anything else as Bonnie is instructing everyone to sit down so we can get started. I quickly take a seat in the circle, far away from Madge, before Bonnie begins explaining the first game.

I haven't seen Madge since that day in the café a few days after Ivy was born. Not since I told her I was having an affair with her husband. I know she and Peeta have got a divorce but she is still living in their old house. I don't know if she has had to go back to work or if she knows that Peeta is going to therapy. For a person whose life I have affected so much I really don't know that much about her.

She looks at me briefly before dropping her gaze to look at Ivy. I know she has seen Ivy since that day. Once a month Peeta likes to have all his children together and she must have seen Ivy when she dropped the boys off. I see her survey Ivy's features noting how the blue of her eyes matches that of her sons. How her nose has a little bump just like her dad's.

My eyes drift over to look at Peeta's youngest son, Max. He is going to be a miniature version of his father with his soft downy blond curls and cerulean blues eyes. He is a contemplative child. I can see him staring quietly at the various instruments Bonnie has got out as he tries to work out what they all will do. It is strange to know that he is my daughter's brother but this is the first time I am seeing him. I never imagined a life like this for my child.

Eventually I break my gaze away from him and turn to pay attention to Bonnie. She is explaining a game that involves us all clapping to a beat while we go round the circle and sing our names. Bonnie starts us off and we begin going round the circle as we introduce ourselves and our children.

I don't fully relax in the session as I am fully aware that Madge is here too and probably watching everything I do. I spy her out of the corner of my eye every now and again but she doesn't do anything to acknowledge that I am here.

The session is not bad. Bonnie passes baby shakers around and Ivy has a great time shaking it up and down and making a noise. She waves the tiny egg shaker in the air and giggles when she hears the sound. I smile down at her and take hold of her hand so she can shake it in time with the music. I can see that Madge has to give Max a lot more encouragement to shake his own shaker. He seems more content to just sit and stare at it.

The session ends with all the mums singing _Old Macdonald had a farm._ Some of the older children join in with various noises that don't sound anything like farm animals. Bonnie stands with a big smile and tells us she hopes to see us all next week before she dismisses us.

The mums all get up and many stand about chatting and laughing with each other as they talk about the best parts of the session. I see that Madge is not talking to anyone as she pulls on Max's jumper.

I decide I can't just pretend she is not here. And if we are both going to be here every week I better do something to make it less awkward. I pick up Ivy abruptly and she squeals as she drops an egg shaker on the ground and I make my way through the crowd to Madge.

She pauses when she sees me standing in front of her and I give her a nervous smile.

"Hi. Small world that we both end up here," I say.

Madge picks up Max and his head resumes its position on her shoulder. She doesn't say anything but nods her head in answer to my question. She stares at me waiting to see if I will say anything else. I realise that I am probably the one that needs to reach out.

"I want to say I am sorry about everything I did. I was really selfish before I had Ivy and I didn't stop to think how my actions were affecting you and your sons. Now that I have Ivy I realise just how hurtful I was to you," I say.

I probably should have apologised long ago. But I never found the right opportunity before. Madge nods her head again before she takes a deep breath.

"I made a promise to myself after Peeta started those joint play dates that I wouldn't hate you anymore. If our children are going to be part of each other's lives we need to be able to be civil to each other," she says.

I nod my head relieved that she seems to be accepting my apology.

"I agree," I say. "It is what is best for them. Maybe it is a good thing that Ivy and Max will get to spend this time together each week. I would like her to know her brothers."

Madge nods her head again and looks at me for a long moment. I shift awkwardly on my feet under her scrutiny.

"I keep wondering what makes you different. He's changed this last month. For you. I have never seen him try so hard to be better. He's actually acknowledged his flaws for the first time and trying to fix them," she says.

Her words shock me. I wasn't expecting to hear that. She must know about the therapy then but I didn't expect her to credit me for it.

"Whatever you did to make him seek help, I'm glad. It will make him a better person and a better father for my sons. I can never be your friend but maybe you are what he needed to change. I certainly couldn't do it," she says.

I smile at her gratefully.

"I really am sorry for all the hurt I caused you and your sons," I say again.

"I believe you and it takes a lot of guts to admit that," she says.

"Even more to accept it," I point out.

In this whole mess she has proved to be the strongest person out of the 3 of us. She doesn't have to treat me civilly but she does because she is a genuinely good person.

She smiles at me gratefully before bending down to pick up her bag and throw it over her shoulder.

"I guess we'll see each other next week," she says.

I smile and nod my head as she gives me a small smile and moves past me to go out the door.

I admire her for holding herself so well throughout this whole thing. She could have shouted and screamed at me and refused to forgive me but she decided to take the high road. For her sons. She is too good of a person to be treated the way she has been. In another life I could imagine that we could have been friends. But to even have her treat me civilly is probably more than I deserve.

* * *

Johanna is sitting in the living room reviewing a medical journal when Ivy and I get in. I place Ivy down on the ground and take off her coat before she crawls towards the pile of toys in the corner. Johanna looks up from her journal with a smile.

"How did the music class go? Do we have the next Beethoven amongst our midst?" Johanna asks with a grin.

I laugh as I take off my own coat and drape it over the back of the chair.

"Maybe more of a Kylie Minogue instead of a classical genius," I reply.

Johanna chuckles before she notices me wearily sitting down on the chair.

"God, you look like shit," she exclaims.

"Thanks for sugar coating it," I reply before pausing to take a breath. "I saw Peeta today."

Johanna scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.

"Where? It was not his day to see Ivy," she says.

"At Dr Aurelius's office," I say with a disbelieving shake of the head.

Johanna's eyes widen.

"What was he doing there?" she asks.

"Apparently he has been going to therapy. I still don't know if I quite believe it," I reply.

Johanna lets out a low whistle in disbelief. There is a clatter as Ivy bangs one of her blocks against the TV stand. I move to take the block off her and gently scold her. She whimpers a little bit but then something shiny takes her interest and she sets off to crawl off to get it.

I remain sitting on the floor to keep an eye on her as I look back up at Johanna.

"And then to top the day off Madge and Max are in the same music class with us," I says.

Johanna laughs and shakes her head.

"Only your life could play out like this. They have more believable storylines in _Coronation Street_," she replies.

I roll my eyes. My life may be messed up but it is not as bad as that TV soap.

"I apologised to her and she was actually nice to me," I say. "She said she was glad that I have been able to convince Peeta to change. That she hasn't seen him try so hard to better for someone."

I turn back my attention to Ivy who is busy playing with the shiny thing. Madge's words have been playing in my head. She is obviously convinced that he is serious about changing. Why I am so reluctant to accept it?

Johanna notices my contemplative stare and clears her throat to grab my attention. I turn back to look at her.

"Look, I'm not Peeta's biggest fan and I think you could do a lot better but if he is really is going to therapy that's a big fucking deal. I literally never expected it to happen so that is a big step for him. Just be carefully, okay? I don't want to see you hurt again," she says.

I nod my head.

"I know. I am being careful. He needs to sort himself out first. He has to do a lot more to make me even contemplate going there again," I reply.

Johanna gives me a satisfied nod of the head but watches me carefully. Of course I expected her to be wary. She'll do anything to make sure I don't get hurt again.

"He has a lot of issues. His mother screwed him up as bad as yours did so just take your time. But if turns out that he is serious about the therapy there may be some hope for you two. You must believe he can change or you wouldn't still be in love with him," she says.

I really want to believe it. I want to believe he can change and be good for me and Ivy. I want to believe that we can still have a healthy and stable relationship. I just have to be careful. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes. Only time will tell if we can achieve it.

I turn to look back at Ivy and find she is still playing with the shiny thing. I frown when I realise I don't know what it is and I reach over to take it off her.

However when I do, I smile as I recognise what it is. I turn back to Johanna holding the watch by the end of one strap.

"Care to explain to me why Ivy is playing with Darius's watch? I cleaned this room yesterday and the watch definitely wasn't here then," I say with a knowing smile.

Johanna opens her mouth but struggles to find the words. I laugh at having caught her out. It seems I wasn't wrong about the two of them ending up in the same bed by the end of the week. Or, as this evidence suggests, that they didn't even make it that far before stripping each other naked.

Johanna sees my amusement and scowls.

"Oh shut up, Brainless. You had your chance," she says before snatching the watch off me and turning her back to me.

I laugh again and am glad that one of us has an uncomplicated relationship.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks to everyone that is still reading and enjoying the story. We're now reaching the happier times of the story. Everlark still have a lot of issues to sort out but things are getting better. Hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Chapter 10

_Peeta_

My phone buzzes with a new message as I get out of my car and walk the short distance to my weekly appointment with Dr Aurelius. It is a message from Katniss reminding me to pick up Ivy's birthday cake on the way back from my appointment. I put my phone back into my pocket as I look both ways and cross the street.

The British summer has finally decided to arrive and I am glad for the blast of air conditioning when I enter the reception area. My pale blue suit shirt sticks to my body and I raise my arm and take a quick sniff to ensure I don't smell too bad. Satisfied I don't smell like a 13 year old boy I smile warmly at the receptionist and take a seat in the waiting area. I take out my phone and type out a quick reply to Katniss.

We are slowly getting to a place where we can trust each other. Well at least trust each other enough to pick up birthday cakes.

It has almost been painfully slow trying to get to a better place for the two of us. Katniss, understandably, was a bit wary of my motives at first but I've done enough these past 3 months to prove to her I am serious about changing. But it is hard. Harder than I thought. I am just not used to being patient with women. I am having to undo almost 30 years of bad habits. Habits I didn't even realise I had until I started speaking to Dr Aureilus. But therapy has made me see just how messed up our relationship was. We need to go back completely to square one.

As I put my phone back in my suit pocket Dr Aurelius opens the door and welcomes me in with a smile. I return it and get up to follow him in.

I have gotten over any wariness I felt towards him at the beginning. At the start my pride stopped me from opening up to him fully. I could hear my mother's voice in the back of my head telling me how pathetic and useless I am for having to see a therapist. Real men don't need to talk about their feelings. And I was worried that Dr Aurelius would force his opinions on to me. But I realised quickly he isn't here to judge me. He is an ally in my mission to become a better person.

We start off as usual with Dr Aurelius asking me how my week has been and I tell him about the preparations for Ivy's birthday this weekend. As part of a joint exercise Dr Aurelius suggested that both Katniss and I plan the party together. It's forced us to work together amicably and to trust each other enough with small tasks. It has gone remarkably well and we have both been able to work together without any arguments or further agendas.

"I just can't believe that she is turning 1 already. You would think I would have got used to them growing up so fast with the boys but it still surprises me," I say.

Dr Aurelius smiles and nods his head knowingly. From the pictures on his desk I have deduced that he has 2 young daughters of his own.

"Is it a good surprise?" he asks.

I pause to think for a moment. There are lots of emotions whenever your child has a birthday. Sadness. Joy. Worry. Excitement. It is hard to pick one overriding one.

"It is mainly happiness. Happiness that she has grown up a year happy, healthy and safe. But Ivy's birthday also marks a year since I lost control of my family. A year since everything fell apart," I reply.

Another nod from Dr Aurelius.

"We've talked about how bad that control was. How it is a good thing Katniss forced your hand slightly," he says.

I sigh and lean back into the sofa. I nod my head wearily.

"I know. I know I wouldn't have been a good father for any of my children if I had carried on keeping Ivy secret. But this year has been hell. And most of it is my own doing. I just want to move on from it and start afresh," I say.

"That sounds like a good idea. Instead of seeing Ivy's birthday as the anniversary of where it all went wrong maybe you should see it as a start of a new year. A year where you work hard to be a better person for your children and their mothers," he says.

I contemplate his words. Dr Aurelius has really helped me these past few months to turn negative experiences into positive ones. A bad experience can be okay if you learn from it. That is what I am trying desperately to do.

"That makes sense," I reply. "A new year and new resolutions."

Dr Aurelius smiles at me proudly.

"I want you to think about the things you really want to achieve this year. And I don't want to see get Katniss back on that list. Think about things you can do that show your growth as a person," he says.

I nod my head contemplatively as my brain begins to whir with all the things I want to achieve. The new year idea has got me thinking proactively again. Given me hope that this year can be better than the last one.

* * *

Afterwards I get a call from my dad asking about Ivy's birthday. He's been a bit more accepting of her birth than Mum has been. He's even planning on coming to her birthday party on Saturday. I am really happy that some of my family are supporting me but I am little nervous about him meeting Katniss for the first time. He loved Madge and even though he never said it I knew he was disappointed that my marriage with her ended. While my mum is predictable in her behaviours and actions my dad is a lot harder to read and I am not quite sure how he will react to seeing the woman that ended my marriage.

"I can't wait to see the little cutie again. She has a smile that lights up the sky!" Dad exclaims.

I laugh. Dad has come to see Ivy a few times and fell in love with her at the first meeting. I think with so many boys in the family he is delighted to have a little girl to spoil.

"Doesn't she know it. She has already figured out smiling is the easiest way to get something out of me. One look at it and I am goner," I reply.

"You have always been a sucker for a pretty smile. Often to your own detriment," Dad chuckles.

I relax at hearing him joke about my past. He has been supportive of me seeking help and knows I am trying hard to eradicate that aspect of my life. If he can joke about it I know it means he doesn't hold it against me.

"I'm really glad that you are coming to the party on Saturday. I know I haven't made it easy for you all the last year. I really appreciate your support," I say.

I can almost imagine my dad smiling down the phone.

"The whole family took the divorce hard. We all loved Madge. The problem was you loved her the least. But Ivy is family too. And I will love her the same as all of my other grandchildren," he says.

I thank him before I hear a noise from the other end of the phone. Dad must pull the phone slightly away from his ear as he voice is more muffled as he speaks to the other person who must have just entered. I can hear him huffing through the phone and a few terse words from the other person. I frown as I try to work out what is going on.

Eventually Dad comes back to the phone and I can hear the agitation in his voice.

"Your mum has just come in. She wants to talk to you," he says.

Immediately I tense. I have severely limited my interaction with my mum these past few months. She so rarely has anything nice to say to me.

It quickly became very apparent in therapy that Mum was the root of a lot of my problems. She never showed me any love as a child. She even refused to come to my year 1 Christmas nativity because I didn't land the part of Joseph.

She has always been the first person to point out my failings and belittle my achievements. My self esteem when it comes to women has been severely affected as a result.

I realised a few weeks ago that I sought out woman to try and replace the love I never got from her as a child. That's why I lost my virginity at 14. Had numerous one night stands. Started affairs. I quickly equated sex to love. I used sex to make up for all the times my mother wasn't there for me.

I have patterns. Patterns I didn't realise I had until Madge and Katniss pointed them out to me. My mother is the main one. Whenever she has particularly demoralised me I seek out a woman's comfort. It was no coincidence that the only times I turned up at Katniss's flat unannounced were the times after I had encountered my mum.

I have grown even more bitter towards Mum as a result. I blame her for many of the bad things in my life. Dr Aurelius is working hard with me to try and not hate her for it. Hating her won't make me any better. The doctor talks about me taking ownership of my actions. He says that while my mother was a contributing factor to my decisions she is not the one to blame. I made those decisions on my own. But it is hard when my eyes have been opened to just how much her actions have affected me.

I grit my teeth together as I hear Dad pass the phone to her and wait for her to speak.

"Your father says that you are hosting a party for that little brat of yours," she says.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I answer her. It amazes me how derogatory she can be about Ivy. Ivy has been defenceless in this whole situation.

"If you refuse to call my daughter by her name I will end this call right now," I say.

She scoffs on the other end of the line.

"Yes, well your father says he is going though I don't really know why," she says.

"Ivy is his grandchild. You should want to come too," I reply.

"I'm very busy at the moment. And I don't see the point of celebrating the birth of the child that broke up your marriage," she says.

I let out a weary sigh. She never changes.

"I'm not talking to you when you are like this. You can come to the party if you want but I am saying goodbye to you now. I might see you on Saturday," I say before hanging up the phone.

I don't hold my breath that she will be making an appearance.

* * *

The sun shines and the bees are out on the day of Ivy's birthday party. Katniss is hosting a small gathering of our friends and family in her back garden. I have been put in charge of the barbeque and cake and make sure to carry the cake box carefully as I make my way up the steps to her house.

Katniss greets me with a warm smile as she opens the door. She wears a deep green summer dress with flip flops and her hair is down in messy waves. My heart skips a beat at the sight of her with a joyous sparkle in her eyes.

"Thanks for picking up the cake. I have to say, I have been dreaming about the creaming icing on it for a week now," she says.

She then leads me through to the kitchen and shows me where to put the cake down. I grin at her response. I have never seen anyone so slim eat so much junk food.

"I made sure to request extra icing just for you," I reply.

Katniss turns to me with a grin before she peeks inside to take a look at the cake. It is a traditional pink bunny cake with full rosy cheeks and big cartoon eyes. She smiles at the sight before pulling back up and closing the box lid securely.

"It's perfect. Thank you. Ivy is going to love it," she says.

I smile back at her before stuffing my hands in my pockets and looking round the room.

"Where is my Little Bug anyway? I want to give her a big birthday kiss and cuddle," I exclaim.

Katniss grins before moving round past me and gesturing for me to follow her through to the garden.

"She's with Prim. You might have to wrestle Ivy off her. She has barely let go of her since she got down 2 days ago," Katniss replies.

"I can't have that. I'm the only one that is allowed to spoil our little girl," I say with a cheeky grin.

Katniss turns to roll her eyes at me. Ivy is fast becoming a Daddy's girl. I find it very difficult to tell her no when she turns to me with her big blue eyes and smile.

"I am blaming the two of you for the fact she doesn't understand the word no," Katniss replies as she pushes open the door to the back garden.

The garden has been set up simply with a few tables and chairs. There are pink and white balloons stuck to the fencing and a big Happy Birthday banner slung across the door. Katniss didn't want to go over the top for a birthday party Ivy is not even going to remember in a few months time.

I see Johanna ordering the red headed guy I wrongly assumed slept with Katniss to put up some helium balloons on the gate. She huffs at him as he seems more preoccupied with inhaling the helium and singing in funny voices. I give them both a polite smile as I step into the garden but my eyes immediately search for my daughter.

Prim has Ivy sitting in the small paddling pool that I know Katniss bought for her birthday. Prim has filled it with bubbles and Ivy sits amongst them all shrieking and laughing as she tries to catch the bubbles Prim blows in her direction.

However she turns her head when she hears Katniss and I enter and her eyes immediately widen in excitement. She gets up a little unsteadily onto her feet and tries to clamber over the low edge of the inflatable pool.

My smile widens once I see her and I bound over. I drop to my knees beside the pool and put my hands out to steady her as she tries to lift her leg up onto the pool ledge.

"Dada!" she exclaims and my smile only grows bigger.

"Hey, Bug. Happy Birthday! I see you are enjoying Mummy's pool," I say.

Katniss has followed behind me and she too drops to her knees and reaches out to sweep off a strand of wet hair that has gotten stuck to the side of Ivy's face.

"She's refused to get out since we blew it up! Your little fingers have become like prunes!" Katniss exclaims as she tickles our daughter's fingers.

Ivy giggles before she tries to reach further over the edge of the pool to me.

"Do you want to get out?" I ask her. "I see you have a brand new swimming towel as well. You are a lucky girl!"

Ivy shrieks again as I reach over to grab hold of the _Finding Nemo_ towel and wrap her in it as I lift her out of the water. I lay her across my lap and tickle her belly as I dry off the excess water and her laughter only grows as I cocoon her in the towel and set her in my lap. Both Katniss and her sister look on at us both fondly.

"Auntie Prim gave her the towel and the bubbles. Bubbles and water are your favourite things aren't they, Bug?" Katniss says as she reaches out to tickle Ivy's feet.

Ivy squeals again and I bend down to nuzzle my nose into the side of Ivy's head and plant a kiss there.

"That's not true, is it, Ivy? Daddy is your favourite thing in the whole wide world!" I exclaim.

Ivy squeals again as I plant lots of kisses on the side of her head and Katniss laughs as she watches us.

"Be careful what you say Ivy. I am the one that feeds you Kinder chocolate," she says before bending down and joining if with the kisses that I am giving.

Ivy's giggles only grow louder and I spy Prim watching us with a smile on her face. I have meet Katniss's sister on several occasions now and she's slowly accepted me as a presence in her sister and niece's life. Just like Johanna, she is fiercely protective over her big sister and was quite stand offish with me when we first meet. So I have had to work hard to gain her trust as well as Katniss's. I think it is moments just like this one, where I am playing and being silly with Ivy, which has allowed her to soften towards me. Although she still watches me carefully to ensure I don't do anything to hurt her sister and niece again.

Eventually Katniss and I both stop smothering Ivy in kisses but Prim still has that smile on her lips.

"You guys can be so dorky at times. Ivy is lucky to have parents that love her so much," she says.

Katniss smiles gratefully before Prim turns her attention to Darius and Johanna who are still bickering about the balloons.

"Peeta, I will let you have some family time while I go and sort out the potato salad. Remember Johanna and Darius are just over there so you can't get up to too much mischief," she says with a pointed look.

The look clearly says "Don't get up to anything improper" before she gets up to leave and strolls into the house leaving me alone with Katniss and Ivy. Katniss smiles at me shyly.

"I'm sorry about her. She doesn't trust me around you," she replies.

"I don't trust myself around you either," I reply with a smile.

This comment relaxes Katniss and she lets out a light laugh before sitting back on her hands and watching as Ivy struggles to get out of her towel to try and reach one of her rubber ducks that are on the ground.

Things between Katniss and I are getting better. Dr Aurelius finally made me see why she wanted that space from me. It is to give us both a bit of perspective on our relationship. Give us both time to really think about what it is we both want from each other. For me it was to give me time to realise how I have treated her badly and what I can begin to do to make things right.

This has essentially meant we have gone back to the beginning. After the initial separation where we only talked about Ivy we have begun to form a tentative friendship. There was so much we didn't learn about each other the first time. We were too busy finding the best opportunities to fuck behind Madge's back. For the last 2 months we have started with the simple things. Favourite colour. Tea preferences. The first CD we ever bought.

Some things we knew already but lots we did not. Slowly we have moved on to bigger things. Family. Goals for the year. Slowly we are beginning to laugh with each other again. Slowly we are beginning to trust each other.

The hardest thing is knowing I have no claim over her. Previously I had always thought of her as mine. But I know now she is not some property that can be claimed. I have to clamp down on any jealously I feel when I see her talking to another man. Even still with Darius. Even though I know he is dating Johanna and completely smitten with her I still get a surge of jealously whenever I see him make Katniss laugh.

I want more. My heart still stops when I sees her. A warm feeling spreads across my chest when I see her playing with Ivy. She still has the ability to make all the hairs on my arms stand on end when she gets too close.

But I know we are not ready for more. Still not enough trust.

There is a loud clanging noise and a few choice curse words thrown Darius's direction as he knocks over the helium tank. He looks sheepishly at Johanna as she rants at him for acting like a child.

Ivy turns towards the direction of the noise and frowns at the display. Katniss turns to me with a laugh.

"I think I better go and save Darius before Johanna chops off his balls. You okay with Ivy?" she asks.

Finding Johanna and Darius of no further interest Ivy turns back around and crawls out of my lap in search of the duck. I pull the towel off my lap and smile back at Katniss.

"Go and save him. I've seen Johanna when she is angry. She's pretty scary," I reply.

Katniss laughs before she gets up off the ground.

"Why do you think we have an axe in the shed?" she says with a cheeky grin.

I laugh as Katniss makes her way over to Johanna and Darius to try and calm her housemate down.

* * *

I have just started the barbeque when Madge arrives with the boys. I was pleasantly surprised she agreed so easily to let them come but she has made a real effort the last couple of months to not act bitter about Katniss and Ivy when the boys are around.

I think it has helped that she and Katniss went to the same baby music class with Max and Ivy. I don't think they were friends but they were both polite to each other and it helped them all get used to each other.

Harry and Jamie come charging over with their water pistols and swim shorts as they demand my attention.

"Is it okay that we brought our water guns, Dad? Mum says it was okay if we didn't shoot at the babies," Harry jabbers away excitedly. He is practically bouncing up and down on his feet.

I turn to look at my sons. Madge has made her way over carrying Max and Charlie follows closely behind clutching a small shark toy. Harry and Jamie both wear brightly coloured swim shorts and sunglasses as the clutch water pistols half the size of them to their chests. I smile brightly at them all.

"Only if you are careful. No shooting each other in the face," I say as a warning.

"We won't, Dad," Jamie replies before turning to his brother. "Come on, Harry. I'll give you a 5 second head start and then I am coming to get you!"

Harry nods his head eagerly before scampering off to hide and Jamie dutifully counts to five before running off after him.

Charlie reaches his arms out for me and I bend down to pick him up.

"Look, Daddy! I brought Sharky to the party!" he exclaims as he waves the shark toy in my face.

"Wow, Bud! He looks pretty scary!" I exclaim.

"Don't worry, Daddy. He is a friendly shark. He only eats carrots," Charlie replies matter of factly.

I smile at my son's simple logical. Max is squirming out of his mum's grip so Madge sets him down and he begins inspecting a dandelion that is growing in the grass. He picks the leaves and inspects them carefully. He puts one in his mouth but immediately scrunches his face in disgust and spits it out. He splutters for a few moments before standing turning and finding a daisy to occupy him.

Katniss has spotted that Madge and the boys have arrived. She gives me a tentative smile before turning back and talking to her friend Gale.

She's met all the boys briefly once when she dropped off Ivy but this is the first time she will have to spend any length of time with them. I can tell she is a bit nervous about how the boys are going to react to her. But both Jamie and Harry are too busy spurting each other with water to take any notice of her now.

I turn back to Madge with a grateful smile.

"Thanks for bringing them. It means a lot to me. I really want them to have a relationship with their sister," I say. "You are more than welcome to stay."

Madge gives me a small smile before she turns round to look at who else is at the party. She double checks that Harry and Jamie aren't up to too much mischief before turning back round to face me.

"As hard as I am trying to be civil to you I think attending your daughter's birthday party is pushing things," she says. "Plus I feel old here."

I laugh and nod my head. With Katniss being 13 years my junior most of her friends are in their mid twenties. Along with Finnick, her mum and her Aunt Effie we are the only ones old enough to remember a time without internet and computers.

Madge looks around the garden once again.

"It is strange. A year ago I thought we were a happily married couple. Maybe not happy but comfortable. So much is different now," she says.

I smile sadly at her.

"You deserve a better man than me," I say.

Madge smiles.

"I hope so," she says. "Enjoy the party. I'll pick them up at 6."

I thank her and watch her walk out the door. At least we are in a better place than we were in a year ago.

Finnick sidles up beside me and offers me a cold beer. I smile at him gratefully before putting Charlie back on the ground and accepting the beer. I catch Katniss staring at me as I turn back around. She looks away quickly with a blush on her cheeks. I get the feeling that she watched more of my conversation with Madge than she would care to admit.

The party goes really well. My sons have gotten used to Ivy now and treat her like they would any younger sibling. Max and Ivy play peacefully together in the small paddling pool as they blow bubbles at each other.

The boys don't even seem to mind Katniss too much. Jamie stays away from her, eyeing her suspiciously as he plays with his brother, but he doesn't treat her badly. His younger brothers even go up to speak to her. Harry talks her ear off as he tells her all about the mini beasts he has been learning about at school and Charlie squeals with delight as Katniss squirts him with water in the paddling pool. Seeing my family so happy and getting along is more than I could have hoped for.

I was a little nervous about how Katniss's friends and family would treat me at the party. Apart from Johanna, Darius and Prim I had never met any of them and after the way I treated her they have every reason to hate me. But everyone has been surprisingly pleasant and welcoming. Darius and Gale even end up playing with Jamie and Harry as they chase my sons round the garden with water guns. My 2 oldest sons think there are no two people cooler on the planet.

It makes me sad that I have lost so many of my own friends. The only person I felt comfortable enough to invite is Finnick. And even then Annie still refuses to come. I guess my crime is a harder one to forgive.

"Katniss has some pretty great friends. That Johanna is hilarious," Finnick says as he hands me another beer. "Though it seems a life time ago that we were that young and carefree."

I nod my head as I take the beer off him. Most of Katniss's friends don't have the responsibility of wives, kids and mortgages to worry about. They are all about living in the moment. Both Finnick and I don't have that luxury.

"How's things going with you and Annie? How's IVF?" I ask.

Finnick sighs as he takes a sip of his drink. They discovered that Annie has ovulation problems and are unlikely to conceive a child naturally. They are now in the process of going through IVF treatment. I hope it works. If anyone deserves kids it is Finnick. I've seen him with all of my children and know he will make a great father one day.

"We have our first round booked for next week. I just hope it goes well. I never expected getting pregnant would be this tiresome. All charts and test tubes. I thought making a baby was suppose to be fun," he says.

I smile and put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

"Obviously you are just not doing it right. I can give you a few tips," I joke.

Finnick gives me a friendly nudge and I quickly change the subject to something lighter. I know how much not giving Annie a child pains him.

As I do I catch sight of my dad walking through the door. I smile broadly at him as he enters before I set off to greet him. Katniss has gone over a little nervously with Ivy to introduce herself and my dad smiles warmly at them both. However just as I am about to reach them I pull up short when I see who is with him.

Standing behind him, wearing a pristine white Channel dress and large sunglasses, is my mother.

She scrunches up her nose in disgust when she catches sight of Katniss and Ivy and Katniss shifts awkwardly under the intensity of the stare. Mum turns round and sees me as I approach

"Mum!" I say surprised. "I didn't think you would make it."

I step forward to press a kiss to her cheek and she gives me a tight smile before moving her sunglasses to the top of her head.

"Your father persuaded me. I thought I better see what type of place my granddaughter is living in," she says as she scans the garden.

A look of disapproval sets into her features as I see her making a mental list of all the things wrong with Katniss's house.

I push that aside and smile warmly at her before turning to Katniss and taking Ivy out of her arms.

Whatever her reasons for being here the little boy inside of me is happy that she is taking an interest. Even admitting that Ivy is her granddaughter. This is a big step for her.

"Well I'm glad you came. I'd like you to meet Ivy. And this is her mother, Katniss" I say gesturing to first Ivy and then Katniss. "Ivy this is your Granny Mellark."

Ivy stares at my mum warily. Mum has never been a baby person and she studies my daughter for a long moment.

"It's a shame she's inherited your nose. I keep telling you it can be fixed with a bit of plastic surgery," she eventually says.

Katniss scrunches her eyebrows up at the thinly veiled insult. Dad chuckles nervously and tries to divert Mum's attention.

"Why don't we get a drink? You were complaining how hot it is," Dad says turning Mum slightly. "Is that drinks over there?"

I nod and decide to take them over to pour them some drinks. Maybe alcohol will loosen Mum up a little.

I hand Ivy back to Katniss and she looks at me shocked by my mother's reaction. I smile sadly at her before turning my mum and leading her to the drinks table. Finnick does a great job of distracting her when we come over.

I slip away from her soon after. In a space of 5 minutes at the drinks table she found time to insult Katniss's house, bemoan the fact I was no longer married to Madge and belittle the latest client list I have managed to secure for my company.

While Dad makes an effort to talk with some of Katniss's friends and family as well as play with Ivy in her paddling pool. Mum stands at the side with a look of superiority and disgust. My initial and childish hope that maybe she was willing to accept my choices is squashed.

I seek refuge in the kitchen, pretending to organise the leftovers and avoid the woman who makes me feel so small. Katniss comes in shortly after and sets an empty bowl down on the kitchen island.

"I always wondered what she was like. What type of person could make her son feel so small?" she says as she moves up beside me.

I turn to look at her helplessly and her silver eyes shine up at me with sadness and sympathy.

She is barely a breath away from me. I don't think she realises how close she is. It would be so easy to reach down and kiss her. Help me forget how insignificant my mother makes me feel. And I know she has a weakness for seeing me in pain. It is what the old Peeta would do. The old Peeta would fuck her against the counter and then walk out pretending nothing had happened.

But I can't do that. I won't do that to her. It would put us back to square one. As much as I want to reach out to her, I can't. It has to be a habit that I break.

I smile at her gratefully and take a step back from her. I can see the slight surprise in her eyes when I do so.

"Now you understand why I am so fucked up," I say with sad smile.

Katniss shakes her head fiercely.

"You are not as bad as she makes you think. I can see how hard you have worked these last 4 months. If you were really the person she says you are you would have been too weak to have made changes in your life," she says.

Her tone surprises me. Strong. Believing. I smile at her gratefully.

"I don't feel strong," I admit.

Katniss smiles at me sympathetically.

"You should talk to her. Ask why she treats you the way she does. Dr Aurelius encouraged me to do it with my mum and it really helped me understand her better. I have been able to move on and forgive her," she says.

"But your mum was willing to admit her mistakes. Can you see my mum doing that?" I reply.

Katniss shrugs and moves to pick up a box of ice cream cones.

"Maybe not. But maybe if you tell her how you feel she'll begin to understand her mistakes," she says.

She gives me an encouraging smile as she turns to take the ice cream cones outside. I am left standing alone in the kitchen contemplating her words.

* * *

I hardly speak to Mum before she decides she has had enough and forces Dad to leave. Ivy frowns when the man that had been blowing bubbles for her is forced off his feet and marched towards the door. Prim immediately distracts her by picking up the bubble wand and resuming the game my dad has to abandon.

I follow my parents back inside and Dad announces he is going to use the toilet before leaving. Mum and I stand silently in the hallway for a moment while we wait for him to come back.

Mum busies herself by scrutinising Katniss's hallway and I shake my head at her.

"Is anything ever good enough for you?" I ask.

Mum is surprised by my comment and snaps her head back around.

"Not everyone disappoints me as much as you," she replies.

"Tell me then. What could I have done to be the perfect son for you? I've made many mistakes in my life but I disappointed you long before then," I say.

"You humiliated me. I prided myself amongst my friends as being the only person to have none of her children divorced but you had to ruin that statistic," she replies anger rising a little in her voice.

I let out a disbelieving laugh.

"You are so self centred. Doesn't matter I put my family through hell. God forbid that I humiliate you. I am surprised that you didn't enjoy it. You love any opportunity to tell your friends how much of a failure I am," I reply.

"Don't be so stupid and petty. I don't enjoy having a son that disappoints me time and time again. Sometimes I wish I had stopped after two children. That way I wouldn't have to deal with your rubbish," she snarls.

I feel like I have been shot. All the breath goes out of me. I always suspected that she never really loved me but to hear her almost confirm it is hard.

The flush of the toilet breaks our attention away from each other and Dad comes out of the toilet. He has a smile on his face at first but this soon falls when he sees the tense look between Mum and me.

He clears his throat and Mum turns her back to me to face the door.

"Thank you for having us. It was nice to finally meet Katniss and Ivy is a real charmer. She'll break hearts when she is older," he says deciding ignoring the situation is the best course of action.

I force a smile and give him a stiff hug. I look over at Mum but she doesn't glance in my direction.

"Thanks for coming. You definitely have a fan in Ivy," I say forcing myself to be cheery.

He smiles at me again before I open the door and let them out. Dad waves as he gets in the car but Mum keeps her eyes on the road. I watch them drive off.

I close the door and wipe a tear roughly from the corner of my eye. Mum is right about one thing. I really am pathetic if that even at 38 I still get upset about the fact she doesn't love me enough.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

_Katniss_

The heat in the office is suffocating. The MET office declared an official drought 2 weeks ago. Cue lots of middle class London people complaining about not getting to water their lawns and old men who think it appropriate to strip off and display their beer bellies as they walk round the streets.

I lean back in my chair and pull at the front of my blouse desperate to let some air in. I sweep my hair into a high bun to try and cool the sweat that is gathering at the base of my neck. I huff and I puff as I wriggle in my chair and try to get comfortable. But it is of no use.

No one likes working at this time of year. The British summer seems to be holding up at the minute and it is depressing to be cooped up in an office when the sun is shining. To make matters worse my desk looks onto a small park and I have to watch families and children frolic about the grasses while I am left stewing in my office.

Half the employees in the office are flitting off on holiday every other week. While they are enjoying the sights and sounds of Mallorca and The Algarve I am left picking up the slack they have left behind. I am crossing the days off until the start of my own south of France holiday with Ivy and Prim at the start of September. The holiday can't come quick enough.

I am even grouchier today because Ivy hasn't been sleeping well these last couple of nights. I am worried she may be coming down with something as she has been reluctant to eat her food recently and has been crying most of the night. I have barely got 2 hours uninterrupted sleep these last 2 days and I am seriously flagging.

I've been working here now for 8 months and on any other day I would say that I enjoy it. It took a while to get used to the change of pace. Being a smaller firm means the whole office is a lot more laid back. I used to thrive on the pressure there was working with Peeta at Heavensbee and Coin but since I have had Ivy I am glad for a more stress free environment.

One of the senior partners, Susan Paylor, comes up to me with a set of accounts. She holds a small hand held motorised fan in her left hand as she hands over the set of accounts to me.

"How I hate the heat at this time of year. And the city always smells that little bit more when we have no rain," she says.

"But we would still be complaining about the weather even if it rained. Us Brits are never happy," I reply as I take the accounts off her and place them on my desk.

Paylor laughs before she wipes a forearm across her forehead to try and catch the sweat.

"That much is true. When are you escaping the city again? Not until the schools go back?" she asks.

I nod my head as I lean forward to rearrange the mess on my desk.

"3 weeks. I can't wait. The beach is a 5 minute walk from our villa. I can't wait to show Ivy the sea," I say.

Paylor smiles broadly at me while turning to look at the picture of Ivy I have on my desk.

"Everything is so wondrous for them at that age," she says nostalgically. "I'm sure she will have a great time."

I smile as I turn to reach for the photo of Ivy. It is one of my favourites. It was taken at her birthday party. She sits surrounded by bubbles with a big toothy smile as she stares at the camera. I know she is laughing at the silly faces her father was pulling in the background.

The smile stays on my face as I remember how good that day was. Everyone I cared about was there. Even Peeta. And I couldn't have wished for a better day where my daughter smiled and giggled as she played with the people who love her.

However I am jolted out of my trip down memory lane by the sound of my phone ringing. I jump a little as I jerk forward to answer it.

"Hello. Katniss Everdeen speaking," I say.

"Hi Katniss. It's Cecelia. Ivy's nursery just called to say that she is running a high fever and it would be best if you could come and pick her up. Do you want me to call them back and say that you will?" the office secretary asks.

Immediately my senses go into panic mode as I worry about Ivy's health. I knew she wasn't 100% right but I still sent her to nursery. And now she is really ill. What type of mother am I?

"Yes. Of course. I will be there as soon as I can," I reply as I am already pushing my chair back and gathering up my belongings.

Cecelia says she will call the nursery back and I rush about to pick up my bag and make sure I have my car keys. Paylor watches me with a frown.

"I'm sorry. Ivy's really sick. I need to pick her up. I'll try to make it up to you later," I tell Paylor as I do a quick eye sweep of my desk to check I have everything I need.

"I totally understand. Take tomorrow off if you need to. We'll manage," she says.

"Thank you," I say gratefully before swinging my large tan leather bag over my shoulder. "I'll let you know when I will be back in."

Paylor gives me one last smile before I turn and dash out the door.

I quickly call the doctor and arrange an emergency appointment for Ivy as soon as I set up the Bluetooth in my car. Once that has been arranged I call Peeta and am glad that I can get straight through to him at the office.

"Hi. Is everything alright? You don't normally call me at the office," he says once he picks up.

"Ivy is sick. The nursery called to say she has a fever. I've booked an appointment for her but I just can't believe I let her go today. I knew something was wrong. She hasn't been sleeping for nights," I wail down the phone.

"Hey. This is not your fault. Children get sick all the time. Ivy will be fine," he says trying to reassure me.

"You don't know that," I reply.

Suddenly my mind goes into overdrive about what could be wrong with my baby. What if I have been so neglectful that I haven't realised that my own daughter is seriously ill. Fear swirls about my belly as I begin to feel nauseous at the thought.

"Believe me. I have seen just about every runny nose, virus, fever a child can get. It is bad for a little while but it will get better. I'll come round tonight to check on her," he says.

"Okay," I sniff.

I roughly wipe my nose with the back of my hand as I turn right and take the street that will take me to Ivy's nursery.

Peeta's reassuring tone works a little to calm me down. He's done a lot these last few months to reassure me I am doing the right thing with Ivy. He has become the person I reach out to when I get scared that Ivy isn't developing fast enough or I don't know how to get her to calm down after a tantrum. He's patient. Let's me rant out my worries. Listens to them and then calmly tells me what to do.

I couldn't imagine him being like this even 5 months ago. He was so intent on playing a game with me. Trying to get under my skin. But therapy has changed him. He's admitted his faults and now actually listens to me. He knows when to give me space and when I need his support. We have a friendship now that I didn't think we would ever achieve.

"I'll tell you what. I'll stop by the bakery on my way over and bring you a couple of cheese buns. I think you could do with some," he says.

At the mention of cheese buns my stomach rumbles. He knows they are my go to comfort food.

"Can you buy half a dozen?" I ask hopefully.

Peeta lets out a loud laugh from the other end of the line.

"Only because I love you and Ivy so much," he says.

I freeze a little at his comment. I know it wasn't a really serious comment but still the words do funny things to my stomach. He hasn't told me he loves me since he started going to therapy. He used to say it to me every other week before in an effort to try and convince me we should be together. But he hasn't said it for over 5 months. He knows I am not ready to hear it.

But my heart aches with longing at the sound of those words.

* * *

Ivy has tonsillitis.

Turns out there is not much you can do for tonsillitis for a one year old. I have been told to give her some medicine to reduce the fever and only feed her soft foods. It is going to be a long, hard few days.

Ivy is still fussing over eating when Peeta comes round. I am trying to feed her some squashed banana, normally one of her favourites, but she is determined not to swallow it. She hides her face in her hands and screams whenever I bring the spoon near. Her cheeks are a ruddy red from all her crying and I am surprised she has not tired herself out from it all.

Peeta is met by the sounds of her cries when he enters and immediately his eyebrows knot into a frown. He dumps the carrier bag he has brought on the table before he rushes over to scoop our daughter up.

"Hey. It's okay, Bug. I know your throat hurts but you need to eat something for Mummy," he says as he gentles rocks her.

Ivy continues to cry for a few moments while Peeta continues to coo soothing words in her ear as he rocks her back and forth. Eventually Ivy realises that her dad is here and slowly her cries turn to whimpers. She fixes her big blue eyes on Peeta and watches him as he continues to talk and pull silly faces at her.

Within 5 minutes he has got her sitting in his lap and tentatively eating a yoghurt that he has brought.

I collapse exhausted on the chair on the other side of the table and let out a sigh of relief that she is finally eating something.

"You must be some sort of baby whisperer. I would never have gotten her to eat that yoghurt," I say.

Peeta looks back up from Ivy with a smile.

"You are just as tired as her. It's a vicious circle," he replies.

He then lowers his head towards Ivy and nuzzles his nose into the side of her head. Ivy turns to look back at him with a small smile.

"Besides. All she needed was a kiss and a cuddle from Daddy. Isn't that right, Bug?" he says to her.

He squeezes her tight and kisses the top of her head and Ivy squeals a little as a result. I smile. With Peeta here I might actually manage to put her down tonight.

Peeta turns back to look at me before he spoons another mouthful of yoghurt for Ivy.

"I did bring those cheese buns for you though. How about you dig into them while I get Ivy ready for bed," he says.

My eyes immediately dart towards the carrier bag that he has brought and I lick my lips at the thought of what is inside. Cheesy carbohydrates are exactly what I need after today.

"Deal," I reply with a big smile.

Even with Peeta's magic touch it takes 40 minutes to get Ivy to settle for bed. Her fever has gone down but it is clear that her throat is really bothering her. It breaks my heart that I can't do more to help my baby.

A slightly bedraggled Peeta comes down the stairs with a tired look in his eyes.

"Hopefully she'll sleep for a few hours. I forgot just how bad it is when they are ill," he says as he moves to throw a towel into the washing basket.

I nod my head in understanding.

"I just wish I could transfer her pain to me. I hate feeling so useless," I say.

"You have to watch that you don't get tonsillitis too. I can't tell you how many bugs I've caught from the boys over the years. But both of you ill would be a nightmare," he says.

"Don't worry. I never get sick," I say with a smile. "It's all about mind over matter. If you believe you are healthy you can conquer many illnesses."

Peeta laughs and shakes his head before going over to the kitchen table to gather his things into the carrier bag he has brought with him.

I suddenly panic that he is going to leave. I'm tired but I don't want him to leave just yet. Having him here has made me feel the most relaxed since Ivy began to get sick.

"I'm just about to put dinner on. Nothing fancy. Just spaghetti bolognaise. But you are welcome to stay for it if you want," I say.

Peeta turns to me with his eyebrows raised slightly in surprise but when he catches my hopeful look he gives me a smile.

"I would love to," he says.

I smile back at him and my heart does a flip at the way he looks at me. Like I have just made his year.

Peeta and I work side by side to make the Italian dish and he laughs at my inability to cut an onion properly while I make fun of how much red wine he wants to put into the sauce.

It is nice. Easy. Comfortable. Something I have not felt around Peeta for a long time.

"Did you see the first episode of _Bake Off_?" Peeta asks me once we have cleaned our plates of food and sit back allowing our food to digest.

"Of course I saw it. It is full on food porn," I say. "I think I would consider selling Ivy for one of those chocolate and rum éclairs that person made yesterday."

Peeta laughs before leaning forward to tear a piece off one of the leftover cheese buns. He looks contemplative while he chews it.

"I think I could have been a baker in another life. There is something about making something so delicate appealing," he says.

I scoff. Peeta loves his job. I can't imagine him being anything other than an accountant. He raises his eyebrows at my reaction.

"I will have you know I am a great baker. I make the best smiley face pancakes," he says proudly.

I laugh again and shake my head.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you are a great baker. Why don't you apply for _Bake Off_ and see what Mary Berry and Paul Hollingwood say about your smiley face pancakes," I say with a smile.

Peeta lets out a small laugh and I reach out to take a drink of my water. As I do so the front door opens and Johanna and Darius enter making a racket.

They come through to find us both in the kitchen and Johanna raises her eyebrows a little in surprise when she sees Peeta. She hasn't stayed at ours for a few nights and wasn't expecting to see him when she got in.

Peeta and I both smile in greeting as Johanna puts her bag down and goes to the fridge to take out a cold can of lemonade.

"How was the film?" I ask.

"Pretty good," Johanna replies.

"Awful," Darius says.

Peeta and I turn to each other with an amused look.

"Would you stop whining about it? It was tense and thrilling. What more do you want?" she asks.

"How about some accurate representation of the London Police force? There was no way they could have found that DNA on the body. And don't even get me started on how much contamination of the crime scenes there was going on. These films just glamorise the whole police force," Darius says throwing his hands in the air.

His girlfriend shakes her head as she takes a sip of her lemonade.

"It is just a film," she replies.

"Really? Then why do you get all up in arms when we watch _Casualty_?" Darius exclaims.

"That programme is so unrealistic," Johanna replies.

"That's my point!" Darius replies.

Both Peeta and I are having a hard time trying to stifle our laughs. Johanna and Darius have been going out for 4 months now and while there are many sweet moments between the two there are just as many bickering arguments. Johanna catches our amused looks and turns our attention to us.

"I didn't expect to see you today, Peeta. Is this what you two get up to when I am away?" she asks with eyebrows raised.

Darius has moved to her side now and slides an arm around her waist. Johanna doesn't even realise that she leans into his touch. For someone who doesn't do boyfriends she is putting on a pretty good act of playing the loving girlfriend.

"Ivy has tonsillitis. I just came to help Katniss with her," Peeta replies.

Johanna narrows her eyes at him before turning to look at me. Satisfied that really is the case she relaxes a bit and leans back into Darius.

"Well as long as that is all you are doing. I thought Dr Aurelius said you should talk to him together if you wanted to move this relationship on," she says pointing her fingers between us.

I tense slightly at her words. Johanna is very protective over me and has warned me not to jump into anything with Peeta too fast.

It is true the last couple of weeks I have begun to think about being with Peeta in that way again. We've managed to form a good friendship and he is still the only man to make my heart skip a beat when I see him. There have been instances like tonight were we have hung out together and it hasn't felt awkward or strained. I can feel us gradually gravitating closer again.

But there is still something holding me back. I'm still not quite sure he realises just how much he hurt me before. I've worked so hard to rid myself of the toxic parts of my life and I am scared that if I am with Peeta like that again that those aspects will come back.

I'm still not sure if I fully trust him. Fully trust myself.

"Don't worry, Johanna. I respect Katniss too much to do that to her," Peeta replies as he turns to look back at me.

My heart flutters again. I can see the sincerity in his eyes. He won't push things unless I ask him to. My palms go sweaty as a result.

He stares at me for a long moment before finally blinking and getting up off his chair.

"I better get going. I'll leave you 3 to enjoy the rest of your evening," he says.

My heart clenches at the thought of him leaving. I scrape back my chair to get up and join him.

"You don't have to go. We still have some cheese buns to eat," I say.

Peeta smiles at me.

"I really need to go. I've got some work that needs to be done for tomorrow. But I'll call you tomorrow about Ivy," he says.

I nod my head and try not to think about how disappointed I am that he is leaving. Johanna and Darius watch us both carefully as Peeta collects his things and quickly bounds up the stairs to check in on Ivy. I say goodbye to him at the door and watch him drive off.

When I turn back round to face Darius and Johanna they both have smug looks on their faces.

"You have it bad for him," Johanna says with a shake of the head.

"Like you can talk. But at least I can admit when I am in love with someone," I say as I move into the living room.

"What is that suppose to mean?" Johanna asks as she follows me through.

I turn to look at Darius with a smile.

"You and Darius are so smitten. You don't even realise how you soften at his touch," I say.

"I am not some love struck teenager," Johanna replies as she flops down on the sofa.

Darius moves to sit beside her and she instantly snuggles into him as he wraps his arms around her and places a kiss on the side of her head. I smile and shake my head at the display.

"It's okay. I know every angry glare you throw my way is your way of telling me that you love me," Darius says squeezing her tighter against his chest.

Johanna wriggles slightly away from him, not one to like to admit she is wrong. Darius doesn't seem to mind and smiles at his girlfriend's stubbornness.

"Everyone is so desperate to put labels on their feelings," she grumbles.

"Dr Aurelius tells me we need to be honest about our feelings to be able to have a successful relationship," I tease.

Johanna scowls at me.

"What do you know, Brainless? You are the one that pays £200 per hour for someone to give you relationship advice," she replies.

I laugh and shrug my shoulders before Darius manages to make Jo relax and she sinks back into him while we find something pointless to watch on TV.

A surge of jealousy courses through me as I watch the pair of them snuggle together on the sofa. Johanna may deny her feelings for him but anyone who is paying attention can see how much she cares about him. They are content to just be with each other.

I'll be the first to admit I am a little lonely. Johanna spends half the week at Darius's flat and he is often round the days she is at home. I have Ivy but I want a piece of what they have. I want someone to give me a kiss and a cuddle when I have had a crappy day. I want someone who I can tease and laugh with and doesn't care what I look like at 7 o'clock in the morning.

For a while I just imagined a faceless person when I thought about this. Now whenever I imagine it I see a very distinctive set of blond curls and blue eyes.

* * *

When Ivy wakes me at 5 in the morning I groan as I feel the telltale signs that my glands are swollen. Ivy wails rattle through the house as I force myself to get up and soothe her. It hurts to swallow as I go through and I curse my rotten luck for catching the tonsillitis off Ivy. I am struggling enough with her as it is.

I pick Ivy up and cradle her to my chest as I try to quieten her whimpers. I close my eyes as I hold her head close to my chest and pray to god that she gets better soon.

The next 2 days are hell on earth. Ivy hardly stops crying and will hardly touch any food. My own tonsillitis grows worse making it painful to talk and often leaving me sweating as the fever takes hold. We are both cranky and exhausted and getting on each other's nerves.

To make matters worse Johanna and Darius have gone on holiday together leaving me alone in the house. The dishwasher hasn't been emptied in days and there are piles of washing, empty milk cartons and toys lying all over the house. I have stood in tears at the kitchen sink as Ivy's cries grow louder and my list of chores only seems to increase.

When Peeta rings my doorbell on Sunday afternoon, holding soup and ibuprofen, while I stand in drool covered clothes that I have been wearing for the last 2 days and Ivy continues to scream in the background, I burst straight into tears.

Peeta immediately drops the items he is carrying and folds me into his arms.

"I can't do it anymore," I sob. "She won't stop crying. I feel like I want to die and the house is a tip!"

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm here now. I'll help you," he says.

"Okay," I sniff as I cling to him desperately.

Peeta walks me through to the living room and lays me down on the sofa. He smiles at me sweetly before turning his attention to Ivy and going over to gently pick her up. He holds her close as he bounces her up and down and whispers in her ear. In any other situation I may be jealous at how easily he seems to get her to calm down but I am too exhausted to feel any emotion other than tiredness.

As her cries quieten I feel my eyes begin to droop. I have barely slept in 72 hours and the tiredness I am feeling is beginning to takes its toll. I can't battle any longer to stay awake. Knowing that Ivy is safe with her dad is enough to finally pull me under.

When I wake the sun sits lower in the sky and there seems to be peace in my surrounding environment. As I open my eyes I see that the living room has been tidied and it no longer smells of sweat and baby drool. I can feel a blanket tucked around my shoulders and can smell something sweet being made in the kitchen. I spy Peeta sitting with Ivy in his lap as he bends over her to read her a story. She looks the healthiest she has in days and she even pats the book excitedly as Peeta opens the flaps for her to see what is underneath.

The blanket slips off my shoulders as I go to sit up and this movement catches Peeta's attention. He smiles at me warmly as he watches me sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"A good sleep?" he asks.

"Yes. How long was I out for?" I say as I yawn and stretch out my cramped limps.

"About 6 hours," Peeta replies.

My eyes widen in shock and Peeta chuckles. Slowly he puts the book down and places Ivy back on the floor before getting up and making his way over to me. He bends down in front of me and I look at him carefully as he does so.

"You really looked like you needed the sleep. But don't worry. I've fed and changed Ivy. I emptied your dishwasher and put on 2 loads of washing. I've made a pot of soup and there should be enough to keep you going for a couple of days," he says.

I can't believe he has done all this. As I look round the living room I realise just how much of a deep clean he has given it and Ivy seems to be playing happily on the carpet with her toys.

"Why did you do all this? You didn't have too," I say.

Peeta smiles at me sweetly.

"Because you needed help but I knew you were too stubborn to ask for it," he says.

He knows me so well. I get emotional as I think about just how well he understands me.

His face is only a few inches away from mine. I can see the length of his pale blond eyelashes from here. Smell his familiar scent of his cinnamon and dill aftershave. I want nothing more to pull him to me and kiss him in thanks for everything he has done.

But kissing him now would be for the wrong reasons. I am still tired and ill and it's the last thing I should do when I am this vulnerable.

"Thank you," I say trying to choke back a sob.

I can see Peeta's heart drop at seeing me upset. I sniff loudly and shake my head trying to rid myself of all this emotion.

"I'm sorry. I normally don't get this emotional," I say wiping back a tear.

Peeta smiles at my sympathetically and I see him begin to reach out to tuck a strand of hair that has fallen from my braid. But mid way he stops himself and pulls his hand back. He looks ashamed for reaching out to me. He won't try anything unless I ask. He stuffs his hand abruptly into his pocket and clears his throat as he averts his gaze from mine.

"You're ill. You are allowed to get a bit emotional," he says.

He still won't look at me and I realise just how much he has changed in the last 5 months. The old Peeta would have never cleaned my house and looked after Ivy and me without an ulterior motive. The old Peeta would have taken advantage of my vulnerable state. He wouldn't have been ashamed at trying to touch me. He wouldn't have waited for my permission.

And suddenly I realise that I do trust him. Trust him enough to be there when I need him. Trust him enough to be a good father for Ivy. Trust him enough to be patient and wait for me.

But I don't want to wait any more.

Dr Aurelius asked me months ago if I would still love him if we changed. I honestly didn't know if I could. If I could still be a better person and still love Peeta. But if anything I am growing to love him more.

It already feels different. We want different things from a relationship now. It's not about sex anymore.

I can be more honest with him. I don't have to hide anything. We are able to support each other instead of tear each other apart. I need him in a completely different way to the one I needed him before.

It won't be easy. And we will have to go slow but I am willing to take the risk.

I reach out to take his hand and squeeze it to get him to look at me. He snaps his head back round and looks at me with big curious blue eyes. I smile sweetly at him before bringing his hand up so I can kiss his knuckles. He watches me carefully as I bring his hand back down and rub my thumb over the top of his hand.

I fix my eyes on our joined hands for a moment as I feel Peeta's stare on me, waiting for answers. I take a deep breath before bringing my eyes back up to look at him.

"I think we should go and see Dr Aurelius together. I think I am ready for more," I say.

* * *

**A/N: Yay for some relationship development! Things are definitely on the right track now though there are still issues they both have to work out. **

**Thanks to everyone that reads/reviews the story. I hope you are excited for more.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So please people are seeing the improvements both Katniss and Peeta have made. It's take them a long time to get here and I hope things are developing at a natural and realistic pace. Thanks to everyone who is still reading and enjoying!**

* * *

Chapter 12

_Peeta_

I meet Katniss outside of Dr Aurelius's practice and she gives me a nervous smile in greeting. She fiddles with the strap of her watch which is a sure sign that she is as nervous about this as I am.

I haven't been able to sleep properly since Katniss suggested we go and see Dr Aurelius together. I have wanted to be with her properly for over a year now. There is so much riding on these next few sessions with Dr Aurelius. If we can be honest with each other and work through our issues I will be closer to getting what I desperately want.

My dreams these last few days have been filled with scenarios where the session is a disaster. Dreams of one or both of us shouting at each other and the doctor telling us we are a lost cause. I don't think my heart could take it if we fail at this. It terrifies me to think about how things would be if we don't work things out.

"I feel like I am about to sit my A level exams all over again. It feels like my whole future depends on how well it goes today," I say to Katniss.

She gives me a forced smile and nod of the head but I can tell she is too distracted by the thought of today to really take in what I am saying. I take a little comfort in the fact she is obviously as scared about this as me.

I move forward to open the door for her and gesture for her to enter. She mutters a thanks as she walks past me and finds a seat in the reception. I follow her through and take the seat next to her, leaving the largest amount of space possible between us. I feel like one wrong move and we will be back to square one again.

I try to make small talk to try and distract myself from the nauseous feeling that is rising up in my chest but we are both so nervous the conversation never starts to flow naturally. Eventually we both fall silent and just wait nervously for Dr Aurelius. Hopefully things will be easier once we are in his room.

I keep giving Katniss quick glances as we wait, just to make sure she is still here and willing. She is clearly nervous. Her left leg jiggles up and down and she must undo and rebraid her hair 3 times in the 10 minute wait we have for Dr Aurelius. I am almost relieved when he opens his door for us and asks us in.

Dr Aurelius smiles warmly at us both as he offers us a seat. Katniss and I sit at opposite ends of the sofa. The doctor notices this and immediately writes something down on his pad. I see Katniss go pale as she watches him do so. It feels like we have already failed some test.

"So," Dr Aurelius starts setting down his pen. "Why did you come to see me today?"

Katniss and I share a nervous look. I can see how scared she is at the thought of saying the wrong thing. Slowly I turn my head back round to face Dr Aurelius and answer his question.

"I think we both feel that things have been a lot better between us recently and would like to explore the idea of being together again. But we both feel that there are still some things we need to say to each other before we can do that," I reply.

I turn round to face Katniss to silently ask her if my answer was okay. She smiles at me relieved. It's a smile that tells me I have managed to articulate what she was struggling to put into words.

Dr Aurelius nods his head.

"And what are those things?" he asks looking at me.

Much to my surprise it is Katniss who answers. Her voice rings out loud and clear.

"I still don't think Peeta quite realises just how much he hurt me," she says.

I snap my head back round to look at her. I didn't expect her to be so blunt with me so quickly. Like she is accusing me of something. Where has she got this sudden burst of courage from?

"What makes you say that?" I say my voice rising slightly as my natural defences go up. "I have apologised for the way I treated you,"

Katniss takes a deep breath before turning to face me.

"I know you did. And I forgive you but I still don't think you completely understand the pain you caused me, particularly before Ivy was born. The pain made me do crazy things. Lose my rational thought. I am scared because you are the only person who can hurt me in that way," she replies.

I exhale loudly and pinch the bridge of my nose. Part of me is not used to Katniss being so bold with her emotions. Even through the friendship we have created we have shied away from talking about our past. But it seems that therapy has given Katniss the confidence to talk about them now.

Her comment still irks me. I have admitted my part in our destructive relationship. It is not something I am proud of. But she played her part too.

"What about the pain you caused me? You lied to me. Fell pregnant on purpose to hurt me. Told my wife about us without any warning. How can I know you won't do these things again?" I reply a little angrily.

Katniss takes another deep breath through her nose and clenches her fists at her side. She wants to stay calm.

I didn't expect us to get to the heart of our issues so quickly. I didn't come here to argue with her. I thought we would ease up to this point. Though Katniss seems to have other ideas. This is fast becoming like one of my many nightmares.

We hold a heated staring contest with each other, neither wanting to say anything more out of fear of making things worse but neither of us liking what we have heard. I didn't realise how angry I still am at her for doing those things to me.

"Okay. I wasn't expecting you to be so forthright straight away Katniss but this is a good start. I think we are getting straight to the heart of your unresolved issues with each other," Dr Aurelius says breaking the tension between us both.

I turn to him with a weary sigh. This little exchange has shown me that Katniss and I still have a long way to go before we can achieve a functional relationship.

"Then how do we resolve them? I am tired of replaying the same arguments," I say.

Dr Aurelius gives us a sympathetic smile.

"I never said it would be easy but it starts by being honest with each other. You can't hide how you feel from each other, at least not the big stuff, otherwise it will just build again and you will end up resenting each other," he replies.

I let out another loud sigh and I lean back against the sofa. I was foolish to think we would be able to fix things today. The reality is that I am probably months away from a proper relationship with the woman I love.

"But that's what you are here for. Give us a safe space to talk about these things. There are still things that scare me. Scared that Peeta will hurt me again. Scared that being with him will bring out my old bad habits. Scared that we screw things up and hurt Ivy. But I still think it is worth the risk," Katniss says.

I turn to her with a small smile. The Katniss I first knew would have never been able to so eloquently express how she is feeling. She really has changed so much for the better. And I love her more as a result. I just hope I have changed enough to be worthy of her.

Dr Aurelius smiles and nods his head.

"Absolutely. And you are not as far away from each other as you might think. You have developed a healthy friendship. Things can flourish from there," he replies.

Katniss turns to smile at me affectionately and my heart skips a beat at the sight. That one smile is all my hope rolled into one.

* * *

We spend the rest of the session going over the reservations we brought up at the beginning of the session. It is painful for me to hear just exactly how I hurt Katniss when we were together.

I had all the control. I used her for when it pleased me. Whenever my mum made me feel crappy or I wasn't get enough attention from Madge I sought out Katniss. But it was this control that made Katniss resent me. The reason she fell pregnant with Ivy was because she sick of me having all the control. She wanted me to feel as powerless as she did when she found out Madge was pregnant. It is only now in hindsight that I realise how unhealthy that control was.

But it is good to for me to hear all this. I realise that for things to work this time it will need to be a partnership. And after the friendship we have formed I am hopeful we can achieve that.

Never have I experienced such a roller coaster of emotions in one hour. I go from angry to ashamed to hopeful all in the space of 20 minutes. I am mentally frayed as we near the end of the session.

Dr Aurelius puts his notepad down as the final minute of the hour approaches.

"I think that was very successful. You were able to be very honest with each other. I think you prior experience with therapy has helped you with that but I want to make sure that we end on a definite positive note. It's clear there are still feelings there. Tell each other one thing that you like about each other," he urges.

Katniss looks at me shyly and ducks her head as her hand once again goes to play with her watch strap. She has never been good at receiving compliments.

"I love the way that she cares for those closest to her. She will go to the ends of the earth to defend the people she loves whether it be her sister, our daughter or her best friend. Once she decides to love someone she does it with her whole heart," I say with a smile.

Katniss blushes. I have never met someone who loves so deeply. Sometimes, as with the case with me, it is to her detriment but it still amazes me the lengths she will go to protect the ones she loves.

Slowly Katniss raises her head to look at me. Her grey eyes fix onto mine and she holds my stare intently.

"I love how good a father he is. He loves his children more than anything and my favourite parts of the week are when I see him playing with Ivy. Her giggles double when he's around. He can be her friend, protector and disciplinarian all in one. I couldn't ask for a better father for my daughter," she replies.

I smile at her warmly, touched by her words. I try so hard to be the best parent I can be for all my children but the last year I know I hasn't been the best I could be. It is reassuring to hear that she thinks I am doing an okay job.

Dr Aurelius smiles warmly at us both and moves to open the door.

"There is definitely hope for you both," he says with a smile.

* * *

The next month goes past in a blur as things at work pick up and the boys start back at school. Katniss and I try to squeeze in at least 1 session a week with Dr Aurelius and continue to try and work towards a better place.

The sessions get less intense as the weeks go by. We work through our relationship. How it started out with a mutual attraction for each other with a no strings attached attitude before gradually developing as we bonded over neglectful mothers and how I tried to push her away when she told me she loved me. But as we work towards our friendship today, things get a lot more positive and hopeful.

It is sometimes hard to be brutally honest with each other but I definitely notice the effects. Each session I feel less resentment and more acceptance. I feel like I really getting to know her during these sessions. We did so little talking the first time round it almost feels like I am meeting an entirely new person.

Neither of us are ever going to be perfect but we are learning how to acknowledge our flaws and accept them.

My feelings for her haven't changed. They have just gotten stronger. The sessions become more light hearted as we laugh and share stories from our past. I begin to clearly picture a time when it is often like this. Where we live in a big house in the country and laugh and joke with each other as we take Ivy on adventures in the woods when the boys come up to visit.

My heart longs for the picture to become a reality.

After 7 weeks of sessions I offer to drive Katniss home and she agrees. She talks animatedly on the journey back as she retells a story of how Ivy stalked a muddy tabby cat around the garden. She tells me the poor cat didn't know what to do when Ivy finally managed to get her sticky hands on it and smother it with kisses.

When we pull up outside her house she lingers for a moment in the car as if reluctant to leave. A silence falls as suddenly the air seems to change around us. The car becomes unbelievably stuffy and Katniss turns to look at me with a soft smile.

"Thank you for driving me home. I like getting to spend a few extra moments with you," she says.

My heart starts to pound in my chest. What is it about this woman that constantly makes me feel like a hormonal teenage boy?

"I like these moments too," I reply.

Katniss smiles at me sweetly and I can feel my hands get sweaty as they grip the steering wheel. My whole body seems to have gone tense and rigid.

"Good night, Peeta," she says before reaching over to wrap her arms around me.

Immediately the tension leaves my body as I sink into her embrace. I wrap my arms around her too and inhale her soft scent of sandalwood. It has been so long since I have held her in this way but it feels like heaven. Like it is exactly where I am supposed to be.

We hold the hug longer that is probably deemed acceptable between two friends and Katniss only pulls away slightly so that her arms have a loose hold on my neck. She keep staring at me and I tentatively reach out a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

Her eyes don't leave mine as I do so but her head leans into my touch as I tuck it back. I keep my hand at the side of her face and we just continue staring at each other, both of us lost in each other's gaze. She becomes the only thing I am aware of in the world.

"Ask me out," Katniss whispers.

He words snap me out of my trance and I drop my hand quickly and pull away from her. I turn back round to face the steering wheel. I don't look back at her.

"We can't. Dr Aurelius hasn't said we can do that yet," I say, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Katniss lets out a heavy sigh before bringing her hands up to force my head to look at her.

"He doesn't control us. Any relationship between us won't work if we let someone else make the decisions for us. He said we would know when the right time was for us to start dating. It's now. I am ready to be with you," Katniss says passionately.

My heart melts at her words. A huge part of me desperately wants to sweep her up in my arms and kiss her senseless but the one thing I have learnt from going to Dr Aurelius is the need to take things slowly. I don't know if I would be able to stop myself if I kissed Katniss now.

Instead I take a deep breath and look at her. My heart continues to beat rapidly. Slowly a smile spreads across my face.

"Okay. Katniss Everdeen will you do me the pleasure of escorting me on a date?" I ask.

Katniss grins and shakes her head a little at my dorky proposal.

"Yes, Peeta. I will go on a date with you," she replies.

My grin grows wider and Katniss laughs lightly. Slowly she turns to get out of the car. She walks round to my side and leans down to look through the window. I roll the window down for her.

"It better be good, Mellark. I have been waiting a long time for this," she says with a grin.

"Only the best for you," I reply and Katniss's smile grows wider.

She straightens up and waves goodbye before walking up her steps. She turns to give me one last smile before she turns the key in the lock and goes inside. I watch the door close and stare at it for a moment longer with a big smile on my face.

I finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

* * *

That weekend I stand outside Katniss's door in a brand new, light blue shirt that I have rolled up to my elbows and my favourite pair of navy chinos. Butterflies swirl about in my stomach as I prepare myself for this date. I haven't dated anyone in a long time. It feels strange to be going back to this part of my life.

I have in my hand a box of strawberry tarts. They are Ivy's favourite and I thought they were slightly more romantic than a cheese bun. I want to show Katniss just how well I know her. That I want to continue to know her more.

Johanna is the one that answers the door and she gives me a wary look when she sees me.

"Katniss is just finishing getting ready. She will be down soon," Johanna states.

I nod my head and clutch the box of tarts tighter. I take a deep breath to compose myself as I step inside.

Johanna walks through to the living room so I follow her. Ivy is sitting in her pyjamas on Darius's lap as he reads her a bedtime story. She leans back into his arms as her eyelids begin to droop and I smile affectionately at the sight of her. However any notion of sleep is forgotten when she hears me enter and she looks up to see me. She immediately perks up and struggles to get out of Darius's grip as she tries to reach me.

"Daddy!" she exclaims as she unsuccessfully tries to crawl out of Darius's lap.

I give her a big smile in greeting and put down the box of tarts before I stride towards her and pick her out of Darius's arms. Ivy immediately wraps her pudgy arms around my neck and gives me a big smile.

"Hello, Bug. Are you all ready for beddy byes?" I say to her.

"No!" Ivy exclaims as she shakes her head.

I smile at her as she continues to make some unintelligible rambling noises. I pull her head closer to me to place a kiss on top of her dark curls in order to try and get her to calm down again.

Johanna watches us cautiously as I stand in the middle of the room rocking Ivy gently as I try to get her to quieten down.

I know from Katniss that Johanna is still suspicious of me. She was the only one there the last time to see just how bad we treated each other. I know it is not just Katniss I have to convince that I am better.

"I still don't trust you," she states.

I stop rocking Ivy to look at her. Darius gives her a pointed look. It is clear that he thinks it is not Johanna's place to say something. But Johanna is practically family to Katniss. I understand she just wants to protect her friend.

"I swear to God that if you hurt her again I will hunt you down and make sure that you never have procreate again," she says.

She stares at me intently. I am under no illusions that she doesn't mean what she says. If I hurt Katniss again she will find a way to hurt me.

"You'll have to get in line. I'll want to hurt myself if I hurt her or Ivy again. This is it for me. There is no one else out there that I want," I reply.

Johanna eyes soften slightly at the sincerity in my voice. She gives me a terse nod before turning around to go over to Darius. I allow myself a small smile over the fact I have managed to convince her for now. I just have to keep showing her I am good enough for Katniss and Ivy.

"I hope you aren't interrogating him too much, Jo," Katniss suddenly says.

I don't know how long she has been standing in the doorway or how much of my conversation with Johanna she heard but everything else is forgotten when I see her.

Her luscious hair hangs down in loose waves around her shoulders. She wears a simple high necked, sleevless dress that falls to mid-thigh. But is the colour of the dress that takes my breath away. It is a vibrant red that perfectly compliments the recent tan she picked up on her holiday in France. It brings out the colour of her eyes making them smoulder and burn. In it she looks as radiant as the sun.

All my nerves are forgotten when I catch sight of her genuine smile and the slight glint of excitement in her eyes. She wants this date as much as I do.

She holds my gaze for a long moment before averting her eyes slightly to look affectionately at Ivy who I still hold in my arms. She makes her way towards us and reaches a hand out to stroke Ivy's hair.

"You having fun talking to Daddy, Bug? Have you been telling him all about your adventures on the swings today?" Katniss says to our daughter.

Ivy turns her head to look at her mother as she gives her a toothy smile. She then continues her rambling as she tells us in her own way what she got up to. Both Katniss and I smile at her, content in the moment.

Darius is the one to break the little spell that has been placed over our small family as he comes to me and takes Ivy out of my arms.

"Okay, Ivy. I think we need to let your mummy and daddy go. How else is Daddy going to get a chance to kiss Mummy?" he says playfully tickling Ivy in the tummy.

Ivy whimpers a little as she is taken out of my arms and senses that Katniss and I are both leaving. A tiny tear in my heart appears as I see her get upset.

"Don't worry, Bug. It's you and me tomorrow. I'm taking you swimming and then we are going off to play with your brothers," I say as I reach out a hand to try and soothe her.

The whimpers quieten but she still looks upset as she leans her head against Darius's shoulder. I bend down to kiss her with a promise to see her tomorrow before Katniss follows suit and places her own kiss on our daughter's head.

"Right, off you go. I don't expect to see you back before midnight," Darius says with a cheeky wink in my direction.

I chuckle and Katniss gives him a small smile and shake of the head as she goes to pick up her bag.

"Don't let her stay up later than 7.30 and try to keep it down when you and Johanna end up having sex," Katniss replies.

Darius gives her a look of mock hurt at the suggestion they would do such a thing but Katniss chuckles lightly as she gives Ivy one last kiss and leads us out the door.

Once in the car things go quiet again. I have not been on a proper date for almost 20 years. This was part of my life I thought was long over. There is tension in my body as I grip the steering wheel tightly. I am out of practice.

"You look beautiful tonight," I finally settle on saying.

Katniss blushes a little as she looks down and smoothes out the wrinkles in the skirt of her dress.

"Thank you. I hope it is okay. You said I should wear something nice," she replies.

I smile as I keep my eyes on the road. A very difficult task when she is sitting so close beside me.

"You're perfect. I feel a little underdressed," I say.

Katniss turns to look me up and down and appraise my look.

"Yes. And I did always love you in a suit," she replies with a cheeky smile.

I turn briefly to look at her lovely face and flash her a smile before turning back around to look at the road.

"And here I thought you preferred it when I wore nothing at all," I gently tease.

Katniss laughs and the sound makes me relax as I sink back further into the car seat.

"Why did you think I always dragged you off to some closet at those charity dinners the firm attended? Nothing looks better on a man than a well-tailored suit," she replies.

"Noted. I'll make sure to make it a permanent piece in my wardrobe," I reply.

Katniss smiles at me and shakes her head before turning back round to look out the window.

"When are you going to tell me where you are taking me? I have to say I am dying a little in anticipation," she asks.

"That would spoil the surprise. You are not going to let me miss a chance to wow you, are you?" I reply.

"You are really building this up. It'll never be as good as I am building it up to be in my head," she says playfully.

"You have little faith. I may not have the best track record with relationships but first dates I have got nailed," I boast confidently.

Katniss smiles and shakes her head at me.

"Can you call it a first date if we have already both seen each other naked and have a child together?" she asks.

My heart sinks at the truth of the statement. We treated each other so badly before. This isn't how things should have happened.

I reach out to take her hand across the console and give it a gentle squeeze to get her to look at me. She seems a little surprised at my touch and jerks her head up to look at me. We stop at a set of traffic lights and I turn to face her.

"This is a fresh start for us. Back to the beginning. Treating each other right in a way we didn't the last time. So yes, this is almost definitely a first date," I reply sincerely.

Katniss smiles sweetly at me and takes a deep breath as she sweeps a thumb across my knuckles.

"Okay. I'll allow it," she replies.

My face breaks into a big grin just as the lights turn green and I am forced to look back at the road.

A little while later I park the car and we make our way to the South Bank. I pick up Katniss's hand as we jog a little to cross the road.

"God damn you, Peeta Mellark, if you have got me all dressed up to take me to the Aquarium," Katniss says as we hop onto the pavement.

She doesn't let go of my hand once we have crossed and I smile as I interlink our fingers together and turn her to face me. It's true we are heading in the direction of the London Aquarium, on of Ivy's favourite places to go.

"I'm not taking you to the Aquarium. As much as I know how much you love taking Ivy there it is not the perfect setting for my idle date," I reply.

"Then where then?" she asks.

I turn to look down the river and tip my head in the direction of the London Eye. With the light fading the big wheel is lit up and sparkling like diamonds as it slowly rotates round.

Katniss turns to give me a disbelieving look.

"I think I preferred the Aquarium. Less cheesy," she replies.

I lean in closer so our noses are only a width apart.

"That's because you have not seen what I have done with it yet," I reply with a cheeky smile.

Katniss rolls her eyes but I am not deterred. I gently tug on her hand and she reluctantly follows me as I lead her towards the popular tourist attraction.

Once we arrive I speak to the man at the desk and he smiles and nods when he takes down my name. I turn to give Katniss a smile but she just sighs and shakes her head at me again.

Shortly after a woman comes through to take us up to our capsule. I can see our capsule slowly make its way down as we stand at the bottom of the wheel. The pops of orange peep out as it draws closer. Once it has reached the bottom Katniss lets out a small gasp as she sees what I have done.

You can rent one of these capsule for something called rather cheesily, _Cupid's Capsule_. You get the whole thing to yourself with chocolates, champagne and private waiter but I phoned ahead to add some extra things to the experience. I have filled the place with orange calla lilies, Katniss's favourite flower, and I have an acoustic guitarist in the corner softly playing Katniss's favourite songs. Instead of the chocolate I have a tray of cheese buns waiting for her.

"How did you do all this?" Katniss asks in awe as she steps onto the capsule.

Her eyes scan the whole area as she takes in every little detail that I have put in. I follow her on and hand her one of the bunches of lilies to her.

"You didn't think I would take you on a first date without flowers," I say with a smile.

Katniss smiles back at me as she takes the lilies off me and brings them up to her nose for her to smell.

"I take it back. This is much better than the Aquarium. You even have Arctic Monkeys playing," she says with a smile as she points her head towards the guitarist playing one of her favourite songs by them.

I smile at her affectionately and reach out a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I know you pretty well," I reply. "Thank you for forcing me to ask you out."

Katniss smiles again and hides her face a little in the flowers.

"The date is only beginning. You have a lot to do to prove to me this is going to be a success," she says playfully.

I let out a small laugh as she hands the flowers to the waiter and takes my hand so we can look at the view of night time London. We stand closely beside each other as we look out at the lights below and I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face.

* * *

We watch the busy streets of London as we sip champagne and talk about our weeks and the start of the rugby season. It is simple conversation but nice. It just feels easy and effortless.

We start off the ride standing side by side with only our hands touching. However as we get higher and higher and relax more in each other's company our bodies slowly move closer until Katniss is tucked into my side and my arm is protectively around her waist. Her head leans against my shoulder and I gently squeeze her waist to keep her close.

I have missed holding her like this.

Suddenly she snaps her head up and turns to face me. Her body pulls away slightly from mine as she does so. I immediately miss her warmth.

"Oh! I almost forgot. Ivy has got another doctor's appointment this week to get her latest vaccines," she says.

I sigh and turn to face her fully before gently pulling her in by her waist so her front is gently brushing against mine. I look down at her seriously and tighten my hold on her waist. Katniss looks up at me with slightly confused eyes.

"No. We are not talking about Ivy like that tonight. No appointments or scheduled visits. Those things can wait. I just want to spend some alone time with you," I say firmly.

Katniss softens at my words and takes a step towards me. She sighs as she plays with the collar of my shirt and keeps her gaze glued there.

"I'm sorry. I'm not very good at the dating thing. I wouldn't even let Gale hold my hand in public," she says still looking down at my shirt collar.

Gently I move a finger underneath her chin and tip it up so she is looking at me. I give her a smile as I sweep my thumb across her cheek before dropping my hand to my side.

"I'm out of practise too. It's been a long time since I have had to woo a girl properly. We can figure it out together," I reply.

Katniss raises her eyebrows at me.

"Woo a girl? Jesus, Peeta. I know you are a lot older than me but really, woo a girl? No one speaks like that anymore," she says with teasing smile.

I laugh as I raise my hand to sweep a strand of hair off her face. My hand rests at the base of her neck once I have done so.

"Well I am sorry that we didn't have mobile phones or social networking sites to help us get girls in the 90s. I had to do it the old fashioned way and actually phone the girl's home number. Do you know how nerve wracking that was if she was still living with her parents?" I reply.

Katniss rolls her eyes as her hand pats down my collar before leaving her hand to linger on my chest.

"I bet you just sweet talked the mother so you had her begging for you to take her daughter out," she replies.

"Maybe a few times," I say with a grin.

Katniss laughs and shakes her head. My smile grows wider and my thumb begins gently rubbing the smooth skin at the base of her neck. I hear Katniss let out a contented sigh as she presses her body even closer to mine. I forget about the breath-taking view as I am solely focused on this beautiful woman in front of me.

I am sure she can feel the hammering of my heart underneath her fingers tips as it beats rapidly in my chest. Silence falls between us as Katniss slowly looks up at me, her smoky eyes filled with hope and longing.

"I never wanted to go on a date until I met you. You have made me want all the things I swore I would never make myself have," she says.

I pull her closer to me. I had thought I had everything until I met her. I hadn't realised she had been missing until she came into my life. Because she is the only person to have ever seen and experienced all my faults and to have never judged me for them. I don't know what made her wait for me when she finally started to sort herself out but I will be eternally grateful that she did.

"We were fucked up before. But I won't let that happen again. You are the one who has made me make sense of my life," I reply moving my hand to cup her cheek.

Katniss smiles at me softly before rising on her toes to place a soft kiss on my lips. The kiss is short but the jolt of electricity that courses through my body is powerful. The aftershocks leave my whole body tingling with energy.

She pulls back quickly and groans as she steps back down.

"What?" I ask with a frown.

"I know we need to take things slow but going slowly with you is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not when all I can think about is pushing you back against this capsule and losing myself in you," she replies.

I laugh lightly before I pull her into me and hug her close. She rests her head against my shoulder as I reach up to stroke her hair.

"But we will be so much better as a result. We'll be stronger and it will mean so much more," I reply.

Katniss wraps her arms around me and gives me a tight squeeze.

"Now you are making me sound like a harlot who is only after one thing," Katniss groans.

"You could never be that," I reply kissing the top of her head.

Katniss tilts her head up so she is looking at me and gives me an appreciative smile. We hold each other's stare for a moment before I turn us back around so we are looking out the window and over London.

"Now we have 10 minutes left for me to wow you with all my facts and knowledge about London. Where would you like me to begin?" I say jovially.

Katniss laughs as she turns her body so she is facing the window. She keeps her arm around my waist as she asks me about the Tower of London and I rattle off the facts I learned about it during A level history.

It is the most normal thing we have ever done together.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So glad that so many people enjoyed their date last chapter. It's about time we had some fluff!**

**For those who didn't notice, I've posted a prequel to this story called Dirty Little Secret. It takes you through their relationship before this story started and shows how they ended up in such a big mess. Check it out, if you haven't already, if you are curious to find out how it all started.**

* * *

Chapter 13

_Katniss_

"Fish!" Ivy exclaims as she points her pudgy finger at a colourful fish that swims past her behind the glass.

Prim hoists my daughter up onto her hip so Ivy can get a better view of the hundreds of fish that swim about the tank. Prim brings her closer to the glass and Ivy plants her chubby hand on it as she watches in awe at the various creatures that swim past her.

"You would never know she had never spoken that word an hour ago. Everything we have seen since has been a fish," Peeta whispers in my ear as we follow behind pushing the buggy.

I turn to smile at him as we slowly make our way up behind my sister and our daughter.

Prim is down from uni this weekend and demanded that we take her to the London Aquarium. We had arrived an hour ago, where Peeta had proceeded to teach Ivy the word fish and she hasn't stopped saying it since. Even amongst all her toddler mumblings, fish is the one word that is recognisable. Though I don't think the grumpy old man appreciated it when Ivy stopped in front of him to point and call him a big fish.

Prim pretends to be just as excited as Ivy as she stands holding Ivy up to the glass. She leans her head in closer to Ivy's so she can whisper in her ear and point out all the different fish there are on display in the coral reef section. Ivy's eyes are wide in awe as they follow the fish around the tank and she squeals when one gets too close to the glass.

It is nice having Prim here to take Ivy off our hands for a little while. I love my daughter but she is exhausting. Now she is walking she is constantly toddling off and getting into all kinds of mischief. Prim has taken charge of Ivy on this trip allowing Peeta and I to follow behind at a more leisurely pace meaning we don't have to worry about keeping too close an eye on her. The pair of us walk slowly behind, our arms gently brushing against each other as Peeta pushes the buggy.

As we approach I watch and admire how easily Prim can entertain our daughter. It doesn't surprise me that she is already thinking about going into paediatric medicine. She has a natural gift with children.

"Do you think we could convince her to take Ivy back to Newcastle for the week? I could really do with a week where I don't have to pick up chewed stuffed animals wherever I go," I ask grinning up at Peeta.

Peeta smiles.

"And put her off babysitting for life? One week running after Ivy will stop her thinking about ever working with children again," Peeta replies. "My boys nearly put Annie and Finn off from having any of their own!"

I laugh. Annie and Finnick announced her pregnancy this week. It seems the IVF has finally worked and they are due their first child in June.

We should probably warn them about the dangers of having a small child in your house. It seems our daughter has gained my sense of adventure and Peeta's ability to talk. A combination that results in her often getting stuck in unlikely places and rambling a string of unrecognisable words into the small hours of the morning. It is never ending with her.

"Just be grateful she is offering to look after her tonight. It's been too long since I have had you all to myself," Peeta adds as he stops momentarily to pull me into his side and place a soft kiss onto the side of my head.

A warmth flows through my body at this small touch. Though I still find it hard to accept these type of gestures. I have never been a fan of public displays of affections and had trained myself with Peeta to never show any signs in public. It has taken me a few months to stop flinching away every time he tries to hold my hand or get embarrassed when he gives me a soft kiss in public. Being affectionate to each other in public is a whole new ball game for me.

We have been officially dating for 4 months now. It has not all been easy. Between Ivy, his sons and both our work we often struggle to fit time in a week to see each other. So many of our dates end up having Ivy tagging along.

We can still snap at each other when one or both of us are tired or stressed. We have had to work hard to try and maintain a stable relationship but the positives far outweigh the negatives.

He can brighten up my day with a mere phone call. Make me feel safe when I am wrapped in his arms and just make me unbelievably happy when we both roll about the carpet playing with Ivy. I am the most content I have ever been in my life.

As we get nearer Ivy turns her head towards us with a big smile. Her hands are still stuck on the glass of the enormous fish tank.

"Daddy, fish!" she exclaims again.

We both smile at her sweetly as we come to a stop beside her.

"She always calls for you," I say with mock hurt.

Peeta just grins and dips his head down towards me.

"That's because I'm the one that feeds her Jelly Babies," he says with a cheeky grin as he plants a quick kiss on my cheek.

I roll my eyes as Peeta steps round the buggy and towards Ivy. He reaches a hand out to stroke her hair before turning his attention to the fish and looking at where Ivy is pointing. Peeta points to the small crab that is scuttling about the bottom of the tank and Ivy is soon wriggling out of Prim's grip demanding to be put down. My sister gently places her on her feet as Peeta bends down to explain to our daughter all the wonders of a crab. Ivy watches with rapt attention as she listens to her father impart his wisdom on her.

No one captures my daughter's attention quite as much as her father does.

* * *

After we leave the aquarium we head to a nearby café to order some lunch. We find a cosy table in the corner and peel off all our layers of winter clothing as we sit down. The waitress comes to take a drinks order before we try putting Ivy in a high chair. However Ivy is soon demanding out of it so she can sit on her daddy's lap. Peeta pretends to look annoyed but you can't miss the affectionate look on his face as he pulls her close to sit on his lap.

He pulls out the too big stuffed dolphin inside Ivy's bag and is silly with it as he pokes Ivy in the tummy with it, pretending it wants to eat her.

"I think the dolphin is tired of eating fish. I think it has decided that cheeky little girls are much nicer for tea!" Peeta exclaims as he continues to poke and tickle Ivy in the stomach with it.

Ivy giggles and squeals cries of no as she tries to flaps her arms at the toy. Peeta only gets sillier as he begins making clicking noises to mimic the dolphin and tips Ivy back as he attacks her. Ivy's squeals only get louder and a few people in the café turn to look at us with a frown.

I ignore them though as I watch my daughter enjoy time with her dad. My new relationship with Peeta has allowed her to spend more time with him and I don't think it is a coincidence that her giggles double in frequency whenever he is around. I wouldn't stop these moments for anything.

"You spoil her," I say as Ivy eventually wrestles the toy off him and she begins to chew on its nose.

Peeta had bought the toy at the gift shop. She already has plenty of stuffed animals but Peeta can never resist buying her something whenever we are out.

"And why can't a dad spoil his little girl? Particularly when she is as adorable as our one?" he says as he bends down to place a kiss on Ivy's head.

I just shake my head at him.

"I know you are just trying to buy her love off me," I reply.

Both Peeta and Prim grin as the waitress comes over with our drinks and I reach out to take a sip of my tea.

Everything soon settles down after the waitress leaves and Prim, Peeta and I all engage in small conversation about Prim's medical degree and the start of the Six Nations Rugby tournament.

I am glad that Prim and Peeta are getting on so well. Because I kept my relationship with him a secret from her the first time she never really saw how bad things were between us then. She was wary of him at first, just as any protective sister would be, but she has warmed to him as they have spent more time with each other.

Ivy keeps herself amused throughout the lunch, playing with spoons and tearing up napkins in between eating bits of lunch. Apart from trying to keep Ivy from crawling away the whole meal is a relaxed affair.

"So what are your plans for tonight?" Prim asks after taking a sip of her tea.

"We're off to see some play that has Judy Dench starring in it," I say as I try to feed Ivy a bit of apple.

Prim turns to Peeta with raised eyebrows.

"You must have superpowers. Plays are normally too sophisticated for Katniss," Prim says sarcastically.

I turn to scowl at her and she sticks her tongue out at me. Peeta grins when he sees our interaction.

"Now I am dating an older man trashy reality TV shows are just not going to cut it anymore," I say.

Prim snickers.

"That and I agreed to feed her both before and after the show," Peeta says with a grin.

I turn to him with a huff.

"It is unrealistic to expect a person to wait until 10.30 to have dinner," I reply.

Both Peeta and Prim laugh.

"And your love of food is one of the reasons I love you," Peeta says leaning his head in towards me.

He has a big grin on his face and I soften a little. He blue eyes stare at me lovingly and eventually my scowl turns to a smile. Peeta smiles triumphantly and leans forward to place a soft kiss on my lips. I accept the kiss as my hand reaches up to cup his cheek. There is a smile on my face as I pull back.

"Kisses!" Ivy exclaims as she pops up between Peeta and me.

Peeta and I both break our gaze as we look down at our daughter. Ivy looks expectedly up at us and with jam spread all across her face. I smile at her affectionately as Peeta reaches out to stroke her hair and bends down so his face is opposite hers.

"You want kisses too?" Peeta says rubbing her tummy. "How about Mummy and me make you a kissing sandwich."

He then begins peppering her face and tummy with kisses as Ivy shrieks in delight and is smothered in kisses. I lean forward and join in with all the kissing too. Ivy's shrieks grow louder and I delight in the sound as Prim watches on with a huge smile on her face.

After a moment the kisses stop and Peeta moves Ivy so she is resting on his hip.

"How about we go and choose a cake for Mummy? There is a big slice of carrot cake that I think she might like," Peeta says to Ivy.

"Yes!" Ivy exclaims as she pats Peeta face.

Peeta grins at her before getting off his seat and carrying Ivy to look at the display of cakes. Ivy babbles all the way over as Peeta leans in to place a kiss on her head. I watch them with a smile as they go.

When I turn back around I find Prim with a big smile on her face.

"What?" I ask.

Prim laughs and shakes her head.

"If I thought it was strange seeing you acting as Mummy it is even stranger to see you acting the part of girlfriend. I just never thought I would see it. You have an almost permanent smile on your face," she says.

"I do not!" I exclaim.

Prim laughs again.

"You do! It is so sweet. And the way Peeta looks at you makes my heart melt. He looks at you like you are the sun," she replies.

I twist round to look back at Peeta and Ivy. Peeta leans Ivy forward to press her hands against the glass cabinet so she can look down at the selection of cakes. No one has ever looked at me the way Peeta does. It always makes my heart flip when he looks at me with a smile.

I turn back round to face Prim who still has a big grin on her face.

"It is even more amazing considering you are not having sex. I admire your will power. I am unable to resist Rory when he looks at me like that," she says.

I sigh as I go to pour us both some more tea.

We haven't slept together since we got back together again. We still see Dr Aurelius once a month and we both see the sense of taking things slow. Sex was such a huge part of our relationship the first time and I want to make sure we have a solid foundation before we go there.

"I'm not going to lie and say it is easy. Particularly late at night when we are pressed against each other while we kiss on the sofa. My body just has an instant reaction to him but at the same time I'm a little scared," I admit.

"Scared?" Prim asks.

I nod my head.

"Things are so good right now. I'm worried that sex is going to change things and screw things up," I reply.

Prim bobs her head.

"That makes sense. Particularly with what happened the last time but I think your relationship is a lot more solid than you think," she says.

She turns to look over at Peeta and Ivy who are now ordering the cakes. She has a smile on her face when she turns back to look at me.

"Besides, the 3 of you are just such an adorable family," she adds.

I smile back her gratefully as Peeta walks back to us with a smile. But as he comes back I can't help but think that it is not just the 3 of us in this family. There are many other people that we have to take into consideration.

* * *

Back at the house Prim and I play with Ivy on the carpet while Peeta skypes with his sons. Ivy has got her plastic food out and is busy dumping it into plastic bowls before turning the bowl upside down to tip everything out again. Prim and I are busy talking about her upcoming placement in the hospital when Peeta comes back through with a moody face on.

My heart clenches when I see the look. He must be upset about something one of the boys said.

"How are the boys? Did they enjoy having their grandparents visit?" I ask.

Peeta fires an angry glare at me.

"Charlie is upset that I haven't taken him out on his new bike yet. He wants to ride without stabilisers just like his big brothers," Peeta says bitterly.

Sensing the need to tread carefully with him I try to be positive. Peeta is always a bit more sullen after having spoken with his sons. He feels guilty for not being there for them.

"You can take him out tomorrow when they come round to visit," I suggest.

"Don't tell me what I should be doing with my sons!" Peeta snaps.

Prim looks startled by the change in Peeta voice. Ivy stops her playing to snap her head to look up at her daddy.

"And don't snap at me just because you feel guilty about not spending time with your sons. I know it is hard for you but I am just trying to support you," I reply.

Peeta's body deflates as he sags down onto the sofa and looks guiltily at me. Sensing her daddy is upset Ivy picks up a plastic banana and toddles her way over to him to present the toy fruit to him. Peeta smiles at her tiredly as he accepts it and brushes a curl off her forehead.

"I'm sorry. I just hate that I don't get to spend every possible moment with them. I always feel guiltier after days we spend like this with Ivy. I feel like I am betraying them by having such a good day with you and Ivy," he says.

I soften towards him and get up to go and join him on the sofa. I take his hand and give it a sympathetic squeeze. I hate to see him hurting. I can't even begin to imagine not being able to see Ivy every day.

"You are doing the best that you can. You see and play with your children more than some fathers who live with their children. Your sons know you will be there for them whenever they need you," I say.

Peeta smiles at me appreciatively as he gives my hand a little squeeze.

"I know that. It is just hard to remember sometimes," he says.

I nod my head in understanding before pulling him in to give him a comforting hug. He pulls me close and he inhales my scent as he buries his nose into my shoulder.

"Sorry for snapping at you. I know you support me. I hope I didn't ruin a good day," he says.

I smile as I reach out to brush his hair back.

"You didn't," I say truthfully.

There is a moment of silence as relief floods Peeta's eyes. Slowly I let a grin spread across my face.

"Quick. Let's get ready for the theatre before Prim changes her mind about looking after Ivy," I say with a cheeky grin.

I get a small grin out of Peeta after that and I tug on his hand to urge him to come with me to get ready for the theatre.

Peeta's other children will always make our lives that bit more complicated. It's hard enough to create a strong, healthy family unit for the 3 of us without factoring in Peeta's other family. But I am willing to work hard so that it is as easy as possible for us all.

* * *

Prim leaves to go back to Newcastle on Sunday afternoon and smothers Ivy with kisses and tickles before finally prying herself away just enough to make sure she doessn't miss her train. I grow sad when I watch her leave. I miss having my baby sister around and she is so good with Ivy. Peeta's brothers don't see Ivy often so I want her to have a least one aunt or uncle that spoils her rotten when they come to visit.

The following week is a busy one with a lot of work put on my desk. I have to take lots of work home and stay up late as I try to get it all done while at the same time keeping an eye on Ivy. Peeta is equally swamped at work and we only manage a few tired conversations over the phone.

I miss having him around.

The only benefit is that I don't have time to think about Annie and Finnick's party to celebrate their pregnancy. Finnick is insisting that Peeta brings me along but I am not looking forward to it.

I have always got on with Finnick, loving his enthusiastic storytelling, and Annie was my best friend at the office when I worked at Heavensbee and Coin. But Annie distanced herself from me when she found out about my affair with Peeta. She was friends with Madge first and took her side in the divorce. Annie is only one of many of Peeta's friends that don't take to me too kindly.

I can understand why they don't like me. I did hurt and ruin their friend's marriage. And I am a lot younger than them. I don't find the thought of being in a room full of these people appealing.

I huff in front of the mirror as I adjust my demure navy dress with cream lace section round the middle. Peeta smiles at me as he finishes tying his shoes and comes up behind me to put his hands on my waist. He places a kiss on the side of my head.

"Don't think about it too much. You are building it up in your head to be worse than it will actually be," he says.

"And with good reason. I'm the other woman. I would hate me if someone did what I did to one of my friends," I reply.

Peeta spins me around to look down at me with serious eyes.

"We are not those people anymore. You are my girlfriend. I love you. I don't want to hide you from my friends," he says tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I never want to hide you again."

I relax a little at his words. This has been an ongoing theme recently with Dr Aurelius. Part of our new stable relationship is being proud of it and not hiding it from the world. Hiding it is reverting back to our old habits. It is something I am still finding hard.

"I suppose. Just don't leave me alone tonight. I don't know how I can handle it without you," I say.

Peeta smiles and nods his head before bending down to place a soft kiss on my lips.

"We'll do it together. Remember half of them hate me more anyway," Peeta replies.

I sigh as I nod my head. I suppose this won't be easy for him either. I take a deep breath before pulling away and gathering my belongings for tonight.

Finnick answers the door with an enormous grin on his face and bundles of energy. He wraps his arms around me in a warm embrace before turning to Peeta and picking him up as he gives him a massive bear hug. I laugh at his exuberant display and Annie has a grin on her face even though she shakes her head at her husband's display.

"Congratulations, mate. I couldn't be happier for you," Peeta says once Finnick has put him down.

Finnick grins in reply before turning to face me with a smile.

"Peeta insisted that we buy a baby name book for you. I would ignore his suggestion to call your child Wheaton," I say handing the book to Annie.

She smiles as she accepts it and Peeta pretends to look hurt by my comment.

"All the best people are named after bread," he says.

"You must be letting the side down then," I reply with a grin.

Finnick chuckles and even Annie smirks. I hope I can build some bridges with her.

"Thank you both," Finnick says, taking our coats and placing them in a small room off the hallway of their townhouse. "I'm still bargaining to name the child Finnick Junior."

Annie rolls her eyes.

"Naming your child after yourself is so egotistical. Your ego doesn't need to grow any bigger," she says.

Finnick goes to make a further argument but Annie shoots him down with a stare. She is the only one who can keep Finnick in line. Finnick lets it go as he takes us through to the living room.

There are quite a few people already here but the whole room goes silent when Peeta and I walk in. Most of the other guests turn their eyes to look at me. Most have never met me but know who I am and what I have done. The woman mainly look at me with judgemental glares while I see a few men give Peeta a cheeky wink when they see my legs in this dress. I spot Madge standing at the back trying to look composed.

I grow very self-conscious and drop my eyes to the ground as I try to hide behind Peeta. Peeta forces me to look up at him and he gives me a look that tells me no more hiding. I look back at him and try to find the courage to face these people. I have to trust Peeta that he will help me through this.

Sensing the awkwardness, Finnick instantly moves to introduce me to a couple by the door. I give them an awkward smile as Finnick begins telling us a story about when he went sea kayaking in Hawaii.

I smile and nod in all the right places but I am very conscious of the stares on my back.

* * *

The evening is awkward. Most of the men are not too bad but I cringe when some joke about Peeta trading Madge in for a younger model. The feeling of being watched is with me for the entire night. I often turn round to find people starting in my direction before realising they have been caught and quickly turning back around pretending that they are talking about something else.

Peeta stay close to me the whole night but I am very conscious that Madge is in the room. I don't want to seem too close to Peeta. I don't accept his affectionate gestures and make sure there is some space between us as we stand speaking to other guests. I've already put Madge through enough pain. She doesn't need to see me fawning over her ex-husband.

She spends most of the night with another blonde woman with tight curly blonde hair. I know from Peeta that she is his friend Delly. They have been friends since they could walk but their friendship has been strained the last couple of years. Delly and Madge are really close friends and she has practically exiled Peeta as a result.

Delly is the one who shows the most obvious disgust for me being here. I often find her eyes on me with her nose scrunched up like I am a bad smell. I pray that I don't run into her.

However I can't help but overhear her while Peeta has momentarily left me to go to the toilet.

"I can't believe she has the nerve to turn up here. Hasn't she hurt Madge enough?" Delly says to a group of her friends.

Many bob their heads in agreement. I cringe when I hear them talking about me. This is why I didn't want to come tonight. I didn't want to be the centre of all the gossip.

"Seeing her here just reminds us how young she is. None of us have that much leg on show. I bet she wore even shorter skirts at the office. Of course Peeta's eye was going to wander. It was probably a game for her," Delly carries on.

It's hard to hear exactly what they think about me. Even worse when a lot of what they are saying is true. I did wear my shortest skirts and tightest blouses to try and entice Peeta. It was a game in the beginning.

I know I am not that person anymore. That I am with Peeta for the right reasons. That I love him for the right reasons but it is always hard to hear reminders of our dubious beginnings.

"Her turning up here tonight is just rubbing Madge's face in it. It's showing her that she doesn't care what she did to her. That she has no respect for her," Delly says.

This is the first thing that Delly says that makes me a little angry. I am well aware of the pain I have caused Madge. Of all the things I have done, hurting Madge and her sons is the thing I regret the most. And the way Madge has handled everything the last 18 months shows me that she is an extremely good and strong person. I have the up most respect for her.

"I keep telling Madge she is treating her too well. If some girl did that with Thom I would scratch their eyes out. A girl like that doesn't deserve any good treatment," Delly adds.

I am about to turn and leave the room to get away from Delly and her judgemental words. The old Katniss would have wanted to shout at her for saying these things. But I am not sure I can defend myself without making a big scene. That's the last thing I want.

However, as I turn, I catch sight of Madge who is standing just to the side of Delly. She's looking at me sympathetically and I realise that she must have heard all Delly has been saying as well. It can't have been any easier for her to hear either. She holds my gaze for just a moment before taking a deep breath and approaching Delly.

"There is no need to speak so loud, Delly. You've made your point," Madge says.

I look at Madge with wide eyes. She doesn't need to do this. She shouldn't be the one defending me.

"I'm sorry, Madge, but it's just wrong her being here. He's showing her off like some kind of trophy. Rubbing it in your face," Delly says.

Madge shakes her head.

"That is not what he is doing. Peeta and I have been divorced for over a year now. We don't need to act like high school teenagers anymore," she says.

I admire her poise as she confronts Delly. This must be hard for her but she doesn't seem angry or bitter about me being here. She turns to give me a small reassuring smile.

"Is everything okay over here?" Peeta asks as he finally comes back from the toilet.

He looks between Delly, Madge and I. Delly narrows her eyes at him.

"I can't believe you, Peeta Mellark. It's bad enough she turned up but you should have never asked her in the first place. You can't bring your little sex toy here," she hisses.

Peeta glowers at her as he moves to place an arm around my waist.

"Katniss is a lot more than that. She's my girlfriend and I love her. I won't have you insult her," he says firmly.

Delly shakes her head in disbelief as a few other people turn to watch the confrontation.

"I'm sorry that I fell in love with Katniss in the wrong way but you are just making things more awkward by bringing this up here," he adds.

Delly looks at Madge and then Peeta before looking back at Madge again and realising she is losing the battle.

Madge smiles at her appreciatively as she reaches out to place a hand on Delly's arm.

"Thank you for sticking up for me. Your loyalty has been outstanding these last 18 months but I have come to terms with it. We all need to move on," Madge says.

Delly huffs but relents before grumbling about how she doesn't agree with it as she walks over to her husband.

I smile at Madge gratefully.

"I don't know why you did that but thank you," I say to Madge.

She smiles at me as she takes in both Peeta and I standing together.

"We are going to be in each other's lives for a long time. And I think you have been very mature about in the way you handled tonight. It can't be easy for you here," she says.

"It can't be easy for you either," I say.

She is showing her strength in character by treating me respectfully tonight. She smiles again and bobs her head. She looks a little sadly at both Peeta and I, maybe thinking about how things could have turned out differently for her.

"It is hard but you will be glad to know I am no longer in love with Peeta," she says with a smile. "How can I be when he sings so badly in the shower?"

We all chuckle a little at the comment. The look in her eye is different now. No longer sad but accepting. There is a slight glint in her eye that suggests she is thinking about something different now.

I narrow my eyes at her. She is handling the whole situation remarkably well. She has given us no bitter looks or angry stares. There is no pain in her features as she talks to us. There must be another reason for her to be so accepting of our relationship.

"Are you seeing someone?" I ask bluntly.

Madge blushes and laughs as she drops her eyes to the ground.

"What makes you say that?" she asks.

"There is no way someone could be so cool about their ex bringing their new girlfriend to a party if they hadn't already found someone else," I reply.

Madge laughs again.

"You've caught me. His name is Marvel. It is pretty new but we have been friends for a few months. I'm keeping it quiet for now," she says.

Peeta looks shocked at this new bit of information but from the secret smile on Madge's face I can tell that it is going well so far. I give her a big smile back.

"I'm happy for you," Peeta says once he has recovered from the shock of this revelation.

Madge smiles at him gratefully.

"Thank you. I'll make sure if things get serious that you meet him before I introduce him to the boys," she says.

"I'd like that," Peeta says with a smile.

We are left standing alone together with a new understanding of each other. Juggling the two families together is always going to be tricky but I now have faith that we have 3 people that are all willing to try hard to make the situation the best it can be for our children.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

_Peeta_

Jamie sits quietly reading a book in the corner as Harry and Charlie fight over a Star Wars lego toy. Max stands by my coffee table clutching a chubby crayon and making undistinguishable marks on a bit of paper. I bend down to pick up one of the boys' toy cars when Charlie suddenly starts howling. I snap my head up to see tears rolling down his cheeks as Harry scowls at him. Charlie runs up to me and flings himself at my legs. I bend down to hoist him up onto my hip and smooth his blond hair back.

"What's up, bud?" I ask.

"Harry says I stole the lego off him but I had it first, Daddy! He snatched it off me!" Charlie wails.

I look down at my older son with a frown and he huffs as he stamps his feet.

"It is my toy, Daddy! He didn't ask if he could play with it," Harry replies.

I give Harry a stern look. Charlie is still crying softly into my shirt and I am not impressed with my second oldest son.

"Harry Mellark, you are the older brother. You know better than to snatch toys off your brother," I scold.

"But, Dad! It's the Millennium Falcon! He was just going to break it!" Harry wails.

"No. There is no excuse for making your brother upset. If you have a problem with Charlie, you come and tell me," I reply.

"But, Dad…" Harry begins.

"No. Stop. If you don't apologise to your brother I will call Mummy and she can come and pick you up and you will miss the zoo," I warn.

Harry lets out an exaggerated sigh as he drops his eyes to the ground. Charlie has stopped crying now so I put him back on the ground so his brother can apologise to him. He sniffs loudly and rubs his nose as I put him down.

"Fine," Harry grumbles. "I'm sorry, Charlie."

Charlie sniffs loudly again as he wipes his tears and nods his head, accepting the apology.

"Thank you, Harry. Now I'll take the lego until Katniss and Ivy get here," I say sticking out my hand waiting for the toy to be placed there.

"It is not just any lego, Daddy! It's the Millenium Falcon!" Harry exclaims as he hands over the lego model.

I have to stop myself from grinning at his comment. Little things like that are so important to a 6 year old.

I take the toy off him and place it out of reach. Harry watches me with a sigh before turning around and picking up a comic instead. Jamie looks up momentarily to check the situation before flitting his eyes away quickly and going back to his book.

Charlie follows me as I go to sit on the sofa to keep an eye on Max. He snuggles up to me and I pull him into my lap as I wipe the last of his tears away. The boys are definitely exhausting.

After a moment I decide to gather all the boys round. Katniss and I are taking a big step today and I want to make sure my sons are prepared for it.

We have finally decided it is time for Katniss to meet them properly. Although they have met her before it has only ever been in passing while she has dropped off or picked up Ivy. Ivy's birthday party was the closest they came to meeting properly but my oldest sons were too busy squirting each other with water guns to pay any real attention to Katniss.

And this is the first time they will meet her as my girlfriend. I am a little nervous about how they are going to react to her.

"Okay, guys. You know this is an important day? You know why Katniss is coming to the zoo with us?" I ask.

Max has crawled onto my lap now as well and he and Charlie sit squished on my knee. Both Harry and Jamie stare up at me.

"Because she's Ivy's Mummy and your girlfriend," Harry replies matter of factly.

"That's right. Do you know what that means?" I ask.

Harry pulls a face.

"It means you kiss her," he says in disgust.

I can't stop myself from smiling at him. Jamie however has grown very quiet and now stares down at his shoes.

"Are you okay with that? Katniss being my girlfriend?" I ask, mainly looking at Jamie.

Harry frowns.

"Will you get married? Will that mean Ivy lives here and we can't come and see you?" he asks.

My heart clenches at his words. This is exactly what I don't want him to think.

"Someday I hope to marry her. And yes, that would mean Ivy would live here but that doesn't mean you won't get to see me. I am still going to see you as much as can. Take you out every Sunday," I reply sincerely.

Harry ponders my words but Jamie still looks down at his feet. Charlie sits up in my lap and puts his arms around my neck.

"I don't want to stop seeing you, Daddy," he says.

I smile at him sadly. I'm appalled that he may even think for a moment I would leave them.

"That won't ever happen. Katniss won't stop me seeing you. She really wants to get to know you. She's really excited about coming to the zoo with us today," I say with a smile.

This seems to convince Charlie and he smiles broadly at me before slipping off my lap.

"Well, as long as she is not girly and gets scared of the snakes," Harry replies.

I grin and tell him that Katniss loves snakes. Harry shrugs his shoulders indifferently and totters off back to his comic. Jamie still hasn't said anything and I look down at him, worried. Things have greatly improved since the incident where he ran off with Ivy but Katniss is a very clear reminder of why I had to leave home in the first place.

"You know that your brothers and you are the most important people in my life. I am never going to go away," I say.

Jamie looks at me sadly and nods his head.

"It's okay, Dad," he says before turning and walking away.

My heart sinks at the sight. I want Katniss to be in my life for a very long time. I just hope her presence doesn't affect my relationship with my sons too much.

Katniss and Ivy arrive soon after. Ivy has a big smile on her face as she reaches her arms out for me in greeting.

"Daddy!" she exclaims as I lean forward to take her off Katniss.

Katniss gives me a nervous smile while I plant a chaste kiss on her cheek. I am very aware of prying eyes.

The three oldest boys stand in the doorway looking at Katniss cautiously. Max is on the ground running a car back and forth along the floorboards. I turn to them all with a cheery smile as I let Katniss in.

"Okay, guys. I know you have met her before but I want to introduce her properly. This is Katniss," I say gesturing to her beside me.

Ivy squeals in delight when she sees her brothers and immediately begs to be put down. I place her down on her feet and she scampers off to join Max on the floor. The three other brothers still look up at Katniss curiously.

She gives them a big smile and bends down to their eye level.

"It is nice to meet you all. Are you excited for the zoo today? I can't wait to see the tarantulas. They are so cool but I know your Dad is scared of them," she says.

"I'm not scared of tarantulas!" Charlie exclaims. "I go right up close to them. Don't I, Daddy?"

Charlie turns to me and I smile and nod at him. Charlie beams at me before turning back to look at Katniss.

"I like the snakes best. Do you know an anaconda can eat a whole cow?" Harry then says.

"No way! I don't believe you!" Katniss exclaims.

"It's true. I have a book that says so," Harry replies.

"You should show me the book. It sounds really interesting," Katniss says.

"It's at my Mummy's house. But I can bring it next time," Harry says.

"I would like that," Katniss replies.

Harry then begins rattling off all the facts he knows about snakes and how much he wants one for a pet. I watch with a smile on my face as Katniss listens to him carefully.

Once Harry has finished his rambling, Katniss checks she has all their names right and even gets a smile out of Max when she races his car with him. Harry fights for her attention but Jamie just stands back in silence. He will be the hardest one of my sons to convince.

* * *

We arrive at the zoo in the late morning and Harry has to be immediately restrained as he rushes between enclosures. Max is happy to spend most of the time in the buggy, quietly observing most of the animals and only asking to be lifted out to see the penguins. Ivy is more adventurous and tries to stay out of the double buggy as much as possible. She presses her nose up against the glass to get the closest possible look at the animals.

Charlie became all shy in the car and has stuck to my side since we arrived. He keeps a tight grip on my hand and watches Katniss and Ivy curiously as he stands slightly hidden behind my leg. I can sense he is not quite sure what to make of her yet.

Jamie stays silent as he follows us round and keeps his eyes glued on the animals in an effort to avoid talking to Katniss. I can see Katniss is a little hurt that he is ignoring her but she is well aware of how my leaving affected him. She doesn't try to push him into anything he is not ready for. I am just glad that there seems to be no hard feelings expressed.

While in the creepy crawlie section of the zoo, Harry stands on his toes to take a closer look at one of the tarantulas in its cage. Max has dozed off in the buggy and I hold Ivy on my hip so she can take a closer look at the giant centipedes.

"Do you know a tarantula can regrow its leg if it loses it?" Katniss asks Harry.

Harry turns to her with his eyes wide in awe.

"No way! That's impossible!" he exclaims.

Katniss grins at him.

"I believed you about the snake eating cow. Are you calling me a liar?" Katniss replies raising an eyebrow at him.

"But how can it do that? Is it magic?" Harry asks.

"Tarantulas have skeletons on the outside of their bodies and they get rid of them when they get too small and grow a new one. When that happens their leg grows back," Katniss replies.

"That is so cool! Wait until I tell Oscar at school tomorrow!" Harry exclaims. "How come you know so much about spiders?"

Katniss's grin grows wider and she leans her head in closer to Harry.

"Didn't I tell you I know everything?" she says with a smile.

Harry rolls his eyes.

"That is what my teacher says but she didn't even know that snakes don't have eyelids," Harry replies.

Katniss laughs. Harry then turns his head towards me and rushes over.

"Dad, can I get a tarantula for my birthday? I promise to look after it," he pleads.

I shake my head vigorously.

"There is no way I am letting you have a pet spider. Do you know how scary they are?" I reply.

"You are such a scaredy cat, Daddy," Harry replies shaking his head.

He pauses for a moment as he chews on his bottom lip as he thinks. Eventually he raises his head again to look at me with a hopeful grin.

"A snake then?" he asks.

I laugh and shake my head.

"Ask you mother," I reply.

Harry nods his head eagerly before rushing off to look at some of the other mini-beasts. I catch Katniss's eye and she shakes her head as she gives me an amused smile. She makes her way over to me and reaches a hand out to stroke Ivy's hair.

"He never stops talking. I have never met a child with such a thirst for knowledge," she says.

Ivy turns round to face her mum and Katniss pulls a silly face at her. Charlie still grips onto my hand tightly as he looks up at Katniss carefully. I catch his eye and give him a gentle smile and squeeze of the hand. He smiles up at me before turning back round to watch the centipede crawl along the cage.

"He definitely teaches me a lot. He got given an animal encyclopaedia for Christmas and is always telling me fascinating facts he has learned. I think he annoys his teacher quite a bit. He is often telling her she has got her facts mixed up," I reply.

Katniss laughs.

"Well, he shouldn't change. It is all part of his charm," she says.

I smile and nod my head. I turn my head back to momentarily look back in the cage but Ivy is soon patting at my shoulder demanding my attention.

"Food!" she exclaims expectedly.

I twist my wrist to look at my watch and see that it is indeed time for some lunch. I lean my head in closer to her.

"You are definitely as greedy as your Mummy! You are always demanding to be fed!" I say as I rub her tummy.

Ivy shrieks and I place a kiss on her head before calling over Jamie and Harry and suggesting that we all go and have some lunch.

It is just warm enough to sit and have lunch outside. Katniss has made a picnic and we settle down on an old tartan rug near to the play park. Katniss pulls out the sandwiches and begins handing them round.

"What type do you have?" Harry asks as he bounces on his knees, eager for some food.

Katniss gives him a warm smile.

"Tuna mayonnaise," she replies.

"Yay! My favourite!" Harry exclaims as he lurches forward to grab some.

Katniss gives him a look to say slow down and Harry sheepishly sits back down with his sandwich.

"Your dad told me they were your favourite. And they are Ivy's favourite too. It is one of the things you have in common," Katniss replies as she hands a small bite to Ivy.

Ivy opens her mouth wide as she shovels the whole sandwich in her mouth before chewing. I smile and shake my head at her. Harry tilts his head to the side as he looks at and ponders Ivy.

"Like she has blue eyes just like us?" Harry asks.

Katniss nods her head as she manages to coax Charlie to take a sandwich off her.

Max has woken from his nap and I pull him into my lap as I try to feed him a sandwich.

"That's because you are all brothers and sisters. You have blue eyes just like me," I say.

Harry nods her head.

"But Ivy has brown hair because Katniss does while we have blond hair like Mummy," Harry says.

I nod my head again. Harry ponders this for a moment while he chews his sandwich. Once he has swallowed his bite he speaks again.

"So babies get their eyes from their daddies and their hair from their mummies," he concludes.

Katniss and I share an amused smile.

"It doesn't always work like that," I reply with a smile.

Harry shrugs his shoulder and goes back to eating his sandwich. Things are just so simple for them at that age.

After the appropriate amount of sandwiches and crisps have been consumed all the children run off to play in the playground. Harry and Charlie immediately head for the swings while Max and Ivy toddle towards the slide. I help Max to the top of the slide and wait for him at the bottom as he slides down. He jumps into my arms and I hoist him into the air.

"Again!" he demands.

I smile at him before once again hoisting him up to the top platform of the slide and waiting for him at the bottom. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ivy struggling to get onto one of those small rocking horse things. She just can't quite get her leg up and over it. She struggles for a few moments before Jamie comes up to her and gives her a little push so she can hoist herself up onto the small horse. Ivy squeals in delight as she pushes on the handle bars to try and get the horse to rock forward. Jamie stay near her and gives her a gentle push to help her along.

I watch them with a small smile in my face. My eldest son may not have opened up to Katniss yet but it is nice to see he has accepted his sister. He keeps a careful eye on her as she amuses herself. I don't want my children to be two separate families.

Katniss comes over to join us and gives me a warm smile as she approaches. Max gives her a toothy smile as he lands once again at the bottom of the slide. Katniss sticks her tongue out at him as I bend down to pick him up and he laughs. A grin spreads across her face before she turns to keep an eye on Ivy.

"Thank you for coming with us today," I say to her.

Max demands to be put down and scampers off to join Ivy on the rocking horses. Katniss turns to me with a smile.

"You're welcome. I know how important they are to you. I just don't want them to see me as some evil step mother," she replies.

"We are not married yet," I tease.

Katniss rolls her eyes at me before turning back round to watch the children.

"One day," I say stepping forward to place a warm hand on the small of her back.

Katniss nods her head as I stand behind her. We have talked about marriage and possible other children with Dr Aurelius in our sessions with him. Katniss has now admitted that they are both things she now wants and, even after my experience with Madge, I know I want to one day be married to her. It won't be next month. Or even the next year but we are both clear sometime in the future I will ask her to be my wife.

"You are doing a really good job. Harry thinks you are some sort of genius with all the facts you know about spiders and Max likes anyone who will pick him up," I say.

Katniss twists round to look at me.

"Jamie has barely said two words to me," she sighs.

I give her a sympathetic smile and grip her waist to give her a gentle squeeze.

"Just give him time. You know he took me leaving the hardest," I reply.

Katniss nods her head in understanding before once again looking back over to Ivy.

Our daughter has got bored of the rocking horse and clambers rather unceremoniously off it. She takes a moment to survey her surroundings before liking the look of the slide and she begins to toddle towards us. However in her rush to reach the slide she trips and falls on the spongy ground.

My heart immediately jumps at the sight. The shock of the fall is what frightens her the most and it only takes a moment before she starts wailing. My parental instincts kick in and both Katniss and I rush over to her. Katniss reaches her first and scoops Ivy up in her arms. She drops to her knees as she smooths Ivy's hair back to check for any signs of damage before rocking her gently.

All of my boys have now stopped what they are doing and come over to join us to check Ivy is okay. Not liking the noise Max reaches his arms out for me and I readily pick him up as he snuggles into my side and places his head on my shoulder.

There seems to be no blood but Ivy will probably have a small bruise on her knee. She continues to scream as Katniss continues to rock her back and forth while trying to calm her. The sound pierces through my heart. No parent likes to see their child hurt.

"Is she okay, Dad?" Harry asks.

I turn to him with a weak smile.

"She will be fine, bud. She just got a little fright," I reply.

Harry nods his head in understanding but he and all his brothers stay standing, watching over Ivy until she has calmed.

Katniss starts to sing a soft lullaby in an effort to try and calm Ivy. It soon starts to work and Ivy's cries slowly turn to whimpers before stopping completely and she shuts her eyes to go to sleep. My heart immediately feels relieved once Ivy is sleeping peacefully. Katniss continues to rock her for a few moments before standing up to put Ivy in the buggy.

All the boys follow and Jamie stands looking at Katniss in surprised awe. Once Katniss has tucked Ivy safely in, she turns round to give us all a tired smile.

There is quiet for a moment before Jamie surprisingly begins to speak.

"You have a really nice singing voice," he says to Katniss.

Katniss smiles warmly at him.

"Thank you. That is very nice of you. Do you like to sing?" she asks.

Jamie blushes and his eyes drop to his feet as he scuffs a bit of grass with his shoes.

"No," he says. "Mrs Milligan made me mouth along to the songs in the Christmas show because she said I was ruining the performance."

Katniss frowns.

"I don't like the sound of that. Anyone can be taught to sing," she says. "I could teach you, if you would like."

Jamie brings his eyes back up to look at Katniss. I can see the conflict on his young face. He wants to hate Katniss for what she did but for some reason her singing has got him to open up to her. He is truly tempted by her offer.

"That'd be okay, I suppose," he replies.

Katniss smiles broadly at him before she tells him she would love to and asks him what songs he likes to sing. Jamie smiles shyly as he tells her he likes singing Disney as long as it is not Frozen. Katniss nods her eagerly and tells him that she will arrange a time for her to come and teach him. Jamie nods his head in agreement.

Harry begins demanding that we go and see the gorillas and we pack up so we can keep moving. Jamie stays a bit closer to us as we walk and I can see Katniss's happy grin over the fact she has had a mini breakthrough with him.

The rest of the trip is a success. Both Jamie and Charlie open up a bit more to Katniss as we go round and we tire them out enough that they all fall asleep in the car on the way back home. It breaks my heart a little to drop my sons back with Madge after such as good day but at least now I have hope that my two families can enjoy time spent together.

* * *

The following week is busy at work but I do manage to visit both Ivy and the boys at least once during the course of the week. I immerse myself fully in their games to try and distract myself from the fact I am having dinner with my parents on Friday.

It is Dad's 73rd birthday and Mum has insisted that we all go out as a family to celebrate. Both my brothers and their wives are coming along but there was no invitation for Katniss.

I arrive at the expensive French restaurant early to avoid the wrath of my mother for being late. I am the first to arrive and order some bottled water for the table while I wait. My brothers are next to arrive and they give me a polite smile in greeting as I stand to greet both their wives with a kiss on the cheek. Mum and Dad arrive 10 minutes later and my mum gives my sister-in-laws exaggerated air kisses before she waits for the waiter to pull her chair out so she can sit down.

Dad smiles at us all warmly and declares how happy he is to have all his family together to celebrate his birthday. Mum scrunches up her nose as she surveys the tables and her eyes zone in on the empty space beside me.

"It is such a shame that Peeta has made our number uneven. The aesthetics are off for good dinner party conversation," Mum says.

I close my eyes to take a deep breath. She got her first dig into me early this evening. But I am not here for her. I am here for Dad. I won't let her ruin this night for him.

"Well my girlfriend wasn't invited," I reply calmly.

Mum narrows her eyes at me.

"You are calling that thing your girlfriend now? How cute," she replies.

I decide not to raise to her bait. She is never going to like my relationship with Katniss. I have given up trying to convince her otherwise.

"How are things going with you two? And how is little Ivy?" Dad asks.

Mum huffs.

"I don't want to hear about those marriage ruining limpets. I want to talk about something more positive. Rye, why don't you tell us all about your appointment to head the office in New York?" Mum says turning to look at my elder brother.

Rye gives me an apologetic smile before turning back to face Mum. He works for a big international bank and has just been offered the job to lead the office in New York. It is a big promotion and my mum has delighted in telling everyone she meets how great and successful her eldest son is.

"It is pretty exciting. We have people looking for town houses over there right now. It will be good to move there before the kids go into secondary school," Rye replies.

Mum nods her head in approval as she takes a sip of water.

"You are very lucky to have Lavinia. It is rare to find a wife who is so willing and supporting. Some people just don't know when they have a good thing," she says.

Her eyes flit to mine and I know she is making reference to me letting Madge go. Madge was always her perfect mate for me. No woman will ever be better for me.

"Some people are just always ruining the good things in their lives. It is so very disappointing for their family to watch," she adds keeping her eyes on me.

I clench my fists at my sides. The whole atmosphere has become awkward at the table. Dad looks a little angry while my brother's wives look down at the table, embarrassed. Even when praising my brothers she still finds a way to insult me.

I take a deep breath before looking back at her with a firm gaze.

"You are right, Mum. I have screwed a lot up in my life. I have made a lot of mistakes and hurt people I care about. And as much as I would like to blame you for all the bad things in my life, I can't. You didn't force me to cheat on my wife. Hurt my sons by leaving them. Say horrid words to the woman I love. You may have contributed to the cause of those actions but I was the one who decided to do all those things. I was the one who made bad choices," I say.

Mum looks shocked by my outburst. We haven't even got to ordering our food and we have come to this. But I need to say it now. Even if ruins my Dad's birthday. I finally have to confront her about my feelings.

"But the thing is, Mum, I can now admit that. And accept my mistakes. And most importantly l have learned from it. And I am even learning from yours. I make damned sure my children, ALL my children, know how much I love them. Know that I am there for whenever they need me. I make sure that my children never feel worthless," I say.

The whole table has gone silent. No one quite knows what to say.

"I feel sorry for you, Mum. Because I may have made all these mistakes but I am not the one who is left angry and bitter now," I say locking my eyes onto hers.

I pause for a moment before proceeding again. I can feel a weight lifting as I confront her. Dr Aurelius has been telling me to accept and own up to my mistakes for months now. I thought I had but I realise that until now I had still been blaming Mum for my bad choices. I feel a sense of calm as I finally take ownership for all my actions. Now I am fully prepared to move on and be happy.

"I hope you find some happiness, Mum. Because I have found mine," I add.

I push my chair back and stand up. I can't stay here any longer tonight. She knows how I feel now and now it is time for me to give her some space.

"Sorry for ruining your birthday, Dad," I say as I put on my jacket and leave the restaurant.

No one speaks as they watch me go.

* * *

I hail a taxi to Katniss's house and she looks a little surprised but happy to see me when she opens the door.

"Hi," she says reaching up to place a soft kiss on my lips. "I thought you were having dinner with your family?"

"Exactly," I sigh.

Katniss understands immediately and brings me through to the living room. After the initial euphoria of confronting my mum I am now emotionally drained. I desperately want to sit down and curl up with Katniss.

Ivy is already in bed and Johanna is out so it is just the two of us. She curls her legs up underneath her as I lean back against the sofa and rest my head against it. Katniss waits patiently for me to begin speaking.

"I finally told her. Finally told her how I felt," I say wearily.

"That's good," Katniss says scooting in closer to me. "Do you feel any better?"

I nod my head.

"A little. I just suddenly felt sorry for her. She's been bitter ever since I can remember. I don't think I will ever know what made her so but it is just sad that she never found happiness in her life," I reply.

Katniss nods her head.

"It is always hard when our parents aren't the people we want them to be," she says.

I bob my head. Katniss watches me carefully for a moment.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asks.

I turn my head to the side to look at her. I can see the concern in her eyes from seeing me so drained but I see her love for me too. She means it when she is offering her help. She will do anything to support me.

My heart fills with love for her again. We have come a long way from the two people who would do anything to hurt the other.

I reach out to gesture her to come closer.

"Just lie with me," I say.

Katniss smiles at me sweetly as she nods her head. She moves her body so it is aligned with mine as we lie back along the sofa. She places her head against my chest and lays a hand so it is resting against my heart.

I take a deep breath to inhale her soft scent of sandalwood and squeeze her tight. It feels good to finally confront my mum and tell her exactly how I feel. But I am tired now. I take a deep breath as I hold Katniss close. Here I finally feel content.

* * *

**A/N: Things are finally falling into place. Not long left now. Only one more chapter and an epilogue. Thank you to everyone who is reading and enjoying the story. I hope you like how it all ends.**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

_Katniss_

I wake up to the soft smell of musk and the feeling of warmth surrounding my body. I press my nose closer to the smell and inhale it with a contented sigh as I snuggle back into the warmth. The solid body behind me momentarily stirs before pulling me closer against his chest, squeezing me tightly and then falling still again. I let myself smile as I wake laying in his arms, my back pressed against his front with our hands clasped around my middle.

This is a good way to wake up.

Peeta had stayed over last night after his confrontation with his mum. He was emotionally drained and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow and he wrapped me in his arms. The sleepover was totally innocent. No wandering hands or stolen kisses. Peeta just needed to know I was here. We have come a long way from the couple who would fuck just to forget an argument with our mothers.

We have only allowed ourselves to indulge in these innocent sleepovers a couple of times. It is just too hard to share a bed with him, encased by his smell and warmth, to not be tempted to rush into things we are not ready for.

But as I wake today I get the first sense of being ready for more.

A hunger and a need brews in my belly. A longing for the touch from the man I love. For the first time I can clearly imagine waking up like this every day. Having Peeta with Ivy and I, always. For the first time I truly believe it could happen. That we could be a happy and stable family unit.

I don't know what has changed from last night. Maybe it was Peeta finally taking full ownership for his mistakes while he confronted his mum. Maybe it was that he didn't seek sex for comfort yesterday. Maybe it's because I feel like we are two completely different people. But I can feel that things are different this morning.

I don't try to move as I let Peeta have a final few moments of sleep. I am too content to remove myself. I savour the moment while I can.

As if on cue Ivy's cries can be heard coming from her bedroom and I feel Peeta stir behind me. He groans as he wakes and loosens his hold on me before he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. I twist round to give him a smile and he gives me a sleepy one in return before he lets out a big yawn. He pulls me close again as he places a kiss on my ear.

"Morning," he says squeezing me tightly. "Trust Ivy to ruin the best night sleep I have had in years."

I twist round again to place a soft kiss on his lips.

"She just wants to spend as much time as possible with her daddy," I say with a grin.

Peeta chuckles lightly before running a hand through his mussed up curls.

"The pain of being her favourite parent. I'll go and get her. You enjoy a nice long shower," he replies before leaning forward again to place a kiss on the top of my head.

He releases his arms from around me as he rolls over and throws the covers back to get out of bed. I roll onto my back and watch him with a smile as he throws on a worn t-shirt and leaves to take care of our daughter.

I could definitely live with waking up every day like this.

I take Peeta's advice and take a long hot shower where I lather my body in various lotions. When he is not around I never get to spend more than 5 minutes in the shower. There is always a list of one hundred other things I need to be doing. I savour this rare luxury as I leave the shower feeling perfectly refreshed and energised.

I tie my damp hair into a long braid as I walk down the stairs to meet Ivy and Peeta in the kitchen. I can hear Ivy's giggles and the sizzling of the frying pan when I am half way down the stairs. I am already smiling when I finishing plaiting my hair and enter the kitchen to the sight of Ivy up and smiling while Peeta is flipping something on the hob.

He turns to me with a smile as he hears me enter and I make my way to the high chair Ivy is sitting in. She looks up at me with a toothy smile as I sit down beside her and she waves her pancake battered covered spoon in my face.

"Are you and Daddy making me pancakes? Well aren't I a lucky Mummy!" I exclaim as I reach out to smooth one of her curls down.

Ivy bangs her spoon against the table before I reach out a hand to stop her. She pouts at me for a moment, upset that I am disrupting her fun, before she turns her attention back to the spoon and sticks her tongue out to lick the batter off. Peeta stands by the hob, flipping pancakes, as he watches us with a smile.

"Not just any pancakes. Ivy is helping me make my very special smiley face pancakes," Peeta replies with a grin.

I smile and shake my head at him.

"Considering you are nearing 40 you still know how to act like a 10 year old," I say.

Peeta pretends to look hurt and clutches a hand to his chest.

"You are never too old for smiley face pancakes. If my pancakes don't brighten up your day then there is something wrong with you," Peeta replies.

I smile again before turning back to look at Ivy. She is still licking her spoon but once she is finished she sticks it in front of my nose offering it to me.

"Eat!" Ivy demands.

I smile at her and shake my head as I take the spoon off her.

"No thank you, bug. I have to save room for Daddy's pancakes," I reply.

Ivy huffs before turning to pick up her cup with two hands and taking a long drink. Peeta is now grilling bacon on the grill and I decide I better get up and help him. I make my way to stand beside him as he adds more mixture into the pan to make another pancake. He smiles at me as I stand beside him.

"Anything I can do to help?" I ask.

Peeta smiles and nods his head.

"You can cut the grapes in half for the noses," he says tipping his head towards the punnet of grapes sitting on the counter.

I smile and nod my head as I reach for a knife and chopping board to begin chopping.

We work side by side, chopping fruit and flipping pancakes, while Ivy makes a mess in her chair. Peeta challenges me to a game of throwing grapes into each other's mouths. My sides hurt from laughing as he fails miserably to catch every one of my attempts. One even ends up hitting him on the nose and bouncing off into the frying pan.

Ivy sits clapping her hands as she watches me catch every one of Peeta's throws and is soon demanding to have a go herself. I give Peeta a big grin as I turn to leave him and go and sit opposite Ivy. Ivy opens her mouth wide as I hold a grape close to her mouth. I gently place the grape in her mouth and she chomps her mouth shut to greedily chew the grape. Her shouts of "Again! Again!" ring out through the kitchen as Peeta finishes making breakfast.

Eventually Peeta decides that his pancake masterpieces are ready and he flings the last bit of grape down dramatically onto the last pancake.

"Voila! The happiest breakfast in the world!" he exclaims as he brings the plates over.

He places a smiley face pancake down in front of Ivy and she stares at it curiously for a moment. The bacon has been made into a mouth, the grape acts as the nose and there are two bits of banana for eyes. Tentatively she reaches out to pluck one of the bananas off the pancake and she inspects it in her hand. Apparently it might taste different on a pancake. Slowly she brings the bit of fruit to her mouth and she sticks out her tongue to gingerly lick it. Realising that it is in fact a piece of fruit she likes, a smile spreads across her face before she stuffs the rest of it in her mouth.

I have to bite my lip to stop myself smiling and I can see Peeta holding in his chuckle. As Ivy chews Peeta leans forward to stroke the top of her head and place a kiss on the top of her dark curls.

"I'm glad you like it, bug," he says.

Ivy turns her head to give him a toothy smile before turning back to grab the other piece of banana to stuff it into her mouth.

While she eats her fruit I take her plate to begin cutting up her pancake.

"Thank you for breakfast this morning. It is a nice surprise," I say to Peeta.

Peeta smiles broadly back at me as he pours us both some orange juice.

"The boys love making these with me. I'll have to get Ivy a tiny apron so she can help me too when she is older," Peeta replies.

I smile and nod my head. I can clearly see the image of Peeta and Ivy standing in his kitchen, wearing matching aprons, as they get flower and egg everywhere and whisper how they need to keep quiet as not to wake Mummy. The image is so clear. I know it is not a matter of if it becomes a reality but when.

Ivy eagerly sticks her hand out for her plate as I finish cutting up her pancake. She grabs a piece in her fist and opens her mouth wide so she can stuff it all in.

"Thanks for letting me stay last night. It was nice just being with you after my mum," Peeta says.

I look at him sympathetically.

"How are you feeling about it all today?" I ask.

I know that a night sleep can change your perspective on certain events. I am really proud of Peeta for standing up to his mum and taking ownership of his mistakes. I hope he doesn't now regret it.

"I'm okay. I feel bad for ruining Dad's birthday but I finally feel a bit of peace over my mum. I feel ready to move forward," he says.

Move forward. Isn't that what I felt like doing this morning? What I feel ready to do? I don't think we have ever been closer to the next step. It is scary and exciting all at the same time.

I nod my head in understanding before Peeta begins a conversation about our plans for the day and I momentarily put those thoughts aside for now. I just want to enjoy this day with him and Ivy.

I offer to clean up breakfast since Peeta made it and he agrees, picking Ivy out of her chair and taking her through so she can play in the living room. When I come through to join them I see Peeta trying to encourage Ivy to press the keys on the mini toy keyboard. Ivy looks at her him strangely as he presses the buttons in a random order making an awful noise.

"I thought we agreed that I was the musical one in this family," I say with a smile as I sit down next to them.

Peeta looks up at me with a smile.

"I think I have enough skills to impress a 21 month old," he says.

Ivy is still looking at him in disbelief as he continues to press buttons. I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing.

"What is that even supposed to be?" I ask.

"Can't you tell it is _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star_?" he says with a grin.

I shake my head at him and reach over to take the keyboard off him.

"Okay, Ivy. I think it is time we show Daddy how it is really done," I say as I begin tapping keys.

I tap out the tune to _Twinkle, Twinkle_ and Ivy's eyes light up as she recognises the song and she begins bouncing up and down and clapping. I smile smugly at Peeta as Ivy tries to join in with her babbling. Peeta smiles and shakes his head as he watches our little duet.

I get to the end of the song and Ivy claps her hands loudly.

"Again! Again!" she exclaims.

I do as she wishes as I begin playing _Old Macdonald had a Farm_. Ivy shrieks with delight as I start to sing and she tries to join in with the animal noises. Peeta soon joins in too and we all have fun reciting the silly song.

While we are in the middle of imitating chickens the lock in the door turns and Johanna enters the room with an amused look.

"I'm gone for two days and I come back to a mad house," she says as she takes a seat on one of the chairs.

Ivy squeals her name as she toddles over to her and sticks out her arms demanding to be picked up. Johanna smiles affectionately at her as she hoists her onto her lap.

"How are you, bug? Have your Mummy and Daddy finally lost the plot and gone crazy?" Johanna asks.

"Yes!" Ivy exclaims enthusiastically.

Johanna smiles and shakes her head as she pulls Ivy close. She then turns her attention to Peeta and me.

"I'm not intruding on family time, am I?" Johanna asks.

I shake my head fiercely.

"Of course not. It feels like we hardly ever see you. You are always with Darius. I am half expecting that one of these days you are going to come back and tell me that the two of you got secretly married," I gently tease.

Johanna lets out an awkward laugh and averts her eyes. I frown at her strange behaviour.

"Well, he is working the football today so I thought I better come home and pick up some clean clothes," she replies.

"That's great. We were planning on going out for lunch so you should come with us," Peeta says with a bright smile. "I know Katniss has been dying to tell you all her gossip."

I turn to him with a scowl.

"We don't gossip!" I exclaim.

Peeta grins.

"If you say so, honey," he replies.

I narrow my eyes at him and turn my back to him. I can picture the smile on his face as I do so.

"Thanks. That'd be nice," Johanna replies.

She goes quiet as she picks up one of Ivy's stuffed toys to wave in her face. There is definitely something she is not telling me. I can see the inner battle as she struggles to come up with the confidence to tell me. I just wait patiently for her to speak.

Eventually she surrenders the toy to Ivy and looks back up at me.

"There is actually a lot to talk about," she says.

There is a pause and I continue to wait patiently for her to tell me. I am getting a little worried. She looks really serious. I am beginning to worry something is seriously wrong. She takes a deep breath before proceeding.

"Darius asked me to move in with him," she finally says.

The joy is instant when I hear her words and immediately a huge smile spreads across my face. I can't say it is unexpected. They have been dating for over a year now. She spends more time at his place than here. And as much as she tries to deny how loved up she is, you can't misinterpret the loving look she gives him when she thinks no one else is looking.

"That is great, Jo! I'm so happy for you!" I exclaim.

Johanna lets out a sigh of relief.

"You are not mad about me leaving you?" she asks a little nervously.

The sudden realisation of what her moving in with Darius would mean for me hits me hard. We have lived together for eight years. She has been there through all the shit I put myself through these last few years. Even when everyone hated me she was still there to support me.

I grow a bit more sombre and Peeta can sense that we need some space. He gets up and takes Ivy off Johanna.

"I'll leave you two for some time to talk. Congratulations, Johanna. I think it really good that you are Darius are moving in together," he says.

Joanna smiles at him in gratitude before he leaves the room to entertain Ivy somewhere else. Johanna and I are left alone and she looks at me sadly.

"Eight years is a long time. Particularly with your long ass hair clogging up the drain," she says.

I laugh before nodding my head. We have grown up a lot since the skinny 18 years old we were when we first met. Even with her absent so much recently it is always comforting to know she will come back at some point. I will miss not having her around to stay up late as we talk to the small hours of the morning. There is so much history. So many memories. It feels like an end of an era.

"Yeah, I am definitely not going to miss you leaving empty milk bottles in the fridge," I joke.

Johanna laughs now and some of the tension is broken in the room.

"Darius complains about that too," she says with a smile.

I smile.

"You are my best friend. The only person beside Prim who stuck by me after Ivy was born. I'll miss you," I say.

"I'm going to miss you too. And the bug. Living with you has been one hell of a ride," she replies.

I nod my head.

"But living with Darius is going to be your next big adventure," I say.

Johanna looks at me with a frown.

"Jesus, Katniss. Therapy has made you one overly sentimental idiot. Next big adventure? I don't need to hear that crap," she replies.

I truly laugh now. Just like that the sadness is gone. Johanna is grinning at me and I can't but help smile back. I'll miss her but my happiness for her outweighs my sadness.

"And besides with me gone Peeta is free to move in," she adds with a cheeky glint in her eye.

"We are not there yet," I reply.

Though the earlier images of waking up beside Peeta every day and him and Ivy cooking together resurface in my head.

Johanna rolls her eyes.

"Okay, now that I have told you my news you need to fill me in on all the times the two of you could have slept together but didn't," Johanna says.

I smile at her and shake my head before I start telling her about what happened last night.

As I speak to Johanna I know that this won't be the last time. Even if we aren't living together she is always going to be around to tell me when I am being an idiot.

Johanna and I laugh and catch up before Peeta comes back down with Ivy. He has a slightly dazed look about him and I frown as he enters and puts Ivy down on the carpet.

"Is everything alright?" I ask as he takes a seat beside me.

Peeta furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head.

"My mum just called," he replies.

Immediately I tense. I don't want her undoing all of Peeta's good work yesterday. But there is something different in Peeta's expression. Normally his eyes are clouded with bitterness after he has talked to her but I only see confusion now.

He turns to look at me with a disbelieving laugh.

"She actually apologised," he says.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise and I catch Johanna's equally shocked look from the other side of the room.

"That's good, isn't it?" I ask a little tentatively.

I am a little wary of his mother's motives behind her apology. It seems rather sudden. Peeta nods his head in agreement.

"I think so. I mean she only apologised for being rude last night but it is something," he replies.

I nod my head while there is a loud crashing sound as Ivy empties her toys onto the floor. Peeta immediately snaps his attention to her and gets up to stop her making too much of a mess. He hands her a small bucket and watches her as she begins filling it with the toys she had just discarded.

"She actually admitted to being unhappy. She said she couldn't remember when she started to feel unhappy or why but she realised she hasn't been happy for a long time," he says looking back at me.

"That's sad," I reply.

Peeta nods his head.

"I don't think we'll ever have a loving mother/son relationship but I think there is hope we can be at least civil to each other," he adds.

"Well that is better than what you have now," I say.

Peeta smiles as he nods his head. Ivy totters over to him and offers him her toy caterpillar with a big smile. Peeta smiles affectionately back at her as he thanks her for the toy. Ivy smiles broadly at him before going off to finish tidying her toys.

I feel a huge sense of relief that things are not getting worse with his mother. There will still be times Peeta will resent her for her emotional abandonment but he is in a place where his feelings towards her will not hinder him from moving on with his life.

Johanna lets out a loud sigh as she watches us.

"Hell has well and truly frozen over. First Katniss had a kid. Then I agreed to move in with a guy and your mum apologised, Peeta. This day should go down in history," Johanna exclaims.

Peeta and I both turn to her with a grin. Johanna smiles too before she rises off her chair and heads for the door.

"You taking us out for lunch then?" Johanna asks looking at Peeta. "It can be my leaving present."

Peeta laughs and shakes his head.

"There will be no more freebie lunches once you move out. Enjoy it while you can," Peeta says with a grin as he stands up.

I grin and Johanna shrugs her shoulders before declaring she is going to order the most expensive thing on the menu. I share a smile with Peeta before I pick Ivy up and begin to prepare for her to leave.

Lunch is a relaxed affair with both Peeta and Johanna being on fine form. I can almost see the weight that has been lifted off Peeta's shoulders after confronting his mother. Johanna and I don't let any lingering sadness to spoil the afternoon and Ivy delights in the fact Johanna is giving her so much attention.

Johanna leaves us after lunch to allow us some family time and we spend the afternoon making a mess in the kitchen with Ivy's finger paints. Ivy finds in more entertaining to paint dots on our faces that on the piece of paper. We all end up looking like real life pointillism paintings with multi-coloured dots all over our faces.

I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

After we finally get Ivy fed, washed and put to bed I go to my bedroom to skype Prim. She has her final set of exams coming up and she is pretty stressed. I hope to distract her a little with Ivy's many mini-adventures.

My sister looks tired when she answers the call and immediately starts rambling about how she is never going to remember all this stuff and that she misses Rory but can't take the time off from study to see him often.

"I'm feeling overwhelmed," Prim moans.

I smile at her sympathetically. I remember the stress I was under when I had to sit my final accountancy exams while I was pregnant with Ivy. And my sister is a perfectionist. She will hate feeling out of control.

"I know you don't want to hear this but take the night off. You still have a week to revise. Put the books away. Have a bath and watch a crappy romantic movie while you eat ice-cream. You will make yourself ill otherwise," I say.

Prim sighs and nods her head. She slumps back into her chair and runs a tired hand through her blonde hair.

"I suppose. I just feel guilty if I am not working," she says.

She sighs again but seems to realise that I am right. She pulls her body up straighter so she can lean closer to the screen.

"Tell me what is going on with you and Ivy. I need a distraction from my crappy life at the moment." she says.

I smile at her before I begin telling her all about our week. I tell her about the new friend Ivy seems to have made at nursery and who she manages to convince to follow her around and pick up all the toys she has been playing with. I tell her about Peeta confronting his mum and her even apologising. I even tell her about Johanna agreeing to move in with Darius.

Prim's eyes widen at this news and she leans in even closer so her face is right in front of the camera.

"That's great news! It means you and Peeta can move in together!" Prim exclaims.

I shake my head.

"That's what Johanna said but we are nowhere near there. We haven't even slept together again," I reply.

Prim lets out an exasperated sigh as she shakes her head.

"I understand you are scared things are going to change. Go back to how they were. But now you are both denying yourself something you both want. Anyone paying attention can see how much you care about each other. Your relationship is completely different to when Ivy was first born. I am so proud of the stable and healthy family unit you have created for Ivy," she says.

I contemplate her words seriously. Wanting Peeta has never been the issue. I have wanted him since that first day in the office. But I have wanted him for the wrong reasons in the past. How can I know I want him for the right reasons now?

Prim smiles at me.

"You gave me some advice and now it is my turn. Stop talking to me. Go downstairs to Peeta. Tell him you love him and please God take him to bed. It has been nearly two years for you," Prim says.

This manages to get a small laugh out of me. Prim grins before her face grows more serious.

"It is going to make your relationship more meaningful, not less," she says.

I sigh and nod my head.

Today has felt different. I could clearly picture what our future would be like together. It is not the sexual satisfaction I crave from Peeta, it's him. His touch. His closeness. The feeling of intimacy.

"Thanks for the advice, Little Duck. Now go and have that bubble bath," I say.

Prim pulls a face at my old nickname for her before saying she will and we say our goodbyes. I sit staring at the blank screen of the computer for a few moments, contemplating Prim's words before getting up and going downstairs to Peeta.

He is sitting on the sofa reading a book and his reading glasses resting on the edge of his nose. The soft light from the lamp beside him illuminates his golden curls and emphasises his strong jaw. The familiar feeling of heat and pleasure begin to swirl in my belly and rest between my legs. Prim's words ring in my ears and I can feel my resolve weakening.

I need him. He stokes a hunger in me that only he can quench.

I realise I have been over thinking this too much. If I think any longer any romance is going to be sucked out of the situation. We are not the people we were two years ago. We have so many good days and very few bad ones.

Slowly I walk round to him and crouch down in front of him. He looks up at me and I reach out to remove his glasses and place them on the corner table. Then I cup his head in my hands and bring his head down for a lingering kiss.

Peeta is smiling when he pulls back and he closes his book to put it on the table.

"Was there any particular reason for that?" he asks with a smile.

Not one who is great for words, I get straight to the point.

"I think we should have sex," I reply.

I can see Peeta recoil a little from the bluntness of my statement but he soon lets out a small laugh.

"Not the most romantic proposition I have ever had," he replies.

"You know I am crap with all the romance stuff. You should just be glad I let you hold my hand in public," I retort.

Peeta's face softens and he reaches a hand out to caress the side of my face. I lean into his touch as he does so.

"Very true. And I love that about you," he says with an affectionate smile.

I smile sweetly back at him and he pulls me up to kiss him again. I end up on his lap, straddling him as he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine. His hands have a hold on my waist and his thumbs begin gently rubbing the exposed bit of skin just above the waistband of my trousers. A shiver goes up my spine and I press my head closer to his.

Even with my blunt proposal Peeta has managed to turn the moment into an intimate one. He pulls back slightly with a look so full of love that it melts my heart.

"Are we ready for this?" he asks softly.

I hold his gaze firmly as I nod my head and wrap my arms around his neck, my fingers tangling in the hairs at the back of his neck.

"I love you. We'll be okay as long as we do this together," I reply.

Peeta nods his head before a sweet smile spreads across his face. His hand reaches up to caress my cheek as he looks at me lovingly.

I can feel the fire begin to brew in my body. A soft burn that begins in my stomach and slowly spreads itself through my whole body.

Peeta hesitates, asking with his eyes if I mean it, before I nod and he smiles again. He reaches up slowly to capture my lips and my mouth opens readily for him. He cups my head in his hands as he sweeps his tongue along my bottom lip and I open my mouth wider to allow him access.

The kiss fully ignites the spark in my body and I am soon pressing myself against him as the fire begins to roar. Peeta moves his hands down to trace my shoulders and clasp around my back to pull me closer. I gasp as his lips remove themselves from my mouth and begin making a trail down my neck.

I grip onto his neck tightly as he gently nips and sucks on my skin in just the way he knows I like. His hands move lower until they are resting just above my bottom and I instinctively grind down on him as the ache between my legs intensifies. Peeta groans as I press into the now very obvious bulge in his trousers. He pulls his lips away from my skin to look back at me. He grinds his pelvis up to press up into my throbbing core.

"Our first time again is not going to be on this sofa. I need to take you upstairs, now," he growls as he rolls his hips back up into me.

I gasp as his belt buckle catches my clit and I nod my head. It has been so long. I don't want to waste any more time.

When Peeta sees my agreement he pulls me off him and tangles my fingers with his as he drags me out the room. My heart is beating rapidly and we barely make it into my room before I have to turn and press him against me.

He tangles his hands in my hair as my hands wander across his back and shoulders. I slip my hands past his belt to untuck his shirt and slip my hands underneath. Peeta shudders as he feels my fingers tracing against his skin.

Slowly clothes are removed as we continue to kiss and walk backwards to the bed. I am left in only my underwear and Peeta in his boxers when my legs hit the edge of my bed. Peeta keeps my head in his hands as he pulls away and smiles lovingly at me.

"I love you so much, Katniss Everdeen," he says.

I smile as I reach up to cover one of the hands that holds my head in place. I rise onto my toes and kiss him softy before turning out of his hold and crawling onto the bed.

Peeta watches me from the end of the bed with a loving stare. I turn to face him and hold his gaze as I slowly unclasp my bra and let the garment fall off my shoulders. I lift my bum up to shimmy out of my underwear before settling back against the pillows.

Peeta sticks out his tongue to lick his bottom lip and his pupils grow thicker as he eyes become dark with lust. Slowly he steps out of his boxers and crawls to join me on the bed.

He crawls up the bed until his nose is right next to mine. I feel his cock brush against me and a shiver goes up my spine. He stops as he looks down at me intensely. I am powerless to look anywhere else other than his dark eyes.

We don't say anything as we let the heat of the moment build.

Peeta's hands trail down my arms until he finds my hands and brings them both up so they are resting against either side of my head. He reaches up to tangle and link our fingers together and I fear I am going to burst with the anticipation of it all.

"You have changed me so much," Peeta says as he holds my gaze. "I'd be a useless shell of a man without you."

I squeeze his fingers tightly and raise my head up to brush my nose against his and leave my lips a breath away from his.

"We changed each other," I reply.

Peeta nods his head tightly and I roll my hips into him to encourage him to continue. He lines himself up with my entrance and with one fluid movement he is inside of me.

I gasp as I finally feel him fully immersed inside of me. I had forgotten just how good he felt inside of me. No one has fitted quite so perfectly. After a few moments I nod my head to let him know I am ready and he leans down to kiss my deeply before he slowly draws back and pushes back into me.

We build a steady rhythm as the fire begins to lick through my entire body. I squeeze onto Peeta's hands tightly as the pressure begins to build. Nothing is said as we move together and our gazes stay locked together. Peeta's thrusts are punctuated with deep kisses as the intensity builds.

It is different now. We are in this moment now because we love each other. We are not doing it to hurt the other. No one is fighting for control or dominance. We move together with a desire to stay connected for as long as possible.

The look Peeta is giving me shows me how much he loves me. Shows me he never wants to hurt me again. Shows me he will always be there to support me.

Somehow we have managed to remove all the toxins in our relationship. Somehow we have managed to cleanse ourselves to get to this point.

It doesn't take long for my orgasm to build. It has been too long and I am feeling too much. My walls explode around him and I grip onto his hands so tightly that my knuckles grow white. Peeta barely manages to hold back before he spills himself inside of me.

In that moment I know we've done it. We've become the better people we aimed to be. Suddenly our future only looks bright.

* * *

**A/N: So that's the end of the main story. A short epilogue will follow next week.**

**Thank you to everyone that have followed/favourited/reviewed this story. This hasn't been the most conventional Everlark story so I have very much appreciated all the support of the people who have enjoyed it.**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: So we've reached the end! It certainly been a long and painful road but I hoped you enjoyed it. Enjoy this little snippet into their future.**

**In other news, I am submitting a peace for the Fandom4lls drive called _Once. _There is a sort teaser for it already on their website so go and check it out and donate if you want to read some good stories.**

* * *

Epilogue

_Peeta_

_4 years later_

I am running a couple of minutes late as I park my car and dash up the front steps of the school. Soft fairy lights hang from trees and the year 6 choir stand by the entrance singing traditional carols enhancing the magic of the occasion. There are plenty of other parents milling around the playground, all with their arms wrapped tightly around themselves in order to try and combat the cold winter air.

I see Katniss waiting at the top of the steps cradling our three month old son, Ash, in her arms as he sleeps soundly. She is speaking politely to Madge and her new husband while Jamie and Harry sulk behind them, annoyed that they have been made to come back to their old primary school. Charlie is off chasing his friends that also have younger siblings in the show.

I manage to catch Katniss's eye and she turns to me with a smile as I bound up the steps. I lean in to kiss the top of her head and peek a look at my youngest son. Katniss has wrapped him in so many layers only his eyes and nose poke out from underneath them. I throw a quick greeting at Madge and Marvel before turning back to Katniss to explain.

"Sorry, I'm late. I had a client that just wouldn't get off the phone," I say.

Both Katniss and Madge smile at me and shake their heads.

"That's okay. You were the one that insisted that we meet ridiculously early," Katniss replies.

"You can tell this is her first school nativity. She isn't prepared for the rammy there is to get front row seats," Madge says with a grin.

Both Marvel and I laugh. This is not our first school nativity. We are well aware of the pushing and shoving there is to ensure you get the best seat and vantage point to record your little darlings in their masterpiece.

Katniss raises her eyebrows in surprise and I nod my head in confirmation.

"Come on. I didn't fight through London traffic just to be squeezed in at the back. We better get in there quick," I say.

Katniss and Madge nod their heads and Madge calls over the boys. Charlie huffs a little at his game being interrupted but scampers his way over to us. He gives me with a big smile when he approaches.

"Hey, Dad!" he exclaims. "You'll never guess what we did at school today? We made snow out of nappies! Can I borrow some of Ash's so I can make some at home?"

I knit my eyebrows together in confusion over how nappies can be made into snow as we begin walking into the school.

"How exactly do you make snow out of nappies?" I ask.

Charlie lets out a loud sigh as if it should be obvious.

"You take the bits inside and add water. It's really cool, Dad. We can have an indoor snowball fight!" Charlie replies.

I smile and nod my head as we join the queue of parents waiting to get into the assembly hall.

"You'll have to show me when you come over on Sunday," I say.

Charlie nods his head eagerly before Marvel starts asking him more questions about the fake snow.

I am glad that my sons have responded well to their new stepdad. I get a little jealous when he gets to spend time with them when I can't but know he would never try to replace me. He has his own 15 year old daughter that lives with her mum so he understands the pain of being away from your children.

Madge and I have a better relationship than I could have hoped for after the way I treated her. We are civil to each other and she never stops me from seeing the boys. She was the first to congratulate me when I asked Katniss to marry me two years ago and sent us a card when Ash was born. We will never be the best of friends but we get on well enough with each other to make events like this tolerable.

"I don't see why I have to come to this. It is a show put on by a bunch of babies," Harry moans.

I look at my son with a frown. He is in that awkward pre-teen stage. He started secondary school in September and since then has thought he is too cool for anything that involves his younger brothers and sister.

"You were not going to stay home just so you could watch TV. You starred in one of these when you were six. You should want to support your brother and sister," I say.

"We always have to do baby things for them. We never get to do anything cool like laser quest or paintballing," he huffs.

"I am taking you to laser quest this weekend so stop your moaning," I reply.

Harry rolls his eyes at me and mutters a "whatever" before he sulks off to find a seat at the back. I am about to shout at him to come back before Katniss places a gentle hand on my arm. When I turn to look at her she gives me a shake of her head and leads me to a seat at the front.

"Let him go. He is not going to get into too much trouble in a packed assembly hall," my wife says.

I sigh and nod my head as I take a seat at the front. Madge gives me a sympathetic look as we sit down. We went through something similar with Jamie two years ago and when he started secondary school. Everything is a battle with Harry at the moment. I know it is just probably his moody pre-teen stage but I miss the time when my son would run up and fling his arms around me just out of excitement of seeing me.

Katniss settles down beside me as she rearranges Ash in her arms so he is sleeping comfortably. I lean in to undo the zip of his winter jumpsuit and stroke back a piece of his hair. He sleeps peacefully in my wife's arms, completely undisturbed by the noise going on around him. He is a very quiet baby, often having to be woken to be fed but with a very loud and excitable six year old sister also living in the house I am glad for a very docile baby.

"I fed him just before I came. He should sleep right through it," Katniss says as she tucks him into the crook of her arm.

I smile and nod my head as Charlie peers his head in to get a better look.

"Did I sleep as much when I was a baby? Ash is almost never awake," he asks.

I turn to him with a grin.

"Nope. You kept your mum and I up to the small hours of the morning with all your screaming," I say with a grin.

Charlie blushes a little with embarrassment.

"I wasn't as bad as Harry though, was I?" he asks.

My grin grows wider.

"No one was as bad as Harry," I reply.

Charlie grins too before turning round to look at the game Jamie is playing on his phone.

The parents are all seated soon after and the head teacher comes out to introduce the show. She goes on about all the hard work that has gone into making it and the usual about how she thinks this is the best year 2 nativity the school has ever put on. The crowd all clap before the doors at the back open and all the year 2 pupils start making their way to the stage.

They are all dressed in various shepherd, sheep and angel costumes. The parents at this school are rather competitive with each other and most of the costumes are fancy and extravagant. One angel even has real fairy lights stitched into her dress.

The children all wave enthusiastically as they catch sight of their parents on their way to the stage. I see Ivy first in her white and gold angel costume that my mother spent a week making. She spots us as she is walking up the steps of the stage and waves frantically at us as she takes her seat.

"Mummy, Daddy! Look how pretty Granny's dress is!" she exclaims as she holds the skirt of the dress out for us all to see.

It is indeed a very pretty little girl dress. After years of my mother's constant disapproval she has made an effort to try and be less critical. She is trying hard to find some happiness again. Part of this has been accepting my relationship with Katniss and trying to form a bond with my two youngest children.

I was pleasantly surprised when she offered to make Ivy's dress but with Katniss having just given birth to Ash she had no time to make one and Mum said that no granddaughter of hers was going to be in a nativity with a supermarket bought costume.

She spent ages making the dress with gold stars embroidered onto the skirt and sparkly ribbon round the middle. The wings have been handmade and have so much glitter that my daughter leaves a trail of it wherever she goes.

Katniss and I both smile widely at her as we wave back. I nudge Jamie and he peels his eyes off his phone long enough to stand up and take pictures.

Max follows behind his sister at the back. Much to Madge's delight he got the part of Joseph and he looks adorable as he walks up the steps holding Mary's hand. I hear a few whispers from behind me about how cute he looks.

He smiles and waves shyly at us as he takes his seat and Madge nudges Jamie again to remind him to take photos of his brother as well.

The children are still waving at the crowd when the lights go down and the first narrator stands to start the show.

My eyes keep flitting between Ivy and Max as I watch them try to stay focused throughout the show. I beam widely when Ivy gets to say her line about the baby Jesus to the shepherds and my heart melts when Max puts his arm around Mary and they rock the doll together during a lullaby song for him. I see even Jamie put his phone away to watch his siblings with a smile.

When the show ends we all stand to clap and cheer loudly for our children. Ash continues to sleep through it all while Harry sneaks back so he can re-join us at the front. Katniss and Madge stand beside me and we all whoop and cheer together. Katniss turns to me and beams wih pride.

As a family we have been through a lot together. Katniss and I have had to cleanse ourselves of all the worst parts of ourselves. But moments like this, when we all come together, make all the pain and heartache worth it.

We will never be perfect. But then no one ever is.


End file.
